Gratitude

Life is good.  I like writing that.  Gratitude.  In AA we promote an "attitude of gratitude".  Resentments are the fodder for drinking, and gratitude is the foundation of sobriety.  I have much to be grateful for these days.

Karla and I are doing well.  To say the last few years have been times of upheaval is an understatement.  Both of us have experienced significant vocational changes.  Alcoholism and treatment.  Disability. Uncertainty.  Yeah, try buying a home and then almost immediately crashing and burning.  The future often seemed uncertain.  But I'm working doing the two things I love, and Karla is dedicating herself to the fine art of being an Oma (as well as caring for Kersten's grandma.

Two things about our children.  First, each of them makes us proud to be parents.  They are pursuing their dreams and succeeding.  And secondly, what a joy it is that we have a wonderful relationship with all of them.  With all the discord in families, we are grateful for the loving relationships we have enjoyed.

Today, I am also overwhelmed with the generosity of my congregation and the direction things are going.  It's a small band of believers.  Small.  About 20 to 25 in worship on a Sunday.  We have been fortunate to have a little  money in the bank because the cost of my serving half time has been a stretch.  I think the budget is about $65,000 a year for this congregation.  Now just run the numbers on that for a moment.  We have to average about $3,000 per year from each person attending worship.  We've comforted ourselves that we have the reserves to weather some budgetary shortfalls.

And then the last two weeks.  Major year end gifts have left us not only in the black for the year, but have doubled our reserves.  Doubled.  I can't tell you how many times the council has wondered if we would be able to survive, but we have taken it one day at a time.  And then, two weeks.  Two offerings that exceeded all expectations.  Our members believe in the future of our ministry and have invested themselves heavily to make that possible.  What a joy it is to serve among such committed people.

We have a home.  This means two things for me.

When we came to Sandpoint nearly twenty years ago I had a goal.  I wanted to give my younger two children what I hadn't been able to give my older two, and what I never had myself.  A home.  A hometown, specifically.  Roots.  A place to return to.  That has happened.  Not only were they able to remain in Sandpoint throughout their youth, they have both found employment and remain here.  We enjoy interacting with them on a daily/weekly basis.  And we are able to be a significant part of our first grandchild's life.  Gratitude.

Less important than that, but still significant is our house.  Karla and I made the most significant financial decision of our lives when we stretched to buy this house.  And the timing couldn't have been worse, or better.  Both, actually.  We moved in the first of September, and I hit rock bottom the 14th of October.  Thankfully I had disability to help pay the mortgage.  We had made a significant withdrawal from my pensions to get into this house.  It seemed that we gambled a lot, and financial gambles are generally not a good thing for a bipolar person.  Bipolar people tend to not have a very good record in such matters. . .

But we bought at the low point in the market.  And as it turned out, we needed a place to live as we would have had to move out of the parsonage following my resignation.  What's delightful is that our investment has done well.  According to some of the value estimators, we now have more equity in the home than we owe.  In the end, the most questionable of all the financial decisions we have made will likely be the best decision we have made.  Oh, I realize that there will be ups and downs in the real estate market.  And that is rather irrelevant because we have no interest in selling.  But we have a home and that is important.

It's Christmas.  What a wonderful time.  We will celebrate with all our family.  We still have that privilege.  And again, we are grateful.  Grateful for the goodness of God that has sustained and blessed us throughout these years.

Peace to all of you this Christmas Eve.

Negotiating a Purchase, Bipolar Style

Bipolar.  Mania.  Symptom:  Going on buying sprees or making foolish investments.

OK, so those are the perimeters of the conversation.  The situation is that we are getting to the point where it is going to be necessary to purchase a car for my wife.  Currently she drives a 2006 Toyota Sienna AWD.  It has been a wonderful car for us.  Dependable.  Gets around in the snow of North Idaho well.  And nice.  It's Oma's "magic car" with doors that open with a push of a button, etc.

Alas, as it approaches 200,000 miles it is developing some issues.  The rear suspension is worn and cannot be realigned meaning that tires will wear significantly and unevenly.  They also couldn't get a good alignment on the front, so it pulls to one side.  Recently one of the back sliding doors broke.  Bottom line, it's time.

The good news is that in short order my father's estate will settle (hopefully) which will allow us to clear up some debts and position ourselves to be able to afford a car payment.

The challenge is that I've always been the car buyer in our family.  For a variety of reasons Karla has deferred to me in that area.  I do all the preliminary work and shopping.  Once I've settled on a vehicle I ask for her consent, which she has normally given.  The difficult position that I've put her in on numerous occasions is that my momentum for purchasing a vehicle is pretty strong by the time I ask her permission and to say no would be a little like trying to stop a freight train that is rumbling down the tracks at 70 miles an hour.  Add to that the fact that manic tendencies do not always make for good purchases and we've got a new challenge.

So we are trying to learn a new game.  Karla has agreed to take a more active role early on in the shopping and selecting of a vehicle.  Together we've decided to look at three options:  Another Sienna; a Highlander; or a Rav4.  All of them are available in All Wheel Drive, and two of which are available in a hybrid, which we'd prefer.  A big question is whether we buy new or used.

It's not always straightforward.  Used is not always the cheaper route.  When we bought our Dodge Caravan a while back, the only late model used vehicles were lease returns which tended to be the highest priced trim packages, meaning that a used vehicle was running about $24,000 while a new vehicle could be purchased with what we needed for $18,500.  Also, financing is frequently more advantageous on a new vehicle with the net result that sometimes the payment for a new vehicle is less per month than the payment for a used  vehicle.  I also have developed a simple formula to determine the relative value.

My formula is to calculate the cost per mile of the vehicle based on a life span of 200,000 miles.  So for example, we could probably get a new Sienna for around $40,000 depending on the trim package.  That works out to 20 cents a mile over the life of the vehicle.  One used vehicle with 70,000 miles I've looked at was originally priced at $27,000.  At that price it would cost 21 cents per mile for the remaining 130,000 miles of its lifespan.  It's now been reduced to 23,000 which makes the cost per mile around 18 cents.  That assumes that the interest rate is the same on the used as it is on the new, though often promotional rates for new cars are well below standard rates for used, sometimes even 0%.  For example, a 2018 Rav4 Hybrid can be purchased new for around 30,000 with 0% interest resulting in a per mile cost of 15 cents, while paying interest on a used vehicle I located with low mileage results in a cost of 17 cents.

So it goes.  What I find  myself needing to do to counteract the impulses associated with being bipolar is to find as many objective standards upon which to base a decision as possible.  And hopefully, standards that are objective enough that others who are not bipolar (AKA my wife) will be able to look at them and say "That makes sense."

This is not a bad thing.  In hindsight I wish I had always been so diligent in making purchases on major items.  It has been in the past, a mixed bag.  My manic side kicked in previously in making two major purchases.  A house and a CNC Router.  Both involved about the same amount of cash upfront, a down payment on the house, and the full price of the CNC.  By purchasing the house at a low point in the market we have since realized an appreciation that has left us sitting quite well, with nearly 4 times the down payment now in equity.  It didn't work out so well with the CNC.  My imagined business plan didn't pan out.  Oh, we can do some neat stuff, it just hasn't been worth the investment and its resale value is not great either.  Bottom line is that I spent more on the CNC that I've earned using it.  Lesson learned.

What I'm finding is that negotiating such treacherous waters requires discipline.  And a willingness to 'pass' on some great deals that may not be all that great.  And most importantly, seeking to involve others in such decisions and letting the facts rule the day, not my power of persuasion. 

We'll see how this all unfolds in the coming months. . .

Breaking Free

It's been over 100 days now since I had my last cigarette.  I've saved approximately $1,000 during that time.  A bit less than that because I'm still vaping as a nicotine replacement therapy to aid in this process.  With the vaping you can buy the juice in a variety of strengths.  I began at 24 mg.  I've managed to reduce that to 12 mgs.  It's going well.

Probably the most significant development during this time of breaking free is that I'm developing a self image and identity that I am not a smoker.  I am moving from a compulsion to always having tobacco at hand to a revulsion at the thought of ever purchasing again.  I am confident in saying that I've purchased my last tobacco. 

This is major.  It's the mindset that I've achieved with respect to alcohol.  That's the reason for my optimism regarding smoking.  Not one more.  Done.  Finished.

There remains the issue of vaping.  The advantage of using vaping as a stop smoking aid is that it has proven to be a good substitute.  I had reached a roadblock in that I just couldn't get through a work day and the breaks without having a smoke.  Vaping got me beyond that.  The encouraging thing is that I've been able to reduce the nicotine content of the vaping without issue.  You can actually get the vapor juice with nicotine levels of 36, 24, 18, 12, 6, and 0.  My strategy has been to settle in at one level until I'm very satisfied, and then to reduce to the next level.  In the end, it will get to the point at which I'm not getting any nicotine, and then it will be just a matter of finally saying "hey, I don't need this pacifier anymore.  Then I'll be done.

This whole issue of chemical addiction is an interesting one to experience.  One observation that has come to me is that it is the body's ability to adapt to the presence of chemicals in the system that makes breaking free so difficult.  The point being that once the body adapts to a certain chemical, be it alcohol, or nicotine, or other drugs, there is a negative reaction that comes from cessation.  Withdrawal.  For those of you who have never been addicted, just understand this.  The problem is the withdrawal.  It's not that a smoker can just put down the tobacco and feel as good as a non-smoker.  During withdrawal one feels terrible, quite frankly.  That's why we continue. 

I'm told that smoking is one of the most difficult addictions to break.  I believe that.  It's been a greater struggle than drinking, by far.  In my case all that was required to stop drinking was a recognition that it had truly become a problem.  Well that and the recognition that one more day drinking might have been the end of my life. . .  With drinking, once I recognized that I'd hit rock bottom I recognized that this was not something I could wait until 'tomorrow' to address.  It had to happen now.  Smoking is different.  Unless one is diagnosed with lung cancer, for example, one always believes that one doesn't have to stop today, you can always do it tomorrow.  And even if one has a diagnosis of lung cancer or other such smoking related diseases there is a sense that the damage has already been done.  I can have another cigarette.  I'll quit tomorrow.

I grew up in the context of the religious pietism of my scandinavian family.  Though some of that pietism was subsiding by that time, there still was a sense that smoking, drinking, gambling, (and dancing!) etc., were sinful.  To this day, there is an anti-pietist tendency in the church that scoffs at the old notion of the sinfulness of these things.

I'm either becoming a pietist in my old age, or at least recognizing that those old timers understood something significant.  After having fought the battle of addiction I'm more convinced than ever of the sinfulness of these addictions.  There is a point at which one crosses the line.  One can drink alcohol in a healthy manner and I'm not suggesting such consumption is a sin.  But for some of us, addiction happens.  Why, I'm not sure we know.  But it happens.  Same with other drugs like nicotine.  I've also been addicted to Ativan. 

The thing about addiction is that you can talk all you want about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, but it is another god that controls one's behaviors.  One's entire life is structured around the addictive behavior.  Provisions are made to insure that one never faces withdrawal.  No sacrifice is too great.  Family, jobs, and even one's own life are all sacrificed at the altar of the addiction.  If that's not a definition of a god, I don't know what is.

Part of what I'm saying is that I recognize now the importance of a deep repentance in the process of breaking free.  This is not just about coughing less.  This is about 'having no other gods before me'. 

Toy Trains and healing

I'm making a toy train for my grandson, Jasper.  To one extent this is a funny exercise.  Were I to put in that extra time at the cabinet shop, working overtime, I'd earn enough to buy one very nice Lionel Train Set that runs, etc.  But that's not the same as a wooden toy set made by Opa.

It's the second set I've made, the first was for the son of a friend.  That first venture into toy making was significant from a therapeutic standpoint.  I had just gotten out of chemical dependency treatment, had time on my hands as the church wanted me to take some time off before resuming my duties, and the train set gave me something to do.  Choo choo.

Therapeutic it was.

Thinking back, I think one of the most therapeutic things about it is it gave me a vision of life in retirement, and most importantly that I could do meaningful things that were not part of a manic quest to save the world.  But as the print from Lutherhaven says, what mattered was that in one small way, I was important in the life of a child.

Grandiose visions.  Dreamer of Dreams.  One with an insatiable appetite to go where no man has ever gone before (or at least to make the effort!  Often I found that my quests to invent the wheel may have been successful, but that others had in fact done it before!)  This was the manic side of my life that gave me a purpose and meaning.

Jasper has been good therapy. 

That's Jasper signing "I love you."  Or if you look closely at the placement of his thumbs "You rock!".  I like both.  With my work schedule, Jasper is one of my few 'recreational activities' and I'm deeply grateful that each week I get to spend some time with him.

As I look forward to retirement, or at least winding down my professional career and the tempered expectations come from that, it is tempting to think that my greatest contributions to life have already been made.  There are no new Luther Parks on the horizon.  

But then there is this reminder, a very important reminder.  In the years ahead I have the opportunity to make a life transforming difference in the life of Jasper and whatever other grandchildren we might have.  One's life is never without a purpose.  Not as long as you are capable of loving and caring for those God has placed in your life.  

So choo choo.  Hard to measure the impact of a toy train versus a senior housing project.  One cost 15 million.  The other, priceless.

Catch 22, Chapter 2

Back in 2015 I wrote about the 'Catch 22' of seeking disability benefits:

""You mean there's a catch?"
"Sure there's a catch", Doc Daneeka replied.  "Catch-22.  Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy."
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind.  Orr was crazy and could be grounded.  All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions.  ("Catch-22 (logic), Wikipedia)

I love that.  Twisted logic.  It's fun until you are faced with it.

As I look at appealing the insurance carrier's denial of my disability benefits I was reminded of the "Catch-22" that is often at play.

If someone has a mental illness that results in a disability then they are entitled to disability benefits.  If denied, they have the right to appeal the decision.  However, if they are capable of appealing the decision they demonstrate that they are not disabled.  Catch-22.

Or to put it differently, appealing the decision of the insurance company to deny disability is an overwhelming task.  The more disabled, the more overwhelming the thought of formulating an appeal.  Hence, the least likely to be able to appeal the decision are the one's who most need it to be overturned.  Makes sense, doesn't it?"

There is another, more troubling Catch 22 -- or perhaps it would be Catch 23.  It relates to receiving treatment as a mentally ill person.

This is the thing.  Treatment is available to those who need it.  All one has to do is ask.  However, if one is psychotic and unable to maintain a firm grasp on reality and recognize one's need for mental health care, you won't ask.  Hence those who need mental health intervention don't receive it because they are not sane enough to recognize their need for it and request it or consent to it. 

The young person I've been concerned about has been in and out of the hospital this last week.  The psychotic behaviors continue, in fact appear to be escalating.  But the treatment offered was not desired.  The only diagnosis so far has been psychosis, which is a symptom, not a disease.  One hopes that additional help will be forthcoming, but its effectiveness will depend on the person's willingness to participate and ability to see the need. 

The thing about psychosis is it is very real to the person experiencing it.  Their reality is reality.  Perhaps the only one they know.  It's very hard to reason with a person that has lost their grip on reality.  And yet you know that anyone who is mentally ill, and subsequently treated to the point of becoming healthy, will be deeply grateful for having received the treatment.  Its just that when they need it they can't see it.

In the case of this individual that I'm concerned about, the primary criteria for involuntary treatment is that they must exhibit behaviors that put themselves or others at risk.  Simply being in another reality is not to be homicidal or suicidal.  They may have lost all contact with reality but-- they appear harmless, so the disease goes on untreated.

We've got a long way to go with mental health care.  One size doesn't fit all.  It is good to respect the rights of the mentally ill.  Yet it is necessary to get them the treatment they need.  Psychotic people are not competent to make that decision on their own. 

Their wellbeing might be dependent on the courts recognizing this.

In the meantime we hope and pray.

A Lament

Why, Oh Lord?  Why?

When one's life is already mostly lived a diagnosis of mental illness is not welcome, but at the same time, not so overwhelming. 

But for one whose life is still yet to come such a diagnosis is a burden that will be carried so long.  Why, Oh Lord?

Yet, there is also hope that rather than muddling through life without the help available, such a young person, armed with a diagnosis and empowered with a proper treatment plan will be able to reclaim the potential of their life.  The chemical malfunctions of psychiatric disorders can be addressed, and alleviated.  And yet, such a diagnosis early in life carries with it the burden of a lifetime adjustment, not to mention the expense of a lifetime on medications. 

The tragedy of such an early diagnosis is that at a stage in life when identity is being formed, a diagnosis will take center stage.  Bipolar, OCD, Schizophrenic, paranoid, depressed, whatever-- these are not the pillars around which one wants to establish their identity.  It's different when one has already established that identity and is firmly grounded.  Such a diagnosis later in life is difficult, but it is easier to maintain an identity independent of the disease.  When one is young and just coming to terms with the 'who' of who they are, such a label carries a louder voice.

It presents other challenges.  That quest to find a lifetime partner just became even more challenging.  "Hi, I'm Jane, an Aquarius, I love the beach, and dogs, and have a passion for music and dance.  I'm also a paranoid schizophrenic.  Would you like to hang out and have a cup of coffee?"  In selecting a mate, some will not have a problem with one who is mentally ill.  But if we are honest, many will have a problem with that.  It's like drug addiction.  Many marriages have survived chemical dependency and the subsequent treatment but, given the choice, would you prefer to be with one who will face those challenges or one who is healthy? 

Back to the matter of identity.  Establishing an identity, one's personhood, is such an integral part of adolescence and young adulthood..  Now there is the disease that is part of that.  But there is more.  Medication and its affects.  Is the person I am today really me?  To what extent are my experiences now attributed to a medication as opposed to my true self? 

Is a thought I have my own?  Or is it a symptom of a disease?  Or is it skewed by medication?  Have the medications resulted in my now reconnecting with my true being?  Or have they created an alternative reality with which I now must live?  Who am I?  Can I even claim my own thoughts?

Thief!  Demon!  Who gave you the right to take up residence in my soul?  Was it God?  Or heredity?  Or simply being the wrong place at the wrong time?  What opportunity did you seize Satan?  Be gone.  And whatever happened to the exorcists that we desperately need in the face of these demons?

And vocation.  Choices are now limited.  OCD in small doses makes for good doctors and nurses.  But when the paralysis rooted in fear prevents one from acting, not so much. 

Life goes on.  There is a lot of life left to live.  And with diligence, treatment can be successful.  Opportunities may open up again.  It is not over.  Don't punctuate the end of the sentence just yet.  Let the diagnosis be at best, a comma.  Not a period.

Why are they doing this to me, Oh God.  Why are you allowing this to happen?  Do you even exist?

A roomate, diagnosed with schizophrenia, once observed that there are a high proportion of schizophrenics that are atheist.  It's hard to believe in a God who simply flunked chemistry. 

Or we can believe and bring our lament to the Lord.  We can plead our case before the almighty and hope for grace in the time of our need.  And strain to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Such is the plight of the mentally ill, especially those who are so young.  God be with them.

An End to Righteousness and Purity

"I will never again curse the ground because of humankind, for the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth; nor will I ever again destroy every living creature as I have done.”  Genesis 8:21

The early chapters of Genesis offer to us explanations for some of the epic questions of life.  One of those is the question of evil, and why God doesn’t act to wipe evil off the face of the earth.  Never again.  Following the flood, God’s resolve is that such an act of judgment will never again happen.  The reason is that “the human heart is evil from youth”.  In other words, if God were to destroy evil, there would be no end to the slaughter as at one level we are all inclined to wickedness.

And yet we offer up one lament after another for the wickedness that remains part of the human story.  This week was a bad one.  Two major assaults.  Bombs sent to Democratic leaders and activists.  And then there was the mass shooting at a Jewish house of worship in Pennsylvania. These seem to be at least in part politically motivated-- the work of deranged minds.  Are they at least in part the result of the harsh political divide in our country?  Yes, but it’s too early to come to conclusions.

Sometimes these acts of violence have had no motivation whatsoever, except to do evil.  At other times there is a motivation, a belief that somehow these acts are justified and serve a greater good.  The gunman believes that he is acting ‘for the good of all’ by destroying those who are responsible for the problems in society.  Early indications are that the gunman at the Jewish temple believed that Jews were responsible for the “invasion” of immigrants from South America.

Historically, one of the most pervasive causes of evil is ironically the belief in a utopian future.  If only certain people were overcome or eliminated, then evil would be eradicated from the earth.  Stalin purged the Russian population in the name of establishing a utopian socialist society.  Hitler believed that the eradication of the Jews would solve Europe’s problems and bring about a better world.  It was the “final solution”.  It is the belief that a greater good is being served that justifies acts of evil.  As people pursue a pure and perfect society, inevitably entire classes of people need to be eliminated for the sake of that purity.  And even in our country, Native Americans were seen as an obstacle that needed to be overcome in the building of this nation.  My ancestors were the direct beneficiaries of this effort as they were given land to homestead following the Indian wars.

If there is a solution to this, it is that we accept each other and the world as imperfect.   And part of that is accepting a rich diversity, not a pure unity. 

In the political realm this means embracing the give and take of a multiple party system.  Republicans and Democrats need each other’s perspective as correctives to their own.  The opposition party is not an impediment to progress, but an essential part of that.

Within the Church this means practicing love, forgiveness, and a reconciled diversity not a purified righteousness.  When metal is purified, the dross needs to be burned off.  This metaphor, though used in the bible, actually can never work in the church.  If we seek to purify the church of sinners, in the end nothing is left. 

That’s why in the history of salvation God decided to pursue the path of forgiveness and acceptance, not purity. 

At the end of the Bible, in the book of Revelation, we have a description of the final battle against the forces of evil.  One of the lessons of that is that evil will remain part of our world until the end.  No amount of effort on our part will be able to create a ‘pure’ society.  Instead, to live well means living with each other, faults and all.

We cannot solve the problem of evil in the world.  What we can do on a day to day basis is simply to love and accept one another, even in our differences.  You are not always going to agree with me or me with you.  Nevertheless, we are both part of the Church and the society.

As a church we are called to love one another.  As a society we need to practice civility in public discourse and relationships.  And we need to accept that this is an imperfect world that can never be purified.

When Life is Good

There is hope.  Not just the hopy/changy kind of thing politicians promise but are unable to deliver,  but genuine hope in the face of a potentially disabling disease.

I have not always experienced this hope.  Early on in my treatment for bipolar disorder I was sceptical about the prospects of leading a 'normal' life, whatever that is.  I feared that any 'normalcy' would only be the inbetween phase during the transition from manic highs to depressed lows, or vica versa.  Even that was an improvement.  Sometimes as I cycled from highs to lows, the transition was abrupt and almost violent, like falling off a cliff.  Along with major shifts that might take months to cycle I experienced a daily cycle.  I'd feel tolerably well early in the day, only to descend into a deep depression around mid afternoon.  I described it as being like the San Francisco fog that rolled in each day at a predictable time.

Lately, that cycling has been gone.  I'm not sure why, nor do I care why.  It just is.

It's hard to describe the experience.  Just normal, stable, consistent.  I don't cycle.  I thank God for the medications that are a major help in that regard.  I have energy to be productive.  I'm currently working on a side project in my shop, in addition to my normal work.  This is a good sign. 

Two major issues remain, and they are somewhat interrelated.  Insomnia and nicotine. 

It has been two months now since I've had a cigarette.  This would be a great achievement except for the fact that I've only succeeded at that by using nicotine replacement therapy, either with the patch or more recently, with vaping.  My current goal is to put enough time in free from cigarettes, that when I address the issue of cutting down and quitting nicotine entirely, I will not be tempted to buy that pack.  This has been difficult, to say the least.

The most difficult thing about quitting nicotine is that it destabilizes my moods.  Withdrawal brings with it irritability, anger, depression.  I genuinely don't like myself at those times.  And the trap is that I am quick to seek relief.  And because using doesn't carry with it the catastrophic consequences that, for example, having a drink might, it is easy to indulge and to alleviate the moods.  Because I'm bipolar, there is probably no greater fear than that associated with uncontrollable mood shifts.  This intensifies the issues concerning withdrawal and quitting.

My hopes remain.  My game plan at this point is that I will probably use lozenges to ease the transition from the vaping.  Either that or just attempt to gradually reduce the amount of time spent vaping.  Vaping has some advantages over smoking.  In that it is just water vapor that carries the nicotine, much of the negative issues around smoking are eliminated.  Yet it also has the same habitual behavioral issues.  I go out and take a break.

One of the differences is that when smoking one tends to commit to at least one whole cigarette.  At least I did.  With vaping you can take a few puffs and be done with it.  Or you can vape for an extended period of time.  That's the down side.

My main motivation for breaking free is the impact on the rest of my health.  When I first went on the patch my sleep patterns improved drastically.  Now with vaping, I'm back to my old patterns. 

Insomnia.  I first struggled with this during my teenage years.  I always had a hard time falling to sleep, though early on, once asleep I could sleep.  As I aged, and as the bipolar disorder became more pronounced, remaining asleep became a problem. 

Added to this is that these middle of the night times have become a part of my spiritual experience.  I crave the time for reflection and meditation.  The peaceful silence is golden. 

Also, in that sleep is a struggle I often feel relieved to wake up.  One of the things I experience is frustrating and repetitive dreams.  Not nightmares, just repetitive and irritating.  Getting up for a while interrupts this.

These two issues aside, life is good.  Much improved over what it has been and for that I'm grateful.

One of the best things is the confidence with which I can live these days.

One of the fears I had when I was first diagnosed is that I might experience highly undesirable symptoms which might have devastating consequences.  Mania can manifest itself in inappropriate sexual drives and behaviors.  My concern regarding this was related to, among other things, my profession.  In fact, during the time of my being on disability I questioned whether the Church could ever allow one such as me to function as a pastor again.  It is prudent for the Church to allow a bipolar person to be a pastor when one of the defining symptoms of mania is sexual indiscretions?  I thought not.

As I've stabilized on medications, this fear has subsided.  Just take your meds, dude!

That's something one has to remember.  I'm feeling the way I'm feeling in large part due to the medications I am on.  It's easy to convince oneself that 'I'm better now, and don't need the medications anymore.'  Nope.  Don't believe it.  Not for a minute.

Actually, the last time I determined that I didn't need meds, I replaced them with Scotch.  That did not have a good result.

The only downside to the meds is that my insurance company is not pleased that I'm on a lifetime regiment.  And my meds exceed my monthly premium, substantially.  They lose money on me.

On this matter I'm humored.  Portico Benefits is our church's insurance.  They use Express Scripts to manage the prescription drug plan.  Express Scripts has a pharmacy.  What I'm humored by is that when I was using a local pharmacy, Express Scripts, on behalf of Portico, was continually asking that my doctors justify the medications they were prescribing.  This was irritating as these are 'lifetime' meds.  I'll never get off them.  But when I started buying the meds from Express Scripts, they no longer question them.  I wonder if Portico knows that.

Well, its time to lay down again.  Sleep is good, when I can get it.

52,260 Hours

At least then I could sleep (pass out).  Were it not for my insomnia, I might never have started drinking heavily.  I awake this day, the first time at 9:35 last evening, and then subsequently at about midnight.  I'll be up for a  while now.  Perhaps I'll sleep later.

Overwhelmed with emotion.  As I remembered last night the events of six years ago, and the subsequent journey into sobriety I simply started crying.  Tears of joy.  It been a long journey, trudging every step of the way.  But it is simply the way of life, not death. 

There was a time when sobriety was indeed an hour by hour challenge.  I clung to my Alcoholics Anonymous group as a lifeline.  My greatest fear was of relapse.  Sobriety was my highest priority.  There was/is nothing that I'd place higher on that list.  I mean that.  It's that important.  I would get a divorce if I were unable to remain sober in this relationship.  I would abandon my faith in God if that were detrimental to my sobriety.  Thankfully my wife and my faith community support my sobriety and I haven't been faced with that choice.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lord swore to give to your ancestors, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.  (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

These verses could have been written just for me.  And for any person who is an alcoholic. 

It hasn't been a bed of roses.  Some suggest that if an alcoholic will just stop drinking, then life will be so much better.  Actually I faced the biggest challenges of my life in sobriety.  I faced them in part because I was not able to hide behind the drinking anymore.  Early recovery.  Disabling depression and anxiety.  Partial complex seizures.  Resignation of call.  An attempt at a new business.  Moving from depression into mania.  Then back to depression.  Finally a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and appropriate medication.  Then, and only then, did life genuinely start to improve.

Inch by inch I was able to re-enter ministry.  Going to  church initially caused partial complex seizures.  The first time I stood before American Lutheran in Newport to simply read the lessons I was terrified.  Then, step by step, I crossed one threshold after another.  Teaching.  Preaching.  Leading worship.  Supply preaching.  An appointment as a transitional minister.  And now, just recently a regular call to part time ministry.

I sometimes wonder if I could now drink responsibly.  Yet even if I was 'cured' of my alcoholism, sobriety is the only option as all of my psychiatric drugs preclude alcohol use.  I think as a whole psychiatrists are just not appreciative of drinking as a way of life.  Perhaps because for so many like me, it never can be.

One of the most overwhelming things has been the way that God provided for us during this time.  I hesitate to claim that providence because some have not experienced it.  But we have.  We were able to negotiate disability, The loss of both of our jobs, and an unsuccessful attempt at a business.  All this while we adjusted to a mortgage on our new home, purchased just a short while before the collapse.  Bottom line:  not a payment has been missed.  Not a single payment.

One of the issues I must live with now is the necessity to be vigilant regarding my bipolar diagnosis.  It is humbling to have to recognize that part of who I am is symptomatic of a disease.  My grand plans-- mania.  My melancholy, not the creative contemplation of a philosopher, but depression.

Two mantras have come to me during this period of my life.  "God flunked chemistry." is one of them.  It reflects the frustration with maintaining the appropriate chemical balance within my head.  Forgive me, God. 

The second is "What I lacked in righteousness, I made up for in timidity."  I actually got into enough trouble as it is.  Were I bolder I shudder to think of the consequences of either my drinking or my being bipolar.

As I reflect on the role of the Church, I'm drawn back to an earlier crisis in my life and a conviction that arose there.  "The calling of the Church is to believe on behalf of the besieged, for that is their only lifeline to faith."  Sometimes it is not possible for us to have faith in and of ourselves.  Others need to carry us faithfully through the void.  And one day faith will return.

And finally, my prayer during these last few  years:

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I may follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whene'er I fall

And never let me fade

from the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

The high cost of 'love'.

Why?  Why the tolerance?  Why the acceptance of being a victim?  And why the persistence to remain in unhealthy relationships?

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner."  The truth here is that 'it is not good for anyone to be alone', and so they yearn for an intimate connection with others.  It's a basic condition of human life.  And the unfortunate reality is that for some, deprivation of healthy intimacy and relationships that are life giving results in a willingness to accept abuse as a cost of love.

It's a matter also of self worth.  Many victims simply don't believe that they deserve better, or even worse, they have no concept of what a healthy relationship looks like. 

A woman who was going to terminate her engagement, chooses instead to go ahead with the marriage after her fiance' hits her.  (His strong reaction to the possibility of losing her convinced her that he truly loved her, even if loving her involved hitting her.)  Another woman, who answered in the affirmative about 2/3 of the questions in an abuse screening tool, dismisses those instances of abuse, including physical violence, as being acceptable because 'she had it coming'.  The controlling behavior, the threats and intimidation, are signs of the deep love that the abuser has for the abused.  This is the victim mentality.

That's one dimension of abuse.  Another is that abusers often display a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde mentality.  Abuse one moment.  Lavish displays of love the next.  And the yearning to be loved leads one to accept the former for the sake of the latter.

"Dave, if you were a woman you would have slapped him in the face and been done with it!"  I had brought the matter of an unwanted proposition to the matter of the chaplain of my Clinical Pastoral Education group.  My fear was actually that if I outright rejected the person I would cause harm to him.  Never mind the harm that was being caused to me. I was concerned for his well being.  (This individual went on to be sentenced to life in prison for numerous crimes against adolescents.)

Victims of abuse may defend and protect their abuser. 

The abuse I experienced as a youth was directly related to the deprivation I experienced from my parents and a harsh judgment and discipline I received from them for having shoplifted, and a feeling of deep yearning for a meaningful relationship.  I viewed the relationship with my abuser as the most grace filled experience of my childhood.  It was life sustaining for me.  I felt loved.  He built up my self esteem.  He was my band director.  I wanted to please him.  I gave myself wholeheartedly to this effort.  I made All State Chorus four times, All State Honors Choir once, and All State Band three times.  I received far more affirmation from him for these accomplishments than I did from my parents.

My conviction that this relationship was so grace filled and life giving continued throughout my teenage  years, through seminary, and up to that point at which I had children approaching the age I was when the abuse occurred.  During Clinical Pastoral Education we told our life stories.  As I shared about my relationship with Tony, my supervisors and colleagues challenged me about the nature of that relationship.  I was adamant that it was a positive life giving relationship.  I was unable to see anything wrong with it.

Having children changed that.  The reason?  When I imagined that happening to one of my children, my visceral reaction was that 'I'd kill anyone that did that to my kids'.  You see I valued them that much more than I valued myself.  I was willing to accept the abuse because the love I felt was so desperately needed.  And I didn't deserve anything better.  But my children absolutely did.

I was a happily married pastor with two children before I realized this.  I feel some shame to admit that all my training and life experiences took so long to change my assessment of the abuser.  He was my friend.  My needed friend.  The only one who really cared for me and affirmed me. 

Actually, my first inkling that something was amiss with that relationship occurred when I was a sophomore in college, the last time I saw him.  I had called him because I was leaving Sioux Falls to move to Tacoma, where I would marry my wife in a few short months.  I had grown a beard, which at that time was a scraggly goatee.  He hated it and told me to shave it off because it hid 'my cute face'.  I haven't shaved since.

The desperate need to be loved leaves people vulnerable.  Deprivation is the handmaiden of abuse.  Remember that.

Hug your kids.  Hug them often.  Love them.  And let them know you do.

Kavanaugh & Ford, et. al.

Kavanaugh & Ford, et. al.

First of all, as a liberal Democrat one thing I realize is that a conservative will be appointed to the Supreme Court regardless of the outcome of this hearing.  President Trump is not going to appoint a liberal judge.  Earl Warren is not waiting in the wings.

Truth matters to me.  I do not desire an injustice to be done, neither to Brett Kavanaugh, or to Christine Blasey Ford.  And I don't know what actually happened.  My own experience is that I have been a victim of abuse during my adolescent years.  I also am a pastor, and as such, subject to discipline, termination, and defrocking in the case of sexual misconduct.  I know the damage mere allegations can have.  In our mobility papers we are asked if we have ever been accused of and investigated for sexual misconduct.  To acknowledge that you have been accused and investigated, even if cleared, is to jeopardize a potential call.  That's difficult.

Who to believe?  I'll give both parties the benefit of the doubt here.  My understanding is that Dr. Ford voluntarily submitted to a lie detector test prior to testifying.  Gutsy move.  It adds a lot of credibility.  She certainly wouldn't have to have done that.  As for Judge Kavanaugh, everyone seems to agree that drinking was involved.  My own experience of drinking to excess is that I would deny ever having blacked out and not being able to remember what I did.  But the thing is, you often don't remember that you don't remember.  Karla would tell you that there were times that I didn't remember.  But I have no recollection of those things that I couldn't recall.  It's very possible that Judge Kavanaugh genuinely cannot recall those events, if they occurred.

That said, a powerful, angry, and intimidating response to the charges wasn't helpful for me.  The reason being that power, anger, and intimidation are the tools of an abuser.  If you've been accused of being a raging bully, don't defend yourself by being a raging bully. 

The culture.  Here I'll share my experience of the eighties.  As a young adult I was the president of my congregation when my pastor confessed to sexual misconduct.  I was the one who reported it to the bishop.  My involvement became a red flag for my subsequent candidacy for ordination.  My candidacy committee grilled me at length about my roll.  They demanded I go immediately to Clinical Pastoral Education, where I was to deal with my issues.

During CPE we went on a retreat to the north shore of Lake Superior for evaluations.  Prior to departure we were informed of the sauna.  It was traditional during the retreat to have a clothing optional sauna with the group.  Our group consisted of five men and four women.  We were told very specifically that "if we had hangups about our own nudity, wear a swimsuit; if we had hangups about other people's nudity, wear blinders; but if we didn't have any hangups (and were truly well adjusted healthy individuals) come nude."  I was relieved that the sauna didn't work that weekend.

Three things did happen.  I was propositioned by two of my colleagues.  And, in a fitting end to it all, we got caught in a lake effect snowstorm and I, together with my four female colleagues who all chose to ride with me because I was the 'safe' one, got snowbound at Lutzen resort, where we spent the night in one room, the only room available.  An aside, one of the individuals who propositioned me went on to be convicted of multiple sex crimes and sentenced to what will amount to life in prison.

Bottom line-- there was a lot happening at that time that was inappropriate.

Having said all that, my experience of drinking, and what was made very clear during  my chemical dependency treatment, is that drinking, even in moderation, affects memory.  Drinking to excess can entirely wipe out all memory.  It's like the consciousness sedation I received during a medical procedure.  I was awake the whole time but could recall none of it. 

If I were to counsel Judge Kavanaugh in this matter (he hasn't called and asked for my advice) I would suggest the following.  First that he acknowledge his drinking patterns.  Secondly, that he would acknowledge that while drunk, he may have behaved in inappropriate ways, some of which he recalls, but some of which he may have no recollection of whatsoever.  And that finally, he respond to Dr. Ford's accusations by saying that "I have no recollection of that, but if I did do anything to harm you during that time, I deeply regret it and ask your forgiveness.  I take full responsibility for my drinking, and accept the fact that I am also responsible for my behaviors, whether I remember them or not."

Of course, there is another possibility.  That either Dr. Ford, or Judge Kavanaugh are blatantly lying.  In that case, I would wonder what in the world Dr. Ford has to gain by lying.  Judge Kavanaugh, on the other hand, is seeking to win approproval for a life time appointment to the highest court in the land and has a motive.

One final, personal note.  Accountability is an interesting thing.  Both as a bipolar person, and as an alcoholic, there are things that I have done that are symptomatic of these diseases.  To what extent am I accountable?  And to what extent was I 'out of control' because of the diseases.  With respect to alcoholism, we hold alcoholics responsible for their actions, as they chose to get drunk.  But what about being bipolar.  Is a bipolar person fully responsible for actions taken while in a manic phase?  Especially prior to diagnosis and treatment?  The latter is harder.  An alcoholic knows when he/she is drunk.  A bipolar person, especially prior to diagnosis and treatment, is less likely to be able to monitor and curb the actions that arise during a manic phase.  Their reality is just different. 

The Blessing and Curse of Diversity

The blessing and curse of diversity in the Church-- they're one and the same thing.

They sit just a few feet from each other in Church.  One Sunday a few months back, during the refugee crisis, one of them asked that we pray for President Trump because he's destroying our country.  The sentiment was clearly that through prayer we might change the direction Trump was headed and the course down which our country is being led.

And then this last Sunday, we were asked by the other person to pray for Brett Kavanaugh that God might give him peace throughout these confirmation hearings and the vicious attacks that are aimed at destroying him. 

In the first case I had a conversation with the gentleman and explained that I simply could not offer such politically partisan prayers.  In the second I offered a petition for "wisdom and discernment for our elected officials and peace of mind to all involved" in the hearings.

After thought and reflection I have come to a couple of conclusions.  First, given the political divide in our country it is incredibly difficult to maintain a unity of Spirit within a congregation.  Secondly, that we face such a divide in our congregation is a wonderful blessing for it indicates that there is no political litmus test for membership here. 

Of course, this puts pressure on me as the pastor.  There is a balancing act involved in the attempt to be in active conversation with the various voices in the congregation.  The most difficult thing is that I have a political bias, and the truth is that those biases inevitably show up in various subtle and not so subtle ways.  How does one keep that enough in check as to be able to continue to effectively serve both camps?  And yet, how does one avoid losing all integrity by not addressing issues that are clearly important with deep convictions of faith involved.

Case in point, our immigration crisis.  That families should be reunited (actually, never separated in the first place) seems to me to be such a basic issue of Christian virtue, justice, morality, etc., etc., that it blows my mind that others support the practice at our border, and that to suggest it should be otherwise is such a politically biased and controversial position in our day and age.  A second and more complicated issue is the controversies involved in the Kavanaugh hearing.  Let's just say that it is unfathomable to me that some Christians (actually many!) will side with Kavanaugh, even if he is guilty of the allegations, and that they are ready to vilify the woman who is alleged to be the victim in this case.  I mean, my sentiments believe that we should be supporting the victim, not the abuser.  And yet there is another perspective, namely that though wrong, this behavior is so far in the past and really should be water under the bridge by now.  Destroy a man's life over some poor judgment calls as a youth?  No, many people are saying.  And of course, there is the question of who do you believe?

Our congregation has a purpose statement which declares "God's purpose for our congregation is to welcome, love, and serve all in our local and global community."  That we have such a statement to guide us is wonderful and everyone seems to embrace it.  But the implications can be very controversial.  I believe that it is my calling as a pastor to offer pastoral care to everyone, regardless.  But in saying that am I making a highly biased statement?  The truth is that many can support such a statement in general, but the specifics get sticky.  Are conservatives ready to extend the Church's welcome to gay and lesbian people?  Are liberals willing to extend the Church's welcome to those who feel this is wrong?  And can the two live together?

Reconciled Diversity is a concept our national Church adopted.  We differ, but remain one in Christ.

My hope and prayer is that we will continue to live into that reality.

Audio Heaven, Auditory Hell

Listening this morning, at this moment, to Judy Collins' version of "Amazing Grace" and other songs.  I've experienced a rebirth of my passion for music.

I'm of the generation of high fidelity sound, and stereos being an essential piece of life.  I remember the dorms at college.  To say we invested heavily in sound equipment is an understatement, to say the least.  I financed my stereo.  First loan I've ever taken out.  Around $500, or about $2,500 in today's cash.  Of course this was before cell phones and the other devices we use today.  I've been frustrated since because by comparison the sound systems that have become common do not measure up to the high fidelity sound of our generation.

Add to that my progressive hearing loss, and my love of music waned in recent years.  I just couldn't hear well enough.  Karla likes music at a reasonable background music level.  With a 50% hearing loss I can't appreciate music at that level, in fact, I can hardly tell what's playing.  I certainly cannot make out the instrumentation in the accompaniment, and not the words either.

And then there is Bose.  My new headphones have brought  me back to the seventies and the high fidelity sound of that era, only better.  No scratchy records, all digital recordings, and most of all, with Spotify on my phone I have instant access to virtually any music I want to listen to.  Last night Karla asked if we could listen to Joan Baez, "Diamonds and Rust".  That led to Judy Collins "Send in the Clowns".  All available in an instant.  It's as if I have ears again.

The struggle, the auditory hell, is that such quality of sound is only available through these new headphones.  Even with my new hearing aids everything else is like the transistor radios of the sixties, a faint line of melody woven into a background of static and noise. 

I've been thinking about hearing loss.  And I'm thankful I still have 50% of my hearing.  But still.

The headphones have been heavenly at work.  Their noise cancellation feature is truly effective.  I put them on with some music, and there is almost no noise from all the equipment.  And I don't have to play the music at an uncomfortable level.  I'm in a world of  my own.  That's also the problem.

I envision a future of ever increasing isolation due to the hearing loss. 

The frustration of not being able to hear leads one to withdraw.  "Excuse me."  "What was that?"  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that, what did you say?"  And then, worst of all, is simply 'playing dumb' and going with the flow even though you didn't hear, don't know what was said, but just fake it.  The frustration of it all leads one to avoid the 'pain' and just withdraw.

Someone calls.  The phone Bluetooths to my hearing aids.  I can hear well.  Same thing with the headphones.  Really good hearing during phone calls.  Is that the future?  That in order to connect well with anyone I'm going to need to rely more and more on such devices.  Don't talk to me directly, call or text. . .

I'd like to be able to say hearing aids are the solution to everything.  Hearing aids are an exercise in the fine art of compromise.  Boost the base, or treble, depending on the environment.  Increase volume.  Decrease volume.  What do you want to hear?  How much background noise is tolerable in exchange for hearing everything.  The beauty of my new aids is I can do that.  But it is a matter of compromise.  Noise filtering.  OR voice clarity.  Not both.  Voice clarity means upping the treble to pick out the consonants.  The result is also that you hear an incredible amount of background noise. 

I wish Bose would combine their technology with hearing aids.  High fidelity aids.  Noise cancellation hearing aids.  I'd pay for them. 

The hardest thing about hearing loss is the ability to communicate and engage with others.  So much is lost, even with the best of hearing aids.  Now don't get me wrong, without the hearing aids there is nothing.  Thank God for them. 

I remember my grandfather sitting in front of the tv watching Bonanza with his device that played the tv audio through his hearing aids.  Such devices block everyone else out. 

I feel for Karla.  Hearing loss affects us both.  When I escape into my audio heaven to avoid my auditory hell, she is the casualty.  The good news is that I heard her speaking in the kitchen yesterday, while I was in the living room.  The new hearing aids are helping.

We can expect to live longer.  Unfortunately, living longer often means dealing with issues such as hearing loss.  The bottom line is that they could repair the mitral valve in my heart.  No such surgery to restore hearing loss. 

I wish there was a solution to hearing loss that was not just amplification.  The problem I see with amplification is that the cause of the hearing loss is also the solution, and the solution is the cause.  If you put my hearing aids on you would be overwhelmed with the volume.  And I wonder how much the volume of hearing aids exacerbates the hearing loss, even further.

Loneliness and old age.  The consequence of hearing loss.  I remember the struggles with my father who could not communicate effectively, even with his hearing aids.  He had an interesting solution.  He would have a favorite subject in hand to converse about when we called, so that he could carry on a conversation without having to hear the one he was conversing with.  So when I would call he would go on and on about the book he was reading.  This he could do, even though he couldn't hear me.

This is a depressing post. I find myself caught between heaven and hell, hearing and isolation.  But there is hope.  I can put on my Bose headphones and listen to Andres Segovia play classical guitar and hear his fingers sliding up and down the fretboard.  If Bose can produce such a quality of sound for me, then one day that high fidelity sound will be available in hearing aids.  One day.

Here's where my bipolar tendency to want to change the world kicks in.  Right now I'm thinking about how I might contact the research and development departments of Bose and Resound and get them to work together on my new Bose hearing aids.  One day. . .

Accepting Limitations II

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"

Those were the words of my psychologist a few years back.  I wanted to revisit this subject today.

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"  I didn't know how to respond.  What kind of question is that, anyway? 

"Let me help you out here.  The first thing you say is your conclusion.  You mull things over in your head until you've come to a conclusion and then, and only then, do you talk with others about an issue."  That's my mode of operation.  It's part of the fabric of my psychi. 

My wife, Karla, has a different approach.  She tends to speak about issues long before reaching a conclusion, and in conversation with others gradually come to a conclusion. 

The psychologist went on to say, as an example, that if Karla were to say "Maybe we should get divorced," what that indicates is that there is something to address in our marriage that she's unhappy with and she wants to talk about it.  He observed that if I were to say "Maybe we should get a divorce," the bags would already be packed and the lawyers retained.

As I've considered this way I work, reaching a conclusion first and then approaching the subject with others, I find myself wondering what's behind that.

A friend responded to last Sunday's post by saying how true that was with her husband as well, and wondering if it was a real tendency for introverted people in  general. 

That may be part of it.  Introverts gain their strength from within and on that basis relate to the outside world.  Extroverts are the opposite.  They gain their strength through interaction with others and on that basis are at peace within themselves.  Introverts become exhausted when dealing at length with personal interaction.  Extroverts get all charged up by the interaction.  Introverts withdraw to regain their strength and perspective.  Extroverts reach out to do the same.

That undoubtedly plays into decision making processes.  Introverts draw upon their inner strength to make decisions.  Extroverts engage others more readily in the process.

As an introvert, I can engage others in a decision making process.  It is overwhelmingly exhausting to do so, however.  It's just a lot of work.  An incredible amount of work. 

There's something else.  When a person observes my type of decision making, one might conclude that there is a lot of ego in it, relying entirely on one own perspective, not taking other people into consideration, etc.  As my wife observed, "when we got married we signed up for a partnership!"

I believe its quite the opposite.  I believe extroverts have a greater sense of self confidence and are more capable of negotiating the waters of group decision making than introverts are.  If an open ended question is on the floor and a discussion is underway, my tendency in such situations is acquiescence.  I avoid conflict.  This means that if I tried to function in the manner my wife does, I would almost always defer to the other's point of view, and then stew about it. 

It is a need for self confidence that leads an introvert to do their homework, thoroughly understand their own position, and only from that point enter into conversation.  I can only 'stand my ground' if I am thoroughly convinced of my own conclusion prior to engaging others.  Self confidence comes from within for an introvert. 

It's hard to understand and relate to others with these differences.  When my wife says that she'd like to be more involved in decisions such as buying a new car, there's a voice that goes off in my head that says "I'll never have a say in the matter again."  When she suggests that because of my being bipolar we need to discuss things more, that voice says "I'm being treated like a child." 

The word that comes to me is emasculation.  But I use that in a different way, not a sexist way.  The introvert draws on their inner self for strength, and to insist that an introvert function differently, for example, relying on other's input to make decisions, is to remove the source of the introvert's strength and, yes, self. It's not a male/female thing.  It's an introvert/extrovert thing.  Extroverts function well engaging others in a decision making process.  Introverts don't.  That makes life difficult when introverts and extroverts must live together and make mutual decisions.

As for myself, when I have to engage others in decision making processes, I respond by trying to be so thoroughly prepared and grounded in my thoughts and convictions that I can draw on this to carry through on the conversation.  I have my conclusion in hand, for the most part. 

Recently there was a situation where someone, who I believe to be much more extroverted than I, insisted on having conversations regarding some decisions 'face to face'.  Without getting into the specifics, my reaction was that this was all about manipulation.  I fear and detest the feeling of being manipulated.  My point is that introverts will tend to withdraw to make decisions, extroverts will lay it on the line in interaction with others.  An introvert who is forced to engage others in the decision making process feels manipulated.  An extrovert feels excluded from an introvert's process of drawing from within.

I don't know the solution to this.  But understanding the difference is important.

Accepting Limitations

To say my wife is more fiscally conservative than I is so true as to be almost humorous.

To be cautious as one lives within the limits imposed by the symptoms of being bipolar and the necessity of reining in things such as spending sprees is appropriate. 

To combine those two is a pill hard to take at times, but perhaps good medicine.

And yet in the midst of all that there is the question of reasonable choices and living life.

And then there are basic personality issues that affect choices in living.  Sometimes it is not about the choices being made, but the manner in which those choices are made.

I could do better in taking my wife's concerns into consideration.  How much of that is my bipolar tendencies running running amok, and how much is basic issues of independence and stubbornness?  That's a good question.

A couple of background issues to consider are:
1.  One of the defining symptoms of mania is the "excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g. engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)."  DSM 5
2.  One of my psychologists correctly observed, years ago, that my mode of operations is to mull issues over in my head until I reach a conclusion, and then, and only then, to broach the subject with others. 

This latter issue has been a struggle in our marriage from time to time.  My wife is the opposite in that she is inclined to think out loud, and to converse about things prior to any conviction or conclusion being made.  Imagine that.  And so more often than I care to admit a subject has come up between us wherein I've long since arrived at my conclusion and been in the position of needing then to convince my wife.  I readily admit this does not make for the most mutual of marriage decision making processes, but it is the reality we have lived with.  She's left wanting to be part of the decision making process, I'm left irritated because she's generally not the "mull it over" type anyway. 

Now when you add to that the above symptom of being bipolar there is added weight to the issue.

My wife pointed out a few examples of where I could do better:  my latest decisions regarding purchasing a car, noise canceling headphones, and hearing aids.  Now this is the way those matters came down.

The car.  Over the course of a couple of years as I commuted to work, I was getting more and more frustrated with the cost of the commute, spending over $100 a week on gas alone.  I determined in my own mind that purchasing a more efficient car would alleviate this.  I started researching options.  A visit to the Toyota dealership resulted in my finding a Hybrid Camry, at the right price.  The savings on gas would more than make up for the car payments, in fact I'd be quite ahead of the curve.   Long and short of it, it made sense financially.  I consulted with my wife, via a phone call from the dealership!!!  Somehow she didn't feel this was adequate.  She has a point.

More recently I chose to purchase noise cancelling headphones.  Again, as I dealt with the noise in my shop and the cabinet shop at work, I mulled this over quite a bit.  As things go, this was not a great expense, a couple hundred dollars.  But again, talking it over might have been a good thing. . .

Regarding the hearing aids, we had talked about it quite a bit.  And then one morning my old hearing aids went belly up.  By the end of the day I had ordered the new aids.  This was a timing issue more than anything else.  We had previously decided that I would purchase them in a couple more weeks, when I had received my inheritance.  This one will work out fine as the money will be in hand to pay for them shortly. but again, consulting more would be good.

The decisions were not bad, as my wife said, but the manner of reaching those decisions could be improved.

As I mull this over again (I do that, see above) I find myself wondering if this whole scenario is a symptomatic of my disease, or simply the consequence of being an independent cuss.  Either way, I find myself locked into behavioral patterns and resentful at the thought of being curtailed in any way.  Accepting limitations and embracing caution is hard.

One of the things that has made this particularly difficult is that I am extraordinarily capable of making a damn good case for my point of view, even when it is the result of a manic episode.  Case in point, the development of the senior housing.  I not only convinced the congregation to move forward on it, I convinced the Mission Investment Fund of our church to make the largest loan they had ever made, as well as convincing Ecumen to develop and manage the facility. 

Even when in a full blown manic episode my ideas have had some merit.  As my wife observed regarding the above three matters, it's not that a more efficient car, or noise cancelling headphones, or better hearing aids are bad ideas.  But somehow I need to get a handle on making decisions in a more mutually satisfying manner that takes into consideration my wife's concerns as well as the realities of my diagnosis. 

I understand this.  I really do.  But in the moment I also deeply resent the feeling of being supervised, like I was a small child incapable of making reasonable decisions and choices.  Adding to that is a lifetime of tendencies.  For example, with the exception of when our car had been totalled in an accident (twice this happened) the decision to buy or not buy a car has been largely left up to me, with my wife's consent in the end.  She has never initiated such a decision.  This fits the same pattern that typified her parent's marriage, so it has a bit of history behind it. 

I will try to do better, but it will not be easy.  But who said life is easy, particularly when dealing with fundamental issues of differing personalities and a mental health diagnosis.

Breaking addictions

I wrote recently how wonderful it was to be able to sleep through the night again.  That development came as I was using the patch in my effort to quit smoking. 

Now I'm weaning myself from the patch, have moved through step 2 and started step 3 yesterday.  Step 1 provides 21 mg of nicotine a day, 2 provides 14, and 3 provides 7.  Next week it'll be 0.

And so I'm up, this morning at 1:30 am.  It's no doubt that my addiction is responsible, at least in part, for my inability to sleep through the night.  It's a powerful force.  Bear in mind that I'm on a couple of medications that would knock out a normal person.  I should be sleeping.  But I'm not.

To understand addiction, and why it's so hard to quit, just understand this:  that withdrawal has such negative consequences that the addicted person will choose to resume their use, just to avoid the withdrawal.  That's why people continue drinking.  Or using.  Or smoking.  Or eating to excess.  Etc.

What I discovered when I went through chemical dependency treatment is that one just needs to buckle down, bear the pain, and wait patiently for it to subside.  Easier said than done.

What I'm most concerned about is losing hope.  "It's just not worth the effort, and I don't like who I am in withdrawal, and there will be a better time to do this down the road."  These are the statements that have kept me smoking for all these years. 

The point is, often in life when one is trying to make positive changes, it gets worse before it gets better.  Accepting that is necessary for success.

Living into Tomorrow

One of the defining characteristics of manic phases is the tendency to conceive of and carry out grandiose plans and schemes for tomorrow.  I miss this now that I'm being treated.  I really do. 

Nothing seemed impossible.  I pursued with reckless abandon plans to make the world a better place.  Some good came out of it.  Luther Park, the assisted living that I conceived of and was able to develop, is a good thing.  Hundreds of elderly are being cared for in their final years.  Now if mania only produced such results we'd likely not treat it.  Alas, not all plans and schemes work out so well.

But that's the past.  My visions have subsided a bit these days, thanks to treatment.  And I'm not totally pleased with that.  Part of this may also simply be a consequence of aging.  I'm aware that I'm entering the final years of my working career and my agenda for great accomplishments has diminished with age.  More and more it is about being content with what I've already done.

But tomorrow is still out there.  It's just that the nature of my plans has changed.

One major effort on my part has been to quit smoking.  I've shared that with you.  I'm happy to report that it has been nearly two weeks since I've had a cigarette.  I'm delighted with that but there remain some significant hurdles yet to face.

In order to get this far, I have used 'nicotine replacement therapy', that is the patch.  I'm now weaning myself of that, and will be one it for only two more weeks.  That's the plan. 

The most difficult thing has been not smoking during the breaks at work.  The way I was able to beat that was by vaping, or Juuling, the latest in vapor.  For those who do not know, vaping is another nicotine delivery system.  Nicotine is mixed in a 'juice', and then a electronic charge converts it to water vapor which you inhale like smoking.  The advantage is that though you are still puffing on something, there is no smoke, no tar or carbon monoxide.  Nicotine itself, though highly addictive, is not particularly harmful.  And so many consider this a "safe" alternative.

I'm not thrilled that it took this to stop smoking cigarettes.  But if in the end I succeed it will have been worth it.  My goals are to first, wean myself off the patch, and then to reduce the amount I'm vaping.  One of the things that has guided me is to ask, "if I got stuck here could I live with it?"  Well, inhaling water vapor is better than smoke, so I think so.  But my goal remains that eventually my tomorrow will not involve any of this. 

Part of the issue here is that bipolar people are prone to addictions of a variety of sizes and shapes.  For me, overcoming them remains one of the final elements in my treatment for bipolar.  Here's to tomorrow.

Another decision I made this last week was to address one of the most difficult issues at work.  Woodworking shops are filled with a deafening din of noise.  It causes lasting damage to one's hearing and is just plain uncomfortable and unpleasant. 

I splurged on new Bose QuietComfort noise cancelling headphones.  By emitting the opposite sound to that in the environment, the noise is cancelled out.  Peace and quiet.  I can listen to music at a reasonable volume.  No need to drown out the surrounding noise.  Wow.  This is impressive.  I have to be careful to make sure I know whether the tool is on or off, as I can no longer hear it. 

The joy of music has re-entered my life.  As I write this morning I'm listening to Handel's Messiah, a great way to start a Sunday morning.  Using Spotify and my iPhone I have access to the world of music.  I look forward to spending my days with the Canadian Brass, Alison Kraus, Natalie MacMaster, and some old time favorites. 

Another fun thing is dreaming with my son about building a shop on their property.  Dreams are cheap.  We'll see if it materializes.  It's be great to actually have some room to work.

I guess the overall theme today is that tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as yesterday, and one can take small steps to improve one's life without having to hatch grandiose schemes to to change the world.  You know, that's a relief.  Feeling like the future of the world is on my shoulders is, well, an insane burden.  Much better to focus on small improvements that affect the quality of my life. 

Resolving Anger

Thankfully, negative emotions like anger do not last forever, or at least should not last forever.  We can dwell on them, perpetuate them, and allow them to simmer.  Anger can turn inward.  It can also transform into a hatred.

A friend responded to last week's blog by asking how we deal with those negative emotions that often lead us to overeat, smoke, drink and otherwise engage in self destructive behaviors.  In addition such emotions also can lead to harmful actions against our neighbor that destroy relationships and in the worst cases, are harmful to others.

I've stewed about it.  I've smoked, and drank till I could do so no more.  And then I've stewed some more, ruminating into the wee hours of the morning for days on end.  Thankfully, I think that I've learned something through many years of therapy, through Alcoholics Anonymous, and simply through self reflection.

Here are my thoughts:

Name it.  One of the least helpful ways to deal with anger is to not deal with it, to deny it exists, and to internalize it all with the hopes that it will just go away.  I was not given permission to be angry when I was growing up.  In general, emotions were considered weakness.  One of the most difficult things for me to distinguish early in my therapy was the difference between emotions and thoughts, and to name the emotions.  "I think" was often followed with an emotional outburst.  "I feel" often led into a thought or a judgment.  Getting those straight is part of naming.  I think that our immigration policy is unjust and cruel.  I am angry that children are taken from their parents and that we still are unable to reunite them.  My thoughts and my anger are two separate things.

Own it.  One of the most important lessons I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is that my emotions are mine, and mine alone.  They originate within me.  I am never a victim to my emotions.  Others don't "make" me mad.  I experience emotions because I am who I am.  I may resent others or their actions, but the resentment is mine.  I react in this way, for example, because of a disparity between personal convictions about how things should be, and the reality of how they are.  Injustice shouldn't be, but it is, and so I react.  But the reaction is mine.  I am not an emotional victim.

Discern.  There is a difference between righteous anger and unrighteous.  I get angry when innocent people are hurt.  Child abuse, for example, results in my being angry.  I also get angry when I don't get my own way.  The first is an example of righteous anger, the latter of unrighteous.  If I discern that my anger is just because I don't get my own way, perhaps I can let it go and experience a more appropriate emotion, such as disappointment.  Also, righteous anger more appropriately has as its object actions, not people.  When we focus on the people, we risk emotions becoming more intense.  Anger becomes hatred, and hatred endures.  For example, I am angry that a teacher abused me during my adolescence, but if I allow that anger to become a hatred toward him, it will consume ME.

Act appropriately.  Regarding my history of being a victim of abuse:  I remember that it wasn't until my own children approached the age that I was when I was abused that I was able to recognize and name my own abuse for what it was.  I became angry.  I imagined killing anyone who did that to one of my children.  Not appropriate.  To work at freeing victims from abuse, protecting children from abuse, punishing the perpetrators of abuse appropriately through legal means-- these are appropriate actions.  I believe that righteous anger's appropriate role is to motivate action.  But not just any action will do.  "Appropriate" is the key qualifier here.

Let it go.  My memory is one of my curses.  I can name something my wife did within the first twenty four hours of our marriage that I got angry about.  We've been married over forty years.  If I dwell on it, I can resurrect that anger.  Not good or helpful.  When I forgive someone, I become free.  The greatest impact of forgiveness is on the one doing the forgiving.  By the time I recognized that I was a victim of abuse, the abuser was dead.  Eventually, I was able to forgive him, or at the very least, I'm working on it.  But that forgiveness is important for me-- he's dead and quite unaffected by it.

In all of this, a good friend, a spiritual guide, a confessor helps.  In A.A. we have sponsors.  For some people it will be a pastor.  I've used a therapist extensively.  The primary purpose is to have someone who can help who is not blinded by an emotional fog.

Related to this is prayer, at least for people of faith.  Prayer, when offered for the one whose actions have resulted in our being angry, can help.  It can change our attitude and our emotions.

Self destructive behaviors do not help.

This became clearest for me my last night drinking.  No matter how much I drank, the rage I was experiencing did not go away.  It was persistent.  My "solution" nearly killed me.  I hope that I'm in a better place now and more capable of dealing with those emotions.

Anger and Righteousness

Anger is a powerful emotion.
Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

One of the things we learn in A.A. is to beware of  H.A.L.T..  That is to be cautious whenever you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  Such experiences are potentially devastating to one who is seeking to remain sober, or in my case, at this time, to quit smoking.

Paul writes that we will experience anger, perhaps even that we should experience anger at certain things, but that we should neither sin, nor let the sun set on our anger.  There is a righteous purpose for anger, and that is to motivate us to oppose and resist unrighteousness, injustice, cruelty, etc.  Anger's righteous purpose is to motivate us to act now, before the sun sets.

And yet too often we fall prey to emotions such as anger and rather than deal forthrightly with the object of our anger in a positive way we seek other outlets to dissipate the anger, such as drinking or smoking.  Worse, sometimes that anger gets turned inward, or toward others such as our spouses who are in no way deserving of being the object of  our anger.

I got angry this last week.  There's no purpose served in detailing that in this blog out of deference to those involved.  But the simple fact is that anger was felt by me.

Powerful emotion.

Part of the dilema for a chemically addicted person is that our most natural response to anger is to turn to that substance, be it drink or smoke, as a means of dissipating the anger.  We are angry and so we are then tempted to do that which is destructive to ourselves.  My last episode drinking, now nearly 6 years ago was the result of a deep rage that had gotten a grip on me and which boiled over.  Alcohol was not adequate to calm the raging beast, but was very much adequate to killing me.  I'm lucky to have survived.

When I'm angry at the world, or any significant part of it, the temptation is to take a "fuck it all" attitude.  (Sorry to be so blunt, but what's the purpose of disguising a word with ***'s)  All of a sudden a Scotch in hand and a big cigar seems to be a perfect solution.

Sobriety is about learning more positive responses to life.  Being angry at someone else and then engaging is self destructive behavior is not appropriate.

"See, now I'm angry, and so it's alright to smoke." I can't tell you how many attempts to quit smoking were foiled by anger.  Quitting smoking itself, often results in anger, so it's an easy out to quit quitting whenever one experiences anger.  I probably would have quit decades ago if I'd been able to handle anger.  Most often the anger I experienced when trying to quit was focused inappropriately on my wife, as she, more than anyone, wanted me to quit.

And so the effort is to find more positive ways to confront the anger within us and realize that emotions are only emotions.  Yes, in certain situations such emotions call for an immediate response to a bad situation.  But a lot of times emotions such as anger need to be understood, dealt with, and let go of ASAP.

I'm reminded of God's dialogue with Jonah.

"But God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the bush?" And he said, "Yes, angry enough to die."

First of all, many times anger is not warranted.  Secondly, self destructive behavior, or "being angry enough to die" is no solution.

Life is too precious to allow others, and emotions, to have that kind of control over us and our behavior.

"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."

Ah, the journey to be free of chemical dependency.  (Although my son, the chemical engineer, would probably point out that we are all chemically dependent, its just a matter of which chemicals we are dependent on.)  Also, as one who is dependent on medications, being free of chemical dependency is probably never going to happen.  The goal is to be free from dependency and addiction to harmful chemicals, as in alcohol and nicotine.

"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ." 

Whether one is an alcoholic or a smoker there is a pattern that has a grip on you.  Craving, followed by satisfaction.  It's the feeling of satisfaction that is so compelling. 

For those of you who have never drank or smoked, this feeling is quite similar to hunger, and being filled.  We don't think about this much, but imagine a life where you never experienced hunger, or thirst, and the satisfaction that comes from eating or drinking.  Something would be missing.

It is this emptiness, this lack of satisfaction, that is one factor that keeps people addicted to alcohol and/or tobacco.  Also contributing to this, of course, is that the cravings continue for a significant period of time after the consumption has stopped.

As I continue to quit smoking, one thought that I have is that I wish a deep breath, clear and full, had the same degree of satisfaction that dragging on a cigarette does.  I've reduced my smoking to the point that I am very conscious of an improvement in my respiration, and you'd think 'breathing' would be a sufficient reward, but it doesn't have the same craving/satisfaction factor that smoking does.  I suppose this is because I have not yet experience emphysema or other such breathing disorders.  I hope not to.

Another struggle is that smoking is a response to outside challenges.  It's a place to go, a thing to do, in response to life's struggles.  Feeling irritated?  Have a smoke, you'll feel better.  Feeling anxious?  A smoke will calm the nerves.  Anger?  Step back, relax, smoke, and it will subside.

Now some who have never smoked will say that smoking cannot do all this.  And yet for those of us who have we readily used smoking as a coping mechanism.  It was an effective diversion.  Rather than lash out in anger, we smoked.  When one is quitting this is especially noticeable.  If my wife does anything that irritates me the immediate response of my system is to crave a smoke.  Of course, then I have someone else to blame for my smoking.  That's the addictive mindset.

I have a quit smoking app on my iPhone.  Of course, there is one.  What dimension of life is not addressed by a smart phone app? 

One of the things the app does is tell you how your health is improving with each passing hour of being smoke free.  Pulse rate: back to normal.  Oxygen levels:  back to where they should be.  Carbon monoxide:  gone from your system.  Breathing: normal.  Energy levels: improving.

It also has a clock that records the days, hours, and minutes since the last smoke.  This is something that was effective when I stopped drinking as well.  There are other features.  It keeps track of the time and money you save not smoking.  It has you set a goal for what you are going to do with that money.  (I'd like to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs in anticipation of my retirement years.)  And then, it records how many additional hours of life you are projected to have by quitting smoking.  Everything helps.

And yet Mick Jagger's song still rings in my ears.  "I can't get no, satisfaction. . ." 

If it was easy, everyone would stop.

Jerry Kramer, inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, related the advice of a coach of his back when he was at Sandpoint High School.  "You can if you will."

I'll close with that.

You can if you will.