Amazing Grace and Other Such Suffering

The next few days will be critical for me.

On Tuesday I will be having back surgery.  Spinal Stenosis is the diagnosis, affecting L3, L4, and L5.  Lumbar decompression surgery, a lamenotomy, is the cure.  Basically, because of aging the passage ways in my spine have narrowed and my nerves are getting pinched off.  This causes pain in my legs and a loss of functions such as muscle control and balance.  I can only walk short distances.  The surgery should fix that.  But, there will be pain and suffering with recovery.  I've been forewarned that I  need to avoid getting discouraged and losing heart because of the suffering that will come.  The pain will subside in time.  The symptoms will not immediately abate following surgery, in part because of the swelling.  But give it time, live through the suffering, and eventually a new and better reality will emerge.

"My President Sang Amazing Grace".  Joan Baez recorded that song remembering the events in Charleston and Barrack Obama's message.

A young man came to a house of prayer
They did not ask what brought him there
He was not friend, he was not kin
But they opened the door and let him in

And for an hour the stranger stayed
He sat with them and seemed to pray
But then the young man drew a gun
And killed nine people, old and young

In Charleston in the month of June
The mourners gathered in a room
The President came to speak some words
And the cameras rolled and the nation heard

But no words could say what must be said
For all the living and the dead
So on that day and in that place
The President sang Amazing Grace
The President sang Amazing Grace

We argued where to lay the blame
On one man's hate or our nation's shame
Some sickness of the mind or soul
And how the wounds might be made whole

But no words could say what must be said
For all the living and the dead
So on that day and in that place
The President sang Amazing Grace
My President sang Amazing Grace

Songwriters: Zoe Mulford

Why do we sing of grace at a time of suffering?

There is a truth that we do not like to acknowledge.  We'd like grace to be a wonderful, happy, blessed and "amazing" experience.  And yet the truth is that suffering is intimately connected to grace.  Grace is a transformative power, but such change only comes in response to suffering and brings with it suffering as the status quo is shaken.  

Perhaps this is the 'costly grace' of which Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote.  I'd suggest there actually is no 'cheap grace'.  Because grace is never experienced apart from suffering.

Whether its in the basement of a church in Charleston, or in my old neighborhood in Minneapolis, the racist powers are on display in our world.  Systemic evil.  We'd like to change it.  And we'd like for that change to come apart from suffering.  It won't.  

Confession, repentance, and penance are necessary suffering.  The hardest words I've ever spoke are "I am an alcoholic."  And the pain our nation is experiencing is similar.  "We are still racist."  When Obama was elected many of us embraced the hope that racism had finally gone away.  After all, we elected a black president, didn't we?  But that presidency triggered the deep divide that remains part of the American soul.  It rips us to the core.  

Grace awaits us, but will not come without suffering.  Healing happens but it comes at a cost.

"Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Jesus knew that grace came at a cost.  Grace and a cross.  "Take up your cross and follow me."

But don't be naive.  Evil will not simply go away.  One of the most distressing things about the Book of Revelation is that it speaks of the great and final battle that will be fought to destroy for all time the powers of evil.  Distressing in that to the end of the age, evil will remain with us.  Racism is not going away.  Nor any of the other plagues that haunt the human experience and soul.

Grace is not the period that marks the end of suffering but the liberation and transformation that we experience in the midst of it, a transcendent experience of rising above it.

Our nation is reeling under the pain and suffering of racism.  But in the midst of the suffering grace will abound.  And where grace abounds suffering is redemptive.  It is hard to say, but the suffering and death of one like Dr. Martin Luther King is at one and the same time both a great evil and a grace filled event redemptive in its scope.  Grace is the power by which goodness rises to the top like cream separates from the milk.  

One final thought.  If we face this struggle with the conviction that we must defeat evil for all time we will be deeply disappointed and lose heart.  Our challenge is to live by grace which means rising above the suffering and pain and being transformed.  Goodness and grace in this way is not the lack of evil, but a response to evil.  The most grace filled words Jesus ever spoke were "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."  These words spoken from the cross in the midst of great suffering are redemptive and transformative, both to Jesus as he spoke them, and to all who hear them. 

Current trends will not continue indefinitely.

There is only one trend that is continuous, and that is that current trends change.

For example, the average birth rate today in the United States is 1.8 children per woman.  In other words, the birthrate is below 2.1/woman, the rate required at a minimum to sustain the population of a people from generation to generation.  In 1960 the average birth rate was 3.65.  What that means is that the birthrate in our country, if current trends continue, will be zero by 2080.  If current trends continue.  It also means that with a birthrate of zero in 2080 then shortly thereafter, in a generation or two, the United States will cease to exist.  If current rates continue.

They won't.

But even if the birthrate continues at its current rate, the population of the United States will only be able to maintain or grow through immigration-- if current trends continue.  It is also true that the highest birthrates globally are among non-white people, meaning that in time white folks will compromise less and less of the world's population-- if current trends continue.

I recently received a piece from one of my church's seminaries that asked the question whether our denomination would cease to exist.  Based on current trends, 2050 is the year we run out of members.  One fact this does point to is that with the birthrate being what it is we are not regenerating membership through births, as we did in years past.  But it also points to a decreasing interest in organized religion across the board.

With regards to current trends, there are shifts in trends that often stabilize, and even reverse themselves over time.  For example, most of the decline in the birthrate in this country occurred between 1960 and 1975.  Two things happened.  The Pill was introduced.  And expectations around women's roles in society shifted.  But the birthrate stabilized after 1975.

In all likelihood, the decline in Church membership will level out at some point, and may even radically change.  A friend speaks of the hope that a Great Awakening will once again transform our land.  Whether this country ever returns to a feverish religiosity remains to be seen, but likely religious participation will stabilize at some point.  And, if in the course of a couple decades we again face the equivalent of two world wars and a great depression there maybe a significant return to faith communities in order to seek comfort and hope during times of trial.

Baring such an awakening, we will likely see leaner years ahead for our congregations and denominations.  Faced with leaner times there will be a fundamental question that will divide religious expressions in the future.  Churches will orient themselves either to the future or the past.  There will be a motivation either to shape the future or hold fast to the past.  My hope is to be involved in a church that is dedicated to shaping the future, not one that attempting to  preserve the remnant of the past.

One irreversible change that has occurred globally is the interaction between diverse cultures and people.  The world is becoming smaller.  And our experience of one another is expanding.  Advances in communication and travel have brought the world closer together resulting in an experience of diversity never before imagined.  When I grew up in Irene, SD, our town was comprised almost exclusively of Norwegian Americans.  The next town over was Danish American.  And so it was across the Great Plains.  During the time of homesteading ethnic groups settled together.  Interaction with other groups and communities was very limited.  The result was a sense of homogeneity.  Irene was Lutheran and exclusively White.

The question for the future will be whether we seek to cling to a tribalism that is a remnant of the past, or embrace a diversity of people that reflects the interaction between people of different ethnic, cultural, political and religious backgrounds.  For the Church the implications are straight forward.  We will either seek to maintain the exclusive claims and closed communities of the past or we will learn to thrive in a world that is pluralistic.  Within the Church we will need to become more ecumenical, beyond the Church we will need to address interfaith relationships, and individually we will have to deal with diversity as a 'next door' issue.

I'm actually excited about the prospects for the future.  I believe that the human experience will be richer for the diversity.  But we will have to get over the desire to mandate a conformity in order to enjoy it.  Religious communities will not even be able to maintain a homogeneity within their own membership ranks.  That's not so bad, unless your compelled to fight about it.

If current trends continue the Church as we have known it in years gone by will indeed die.  We simply will not be able to sustain the Church as a tribalistic community that defines itself over and against everybody else.  This will be especially true as our neighborhoods and families are increasingly shaped by the diversity of the world.  But that's alright.

And remember, homogeneity was ALWAYS an illusion.  The world has ALWAYS been diverse.  The future that is beckoning us is just more aware and accepting of this basic fact of our existence on this planet.

For the love of people. . .

Its that simple.

And that hard.

I've spent a  lot of time contemplating the future of the church.  For years now I have stood in the pulpit and looked out at aging congregations.  Probably the most alarming experience was while I was supply preaching.  I went from congregation to congregation and saw that the graying of our membership was not an isolated instance,by far.  And so I wonder what the church will look like in a decade or two.

I must confess.  As I look back too often I have feared membership loss to the extent that I coddled behaviors and attitudes that deep within my soul I feel are contrary to the Gospel.  The intolerance and judgmental attitudes that have prevailed in many a conversation hardly reflect the love of Christ or the compassion of our God and Father.  Yet in many instances they tithed.

To coddle attitudes because my financial security depends on it is not the most defensible witness to the Gospel.  It may in fact be sinful and so I confess.

One of the core tenants of my faith that has emerged more and more over the years is that if we would know the Creator we ought start by observing the creation for it is near to the heart of God.  And if we do that there is one thing, one very BIG thing that is undeniable.  God loves diversity.  From the landscapes that dot this planet (and the universe) to the flora and fauna of every corner of our world.

And one of the most regrettable tendencies of our human spirit is to limit this diversity and opt for a controlled uniformity.  Nothing is farther from the Spirit of God.  Yet we persist.

You see this in many ways.  Bananas for example.  Worldwide there are about 1,000 different varieties.  And only one that is exported, the Cavendish.  One.  There was a crisis among banana producers in years past.  The one banana that they focused on for production became diseased.  The lack of biodiversity meant that crops worldwide were at risk.  I digress.  If God went to the trouble of creating a thousand different types of bananas, God obviously loves diversity.

And humans also excel at diversity.  A few different varieties. And that makes us uneasy. 

One tendency of education is to impose conformity as opposed to encouraging diversity.  This is especially true of religious education where we are too quick to assume a common path to the divine and a homogeneous human experience.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  When God created us it was not with the intention that you would be me.

Human sexuality is one such example of the diversity of creation.  We are not all the same.  And no one experience can be applied universally without reeking havoc on the individual.  And yet we try.  Perversity is the condition of being different than me. . .

Back to the original point.  Will the church chart a future that imposes conformity or which celebrates the diversity of God's creation? 

Kennon Callahan, a church growth consultant, talks about the 'principle of homogeneity'.  "Birds of a feather flock together."  If you desire to successfully grow a congregation focus on one type of people because few truly can handle diversity. 

What is more important?  To have a successful congregation or to be faithful to the Gospel and the Love of God?

Dare we live in a world in which the Cavendish is not the only  banana and "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" is not the only hymn?  Dare we love each unique individual without the expectation of conformity to a universal norm?  And to be clear, it's not that the Cavendish is a bad banana.  It's just not the only banana.  It's not that being a blond haired, blue eyed, balding and aging man of Norwegian descent is bad.  It's just not the totality of the human experience. 

I wish my church was more diverse.  But I also acknowledge that my church will never be able to be home to the full spectrum of human religious conviction.  There is a place for Baptists, and Pentecostals, and Orthodox, and Catholics, and Jewish people, and Hindus, and Buddhists, and Muslims, and even those whose experience of the divine is at best a question mark. 

What I know is that I can no longer define my faith against others.  It is for the love of people that God brought us forth in all our diversity and one cannot love God while despising those who are created in the Divine Image.

Permission to be. . .Happy

Strange title.  Unless you're bipolar.
I'm making some changes in my life, entering into semi-retirement.  I've left my job at the cabinet shop where I've worked the last four years, am beginning to take some pensions withdrawals, and reopening my own business.

The previous job was difficult.  Up at 3:30 am, hour commute, ten hour days, home at five for supper, then bed.  Day after day.  Drudgery.

I'm done.

In spite of having surgery on Monday for two hernias (thanks to the heavy lifting at my prior job) I've felt better than I have in years.  Really good.

Sound the alarms.

As a bipolar person one cannot help but wonder when you feel good, if you're feeling TOO good.  Actually, Monday following surgery that may have been the case.  Hydrocodone and acetaminophen.  Norco.  I reacted and couldn't sleep all night.  Perhaps a bit high.  I stopped after two doses.  I'll put up with the pain.

But, in general, I'm excited.  Really excited.

My son and I are building a shop.  Lifetime dream.  Its happening.  Excitement.  And with my reopening my business I'm buying a few new tools.  Not an excessive amount.  But a few.  Any new tool is cause for excitement.  A planer.  A sliding miter saw.  A dovetail jig.  Oh, and I'll be building a new assembly table.  Well thought out, and needed.  Not breaking my budget.

But the albatross hanging around the neck of any bipolar person who actually feels good, even great, is mania.  Has my chemical balance shifted? 

My psychiatrist applauds the changes.  She's not concerned.  "Well thought out, rational choices, that make sense."  Not some grandiose scheme to change the world.

And then things are going well at church.  Some welcome developments that should stabilize that congregation for a good while.

So is it alright to actually be happy and excited about life?  I've spent so much of my life pensive and melancholy that I'm just not sure what to do with my self and can't help wondering what's wrong.

Maybe "what's wrong" is just that every things right.

That's a change.

When God opens a door

Persistence and resilience are a mixed bag.  Sometimes those traits have gotten me in trouble as I pushed down a road I probably was not meant to go down in the first place.  Sometimes doors close for a reason.  They've also been a Godsend, allowing me to achieve goals and bounce back from life's pitfalls.  In these instances doors open, sometimes like those automated doors in businesses-- you approach and the door opens.  These are special moments.

Part of my faith is to trust these open doors and to see in them the hand of God leading, guiding, and providing.  It was like that when we went to seminary.  It was really like that when we came to Sandpoint.  And when I went through treatment, left ministry on disability, and began to rebuild my life doors opened along the way.

And now I face another such transition and moving into my retirement years.  This has opened up some possibilities.  Key among them is building a shop and resuming my work in my own business, Olsons WoodWorks.  For a while I encountered roadblock after roadblock, especially with regards to insurance.  Insurers just don't like the exposure of home based businesses.  Or making anything for children.  Or ladders.  Or boats.  Or stools.  Uffda.

But on Friday I received the pledge for the insurance, as well as the go ahead on the shop, and  positive news on the church front.  Every uncertainty seemed to be answered and in the positive. 

Life feels good right now.

One of the most encouraging things is when those trusted friends you count on offer their affirmation.  That's a  good meter, a sanity meter if you will, for judging whether one's judgment passes the smell test.  And to have my psychiatrist weigh in on this and applaud the decision really helped.  Of course, the most important voice to listen to was my wife, whose caution is a good counter to my ambition.

There are many months ahead when I'm sure some uncertainty will remain.  But we move forward in faith and good courage.  I'm reminded again of my prayer, composed  by me during one of my transitions, and to which my heart returns from time to time.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Questions & Answers

One of the most difficult aspects of being bipolar is negotiating the challenges of life, making decisions on important issues, and being certain that those decisions are rational and not part of a manic flurry or depressed fog.  In a manic phase one can be far too bold and optimistic.  "Why do you doubt me and my dreams?" would be an example of the mindset.  In a depressed mode decisions are made, if they are made at all, with a sense of "I have no choice."

I think I'm in a good place.  The questions I wrote about last time are being answered.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
   The answer is yes.  I have a golden opportunity to do that and a major commission with which to start doing the kitchen for my brother and sister in law.
2. If so, should I build a shop?
   My financing has been approved so yes.  I think so.  Unfortunately it won't be done in time to build the kitchen.  But its coming.
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
   This looks favorable right now.  Another congregation is exploring sharing the building with us, and contributing to the cause.  This may result in the congregation being viable again.
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
   I've purchased a dovetail jig.  A planer is also necessary.  Pretty much everything else can wait.
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
   This is less clear.  I guess the answer is 'as much as is necessary to sustain the income as long as I need it.
6. Will my health hold up?
   I hope so.  But I'm getting older.
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
   This hasn't made it to the top of the list with my family doctor.  I'm hoping it's bursitis and will improve once I'm no longer doing as much highly repetitive work on a day to day basis.  (Though there will still be some.)
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
   I'll live with them for a while.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
   My heart tested just fine.  That was a great relief.
   
   What has emerged though is an umbilical and ventral hernia.  Yup, two.  That's an easy surgery and recovery.  Will take care of it.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?
    This is the easiest question.  Living the dream in Sandpoint, being self employed, and enjoying ministry.  Sleeping well.  And enjoying family time again.

I think these decisions and answers pass the smell test.  None of my family are contemplating hauling me into my doctor.  Though I see her on Wednesday.

The bottom line is I'm excited to finish off my working career this way.  In that working in my own shop is what I envisioned for retirement, doing so for a profit is not a bad way to transition into retirement.  

And I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel excited.  Yeah baby.  Life is good.

Decisions

One of the things I've not heard anyone talk about is that while in a manic phase one is much more decisive than at other times.  Depression errs on the side of immobilization.  For me, mania results in a capacity to decide in a rapid fire manner.  Bang, bang, bang, done.

I could use some of that mania now.

There's a lot of  uncertainty at this time.  A lot of decisions looming.  "Make a list!" Karla says.  "Check off one after another until your done."

A list.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
2. If so, should I build a shop?
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
6. Will my health hold up?
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?

Now, if I was in a manic phase I could rattle off decisions fast enough to make your head spin.  This list?  Well except for those  matters waiting for another could all be resolved in about 10 minutes.  

Bottom line.  I currently don't feel well and am not happy with my life.  It doesn't feel like depression.  It feels like circumstances are not what I'd like them to be.  There's a difference.  

I'm tired of setting the alarm for 3:30 each morning.

I'm tired of going to bed at 7:00 pm each evening.

I'd like to be more of a companion for my wife.

I'd like for my woodworking to be more fulfilling.

I'd like to feel healthier.

OK, you get the picture.  

The key to happiness is to identify your passion and follow it.  In relationships.  In work.  In one's leisure time activities.  

That's a better list.  I'll work on it.