Carpe Cogitatio

Carpe Cogitatio.

Don't know for  sure that is correct, but it seemed like a good title.  Seize the thoughts.

I attended the Synod Assembly this last week.  We had a bishop's election.  Six years ago I was a candidate for bishop, though with the current bishop up for reelection there was not a significant chance of getting elected at that time.  

"Are you happy not to be experiencing the anxiety of being a candidate today?"  It was a question that was harder to answer than I imagined.  I'm delighted that in the end we elected a younger, energetic, and vibrant pastor to that position.  Given the state of my health every rational thought I have, is that my being a candidate for that position would not be a good thing.  Gratitude.  And yet disappointment.

I realized later that the most honest response would have been "I wish I was well enough to have been considered."

"Are you well, David?"  I struggled to answer that question throughout the weekend.  "Yes, I'm doing well."  Sometimes the opportunity was there to go through a more extensive answer.  I thought about that question a lot.  I was reminded of the words of a young man during the early days of my ministry.  He had AIDS.  "I have a very serious disease, but right now I'm not sick."

Carpe Cogitatio.  For lack of a better term, this is what I experience even now during the good times.  My thought patterns remain subject to being seized by this disease.  I know not to act on them.  I recognize them for what they are.  But they are there, and uncontrollable.  

I'm sitting in worship.  Trying to focus on the liturgy, the sermon, and to relish to be able to worship without being the leader.  Hymns are sung.  Lessons are read.

And then in the midst of it my thoughts are seized, and I'm carried away.  One of the most frequent and curious thought cycles I go through is that I'm the President. POTUS.  The focus is not on the drudgery of that most demanding position, but rather on some peripherals.  I imagined returning to our Synod Assembly as President.  

This train of thought gets oddly particular.  I imagine holding a town hall meeting, a time of conversation at 5:00 am.  (So as not to conflict with the business of the day.)  I imagine being asked to be the guest preacher.  I imagine mundane things like going and coming from the event.

A door is open.  I see the back hallways of the convention center.  And then a horrific thought.  I imagine being ushered through these back corridors in the building for security reasons.  And then I remember that photo of Robert Kennedy lying on the kitchen floor, his head held by the dish boy. . .  I wonder how often President's think about such things.

I'm preaching.  The most powerful man in the world preaching at a Synod Assembly.  First there are the Presidential words, and then, "Grace to you and peace. . ."  "We are in the presence  of greatness, of the most powerful force in the world.  With one word everything changes.  This power, present in a little bread, a little wine, stands in contrast to all the nuclear bombs.  For this is a power to create, not destroy."

I shake myself.  "What is Bishop Wells preaching about?"  I want to listen.  

Grandiosity is a symptom of bipolar disorder.  Sometimes psychotic episodes as well.  I comfort myself with the fact that I've never actually shown up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue expecting to be let in.  Underlying these thought patterns is a desire for a global pulpit.  On a more reasonable level, this blog gives me an outlet for that desire, though the numbers are modest, I do have readers from around the world.  

I withdraw to the designated smoking area outside of the building.  Reality returns.  I'm in control once again of the thoughts within my head.  And yet at the same time I am struck by how out of control these thought patterns can be.  I can't imagine ever, EVER, being a politician.  Not my cup of tea.  But then I am the President.

One of the reasons to write about these secret thoughts, is to bring them out into the day light.  Perhaps such honesty will cause them to dissipate.  The burden of being President is too much for me to bear right now.  I'm content to be a parish pastor and woodworker.  

And so for today, that is what I shall be.  

Pre-existing conditions

When Karla and I were first married we made the choice to be insured by Group Health of Washington.  The rates were higher than a regular major medical policy (a little over $200 a month for our  whole family) but in exchange for the higher premiums we had no copay, no deductible, and enjoyed the care of the medical staff at our local clinic.  Our first two children were delivered under this policy.  No additional cost.  Katie was hospitalized for asthma.  No additional cost.  We were well cared for.

Then when we went to seminary we learned about the way insurance works.  Though we were insured now by the church's insurance plan, they were quick to inform us that there would be no coverage for our daughter's asthma for 18 months.  We were on our own.  We managed thanks to the good fortune of her not requiring any subsequent hospitalizations.

For the next twenty five years we were covered under the Church's policy, and in general we were satisfied.  As compassionate as the Church is supposed to be, though, insurance is insurance and we eventually came to realize what that meant.  During my first bout with depression, I discovered that mental health benefits were not covered like other medical issues.  I ended up thousands of dollars in debt, and there wasn't even any hospitalization.  The Synod even helped out with thousands of dollars of support during that time.  Still, I went into significant debt.

In my last major period of need, two major things had changed because of Obama Care.  First of all, mental health benefits were the same as any other claims.  And second of all, chemical dependency treatment was also covered.  This continued throughout the time of my disability as well.

Then, out of the blue, I was terminated from disability.  With that health benefits ended.  I was offered the option of continuing my coverage through COBRA.  The cost of basic health care would be almost $3,000 per month, pricing way beyond our means.  Insurance companies, even the Church's insurance (they are self insured), will do whatever they can legally do to maximize their profits and minimize their expenses.

And now we are at the point that Congress is attempting to repeal and replace Obama Care.  What will that mean?

One of the things that is reported about the current legislation that just passed the House, is that though insurance companies will be required to cover pre-existing conditions, they may charge more for them.  I fear that will simply open the door for insurance companies to do what they have always tended to do, which is maximize their profits and minimize our benefits.  So you have a pre-existing condition?  Yes, we will cover it, but your premiums will be so expensive that most of you won't be able to afford it.  This amounts to no insurance at all.  Its like Portico Benefits offering me COBRA insurance for $3,000 a month, knowing full well I couldn't afford it.

I have been insured my entire life, but life circumstances have resulted in a few changes in insurance carriers.  And after 60 years of living I have numerous preexisting conditions.  It angers me to no end that insurance companies may now be allowed to do things such as charge older people as much as five times the normal rate for insurance, or likewise, charge high enough premiums to exclude those of us with preexisting conditions from coverage.

I cannot for the life of me understand Republicans in this regard.

I had a colleague and friend who worked in the medical field.  She was highly critical of Obama Care.  It was such a bad thing.  I couldn't believe it.  She has a son who has all sorts of medical issues, enough to fill filing cabinets with his charts.  He is the very definition of preexisting conditions.  Not only did Obama Care allow for him, with all his major medical concerns to remain on his parents policies til he was 26, but it also allowed for him to be insured when he becomes independent, in spite of the preexisting conditions.  Is that such a bad thing?

Insurance that actually covers us when we need  it may be more expensive than insurance that does not cover us when we are sick.  But then why have insurance?  If you can only get coverage when you are well, you don't need it.

I personally don't think Obama Care is the best solution.  I loved Group Health.  Their philosophy was to focus on preventative care, catching things before they got serious, and managing costs in a patient friendly manner.  Loved it.

I also look forward to five  years from now when we will experience a single payer system, called Medicare.  Then the only question will be what kind of supplement we will have.

I personally believe that Medicare for all should be an option.  Of course, I also believe that everyone should be able to access appropriate health care.   Apparently Republicans don't feel that way.  At least they don't vote that way.

Give insurance companies an inch and they will take a mile.  That's their nature.

For now, I will simply try to work my way through my anger at the House Republicans and all who support them.  And hope that the Senate saves the day.