The high cost of 'love'.

Why?  Why the tolerance?  Why the acceptance of being a victim?  And why the persistence to remain in unhealthy relationships?

"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner."  The truth here is that 'it is not good for anyone to be alone', and so they yearn for an intimate connection with others.  It's a basic condition of human life.  And the unfortunate reality is that for some, deprivation of healthy intimacy and relationships that are life giving results in a willingness to accept abuse as a cost of love.

It's a matter also of self worth.  Many victims simply don't believe that they deserve better, or even worse, they have no concept of what a healthy relationship looks like. 

A woman who was going to terminate her engagement, chooses instead to go ahead with the marriage after her fiance' hits her.  (His strong reaction to the possibility of losing her convinced her that he truly loved her, even if loving her involved hitting her.)  Another woman, who answered in the affirmative about 2/3 of the questions in an abuse screening tool, dismisses those instances of abuse, including physical violence, as being acceptable because 'she had it coming'.  The controlling behavior, the threats and intimidation, are signs of the deep love that the abuser has for the abused.  This is the victim mentality.

That's one dimension of abuse.  Another is that abusers often display a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde mentality.  Abuse one moment.  Lavish displays of love the next.  And the yearning to be loved leads one to accept the former for the sake of the latter.

"Dave, if you were a woman you would have slapped him in the face and been done with it!"  I had brought the matter of an unwanted proposition to the matter of the chaplain of my Clinical Pastoral Education group.  My fear was actually that if I outright rejected the person I would cause harm to him.  Never mind the harm that was being caused to me. I was concerned for his well being.  (This individual went on to be sentenced to life in prison for numerous crimes against adolescents.)

Victims of abuse may defend and protect their abuser. 

The abuse I experienced as a youth was directly related to the deprivation I experienced from my parents and a harsh judgment and discipline I received from them for having shoplifted, and a feeling of deep yearning for a meaningful relationship.  I viewed the relationship with my abuser as the most grace filled experience of my childhood.  It was life sustaining for me.  I felt loved.  He built up my self esteem.  He was my band director.  I wanted to please him.  I gave myself wholeheartedly to this effort.  I made All State Chorus four times, All State Honors Choir once, and All State Band three times.  I received far more affirmation from him for these accomplishments than I did from my parents.

My conviction that this relationship was so grace filled and life giving continued throughout my teenage  years, through seminary, and up to that point at which I had children approaching the age I was when the abuse occurred.  During Clinical Pastoral Education we told our life stories.  As I shared about my relationship with Tony, my supervisors and colleagues challenged me about the nature of that relationship.  I was adamant that it was a positive life giving relationship.  I was unable to see anything wrong with it.

Having children changed that.  The reason?  When I imagined that happening to one of my children, my visceral reaction was that 'I'd kill anyone that did that to my kids'.  You see I valued them that much more than I valued myself.  I was willing to accept the abuse because the love I felt was so desperately needed.  And I didn't deserve anything better.  But my children absolutely did.

I was a happily married pastor with two children before I realized this.  I feel some shame to admit that all my training and life experiences took so long to change my assessment of the abuser.  He was my friend.  My needed friend.  The only one who really cared for me and affirmed me. 

Actually, my first inkling that something was amiss with that relationship occurred when I was a sophomore in college, the last time I saw him.  I had called him because I was leaving Sioux Falls to move to Tacoma, where I would marry my wife in a few short months.  I had grown a beard, which at that time was a scraggly goatee.  He hated it and told me to shave it off because it hid 'my cute face'.  I haven't shaved since.

The desperate need to be loved leaves people vulnerable.  Deprivation is the handmaiden of abuse.  Remember that.

Hug your kids.  Hug them often.  Love them.  And let them know you do.