An opportunity has presented itself to me in my ministry at Peace in Otis Orchards. Later this summer there will be a training event to equip pastors for redevelopment work, something my congregation is desperately in need of having happen. This plays right into my goals and aspirations with respect to the ministry there. The truth is that I am more committed to the redevelopment of that congregation that probably anyone else I've encountered, within the congregation or without.
Part of my drive stems from my experience early in my adult years when my wife and I were part of the development of a new congregation in Gig Harbor, WA. Agnus Dei Lutheran Church was just the right place at just the right time for my wife and I. When I entered seminary one of my major goals was to be a mission developer pastor and perhaps recreate that experience for others.
And so an opportunity presents itself late in my career to do redevelopment work in Otis Orchards.
One of the struggles is that there is little if any support available to cover the cost of the training event. The congregation has limited means. There is no support available from the national Church. And our Synod is dealing with the reality of limited resources as well. The question put forward to me last night was whether I had the personal commitment level to fund the training myself. This would involve the cost of the training, airfare to Denver, lodging and some of the meals while there, and losing a week's salary from my secular employment. All this taken into consideration, there remains a cost/benefit analysis to do regarding the opportunity. If having the training does in fact give me the tools to successfully redevelop the congregation, then its all worth it. If not, it's merely throwing money at the wind.
What I struggle most with, as a bipolar person, is evaluating such an opportunity and discerning whether this is an opportunity and call coming from the Holy Spirit, or whether it simply plays into the symptoms of my disease.
Manic thought patterns make one prone to careless spending habits, grandiose schemes, and high risk business ventures, just to name a few. And this is the thing, any consideration of such an 'investment' has to be tempered with serious caution as to whether this is a good as it seems. When I'm in a full blown manic episode I can make a good case for selling ice to an Eskimo. Personal discernment is not a strong suit for a bipolar person. That's the problem.
It is especially a problem when I'm left to my own discernment.
One of my most successful efforts in ministry was also the result of one of my most manic episodes, the development of Luther Park at Sandpoint, an 87 unit senior housing project. When the dust settled on that one my biggest disappointment was that in the end the congregation did not see Luther Park as its ministry, but rather as my baby. That's the danger of flying solo. It can all be about fulfilling personal dreams and aspirations with little buy in from the larger community.
Where I'm at in my discernment and thought processes this morning is that pursuing this opportunity cannot be simply a individual quest of my own. There has to be some buy in from the Church, the local congregation, the Synod, and/or the national Church. If those three do not see the value of such an endeavor, then I must seriously question whether the value I see is genuine, or fantasy.
This is what I'm learning as I continue to work on managing my disease. Every aspect of discernment has to be, simply has to be, confirmed by others.
