Overwhelmed with emotion. As I remembered last night the events of six years ago, and the subsequent journey into sobriety I simply started crying. Tears of joy. It been a long journey, trudging every step of the way. But it is simply the way of life, not death.
There was a time when sobriety was indeed an hour by hour challenge. I clung to my Alcoholics Anonymous group as a lifeline. My greatest fear was of relapse. Sobriety was my highest priority. There was/is nothing that I'd place higher on that list. I mean that. It's that important. I would get a divorce if I were unable to remain sober in this relationship. I would abandon my faith in God if that were detrimental to my sobriety. Thankfully my wife and my faith community support my sobriety and I haven't been faced with that choice.
I call heaven and
earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death,
blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live,
loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means
life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lord
swore to give to your ancestors, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)
These verses could have been written just for me. And for any person who is an alcoholic.
It hasn't been a bed of roses. Some suggest that if an alcoholic will just stop drinking, then life will be so much better. Actually I faced the biggest challenges of my life in sobriety. I faced them in part because I was not able to hide behind the drinking anymore. Early recovery. Disabling depression and anxiety. Partial complex seizures. Resignation of call. An attempt at a new business. Moving from depression into mania. Then back to depression. Finally a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and appropriate medication. Then, and only then, did life genuinely start to improve.
Inch by inch I was able to re-enter ministry. Going to church initially caused partial complex seizures. The first time I stood before American Lutheran in Newport to simply read the lessons I was terrified. Then, step by step, I crossed one threshold after another. Teaching. Preaching. Leading worship. Supply preaching. An appointment as a transitional minister. And now, just recently a regular call to part time ministry.
I sometimes wonder if I could now drink responsibly. Yet even if I was 'cured' of my alcoholism, sobriety is the only option as all of my psychiatric drugs preclude alcohol use. I think as a whole psychiatrists are just not appreciative of drinking as a way of life. Perhaps because for so many like me, it never can be.
One of the most overwhelming things has been the way that God provided for us during this time. I hesitate to claim that providence because some have not experienced it. But we have. We were able to negotiate disability, The loss of both of our jobs, and an unsuccessful attempt at a business. All this while we adjusted to a mortgage on our new home, purchased just a short while before the collapse. Bottom line: not a payment has been missed. Not a single payment.
One of the issues I must live with now is the necessity to be vigilant regarding my bipolar diagnosis. It is humbling to have to recognize that part of who I am is symptomatic of a disease. My grand plans-- mania. My melancholy, not the creative contemplation of a philosopher, but depression.
Two mantras have come to me during this period of my life. "God flunked chemistry." is one of them. It reflects the frustration with maintaining the appropriate chemical balance within my head. Forgive me, God.
The second is "What I lacked in righteousness, I made up for in timidity." I actually got into enough trouble as it is. Were I bolder I shudder to think of the consequences of either my drinking or my being bipolar.
As I reflect on the role of the Church, I'm drawn back to an earlier crisis in my life and a conviction that arose there. "The calling of the Church is to believe on behalf of the besieged, for that is their only lifeline to faith." Sometimes it is not possible for us to have faith in and of ourselves. Others need to carry us faithfully through the void. And one day faith will return.
And finally, my prayer during these last few years:
Hold me tight, most precious Lord,
That I may follow you.
Grant me grace to live each day,
May I be born anew.
Lift me up whene'er I fall
And never let me fade
from the grace filled light
Of your own sight
That turns the night to day.
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