Breaking Free

It's been over 100 days now since I had my last cigarette.  I've saved approximately $1,000 during that time.  A bit less than that because I'm still vaping as a nicotine replacement therapy to aid in this process.  With the vaping you can buy the juice in a variety of strengths.  I began at 24 mg.  I've managed to reduce that to 12 mgs.  It's going well.

Probably the most significant development during this time of breaking free is that I'm developing a self image and identity that I am not a smoker.  I am moving from a compulsion to always having tobacco at hand to a revulsion at the thought of ever purchasing again.  I am confident in saying that I've purchased my last tobacco. 

This is major.  It's the mindset that I've achieved with respect to alcohol.  That's the reason for my optimism regarding smoking.  Not one more.  Done.  Finished.

There remains the issue of vaping.  The advantage of using vaping as a stop smoking aid is that it has proven to be a good substitute.  I had reached a roadblock in that I just couldn't get through a work day and the breaks without having a smoke.  Vaping got me beyond that.  The encouraging thing is that I've been able to reduce the nicotine content of the vaping without issue.  You can actually get the vapor juice with nicotine levels of 36, 24, 18, 12, 6, and 0.  My strategy has been to settle in at one level until I'm very satisfied, and then to reduce to the next level.  In the end, it will get to the point at which I'm not getting any nicotine, and then it will be just a matter of finally saying "hey, I don't need this pacifier anymore.  Then I'll be done.

This whole issue of chemical addiction is an interesting one to experience.  One observation that has come to me is that it is the body's ability to adapt to the presence of chemicals in the system that makes breaking free so difficult.  The point being that once the body adapts to a certain chemical, be it alcohol, or nicotine, or other drugs, there is a negative reaction that comes from cessation.  Withdrawal.  For those of you who have never been addicted, just understand this.  The problem is the withdrawal.  It's not that a smoker can just put down the tobacco and feel as good as a non-smoker.  During withdrawal one feels terrible, quite frankly.  That's why we continue. 

I'm told that smoking is one of the most difficult addictions to break.  I believe that.  It's been a greater struggle than drinking, by far.  In my case all that was required to stop drinking was a recognition that it had truly become a problem.  Well that and the recognition that one more day drinking might have been the end of my life. . .  With drinking, once I recognized that I'd hit rock bottom I recognized that this was not something I could wait until 'tomorrow' to address.  It had to happen now.  Smoking is different.  Unless one is diagnosed with lung cancer, for example, one always believes that one doesn't have to stop today, you can always do it tomorrow.  And even if one has a diagnosis of lung cancer or other such smoking related diseases there is a sense that the damage has already been done.  I can have another cigarette.  I'll quit tomorrow.

I grew up in the context of the religious pietism of my scandinavian family.  Though some of that pietism was subsiding by that time, there still was a sense that smoking, drinking, gambling, (and dancing!) etc., were sinful.  To this day, there is an anti-pietist tendency in the church that scoffs at the old notion of the sinfulness of these things.

I'm either becoming a pietist in my old age, or at least recognizing that those old timers understood something significant.  After having fought the battle of addiction I'm more convinced than ever of the sinfulness of these addictions.  There is a point at which one crosses the line.  One can drink alcohol in a healthy manner and I'm not suggesting such consumption is a sin.  But for some of us, addiction happens.  Why, I'm not sure we know.  But it happens.  Same with other drugs like nicotine.  I've also been addicted to Ativan. 

The thing about addiction is that you can talk all you want about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, but it is another god that controls one's behaviors.  One's entire life is structured around the addictive behavior.  Provisions are made to insure that one never faces withdrawal.  No sacrifice is too great.  Family, jobs, and even one's own life are all sacrificed at the altar of the addiction.  If that's not a definition of a god, I don't know what is.

Part of what I'm saying is that I recognize now the importance of a deep repentance in the process of breaking free.  This is not just about coughing less.  This is about 'having no other gods before me'.