Accepting Limitations II

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"

Those were the words of my psychologist a few years back.  I wanted to revisit this subject today.

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"  I didn't know how to respond.  What kind of question is that, anyway? 

"Let me help you out here.  The first thing you say is your conclusion.  You mull things over in your head until you've come to a conclusion and then, and only then, do you talk with others about an issue."  That's my mode of operation.  It's part of the fabric of my psychi. 

My wife, Karla, has a different approach.  She tends to speak about issues long before reaching a conclusion, and in conversation with others gradually come to a conclusion. 

The psychologist went on to say, as an example, that if Karla were to say "Maybe we should get divorced," what that indicates is that there is something to address in our marriage that she's unhappy with and she wants to talk about it.  He observed that if I were to say "Maybe we should get a divorce," the bags would already be packed and the lawyers retained.

As I've considered this way I work, reaching a conclusion first and then approaching the subject with others, I find myself wondering what's behind that.

A friend responded to last Sunday's post by saying how true that was with her husband as well, and wondering if it was a real tendency for introverted people in  general. 

That may be part of it.  Introverts gain their strength from within and on that basis relate to the outside world.  Extroverts are the opposite.  They gain their strength through interaction with others and on that basis are at peace within themselves.  Introverts become exhausted when dealing at length with personal interaction.  Extroverts get all charged up by the interaction.  Introverts withdraw to regain their strength and perspective.  Extroverts reach out to do the same.

That undoubtedly plays into decision making processes.  Introverts draw upon their inner strength to make decisions.  Extroverts engage others more readily in the process.

As an introvert, I can engage others in a decision making process.  It is overwhelmingly exhausting to do so, however.  It's just a lot of work.  An incredible amount of work. 

There's something else.  When a person observes my type of decision making, one might conclude that there is a lot of ego in it, relying entirely on one own perspective, not taking other people into consideration, etc.  As my wife observed, "when we got married we signed up for a partnership!"

I believe its quite the opposite.  I believe extroverts have a greater sense of self confidence and are more capable of negotiating the waters of group decision making than introverts are.  If an open ended question is on the floor and a discussion is underway, my tendency in such situations is acquiescence.  I avoid conflict.  This means that if I tried to function in the manner my wife does, I would almost always defer to the other's point of view, and then stew about it. 

It is a need for self confidence that leads an introvert to do their homework, thoroughly understand their own position, and only from that point enter into conversation.  I can only 'stand my ground' if I am thoroughly convinced of my own conclusion prior to engaging others.  Self confidence comes from within for an introvert. 

It's hard to understand and relate to others with these differences.  When my wife says that she'd like to be more involved in decisions such as buying a new car, there's a voice that goes off in my head that says "I'll never have a say in the matter again."  When she suggests that because of my being bipolar we need to discuss things more, that voice says "I'm being treated like a child." 

The word that comes to me is emasculation.  But I use that in a different way, not a sexist way.  The introvert draws on their inner self for strength, and to insist that an introvert function differently, for example, relying on other's input to make decisions, is to remove the source of the introvert's strength and, yes, self. It's not a male/female thing.  It's an introvert/extrovert thing.  Extroverts function well engaging others in a decision making process.  Introverts don't.  That makes life difficult when introverts and extroverts must live together and make mutual decisions.

As for myself, when I have to engage others in decision making processes, I respond by trying to be so thoroughly prepared and grounded in my thoughts and convictions that I can draw on this to carry through on the conversation.  I have my conclusion in hand, for the most part. 

Recently there was a situation where someone, who I believe to be much more extroverted than I, insisted on having conversations regarding some decisions 'face to face'.  Without getting into the specifics, my reaction was that this was all about manipulation.  I fear and detest the feeling of being manipulated.  My point is that introverts will tend to withdraw to make decisions, extroverts will lay it on the line in interaction with others.  An introvert who is forced to engage others in the decision making process feels manipulated.  An extrovert feels excluded from an introvert's process of drawing from within.

I don't know the solution to this.  But understanding the difference is important.