Permission to be. . .Happy

Strange title.  Unless you're bipolar.
I'm making some changes in my life, entering into semi-retirement.  I've left my job at the cabinet shop where I've worked the last four years, am beginning to take some pensions withdrawals, and reopening my own business.

The previous job was difficult.  Up at 3:30 am, hour commute, ten hour days, home at five for supper, then bed.  Day after day.  Drudgery.

I'm done.

In spite of having surgery on Monday for two hernias (thanks to the heavy lifting at my prior job) I've felt better than I have in years.  Really good.

Sound the alarms.

As a bipolar person one cannot help but wonder when you feel good, if you're feeling TOO good.  Actually, Monday following surgery that may have been the case.  Hydrocodone and acetaminophen.  Norco.  I reacted and couldn't sleep all night.  Perhaps a bit high.  I stopped after two doses.  I'll put up with the pain.

But, in general, I'm excited.  Really excited.

My son and I are building a shop.  Lifetime dream.  Its happening.  Excitement.  And with my reopening my business I'm buying a few new tools.  Not an excessive amount.  But a few.  Any new tool is cause for excitement.  A planer.  A sliding miter saw.  A dovetail jig.  Oh, and I'll be building a new assembly table.  Well thought out, and needed.  Not breaking my budget.

But the albatross hanging around the neck of any bipolar person who actually feels good, even great, is mania.  Has my chemical balance shifted? 

My psychiatrist applauds the changes.  She's not concerned.  "Well thought out, rational choices, that make sense."  Not some grandiose scheme to change the world.

And then things are going well at church.  Some welcome developments that should stabilize that congregation for a good while.

So is it alright to actually be happy and excited about life?  I've spent so much of my life pensive and melancholy that I'm just not sure what to do with my self and can't help wondering what's wrong.

Maybe "what's wrong" is just that every things right.

That's a change.

When God opens a door

Persistence and resilience are a mixed bag.  Sometimes those traits have gotten me in trouble as I pushed down a road I probably was not meant to go down in the first place.  Sometimes doors close for a reason.  They've also been a Godsend, allowing me to achieve goals and bounce back from life's pitfalls.  In these instances doors open, sometimes like those automated doors in businesses-- you approach and the door opens.  These are special moments.

Part of my faith is to trust these open doors and to see in them the hand of God leading, guiding, and providing.  It was like that when we went to seminary.  It was really like that when we came to Sandpoint.  And when I went through treatment, left ministry on disability, and began to rebuild my life doors opened along the way.

And now I face another such transition and moving into my retirement years.  This has opened up some possibilities.  Key among them is building a shop and resuming my work in my own business, Olsons WoodWorks.  For a while I encountered roadblock after roadblock, especially with regards to insurance.  Insurers just don't like the exposure of home based businesses.  Or making anything for children.  Or ladders.  Or boats.  Or stools.  Uffda.

But on Friday I received the pledge for the insurance, as well as the go ahead on the shop, and  positive news on the church front.  Every uncertainty seemed to be answered and in the positive. 

Life feels good right now.

One of the most encouraging things is when those trusted friends you count on offer their affirmation.  That's a  good meter, a sanity meter if you will, for judging whether one's judgment passes the smell test.  And to have my psychiatrist weigh in on this and applaud the decision really helped.  Of course, the most important voice to listen to was my wife, whose caution is a good counter to my ambition.

There are many months ahead when I'm sure some uncertainty will remain.  But we move forward in faith and good courage.  I'm reminded again of my prayer, composed  by me during one of my transitions, and to which my heart returns from time to time.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Questions & Answers

One of the most difficult aspects of being bipolar is negotiating the challenges of life, making decisions on important issues, and being certain that those decisions are rational and not part of a manic flurry or depressed fog.  In a manic phase one can be far too bold and optimistic.  "Why do you doubt me and my dreams?" would be an example of the mindset.  In a depressed mode decisions are made, if they are made at all, with a sense of "I have no choice."

I think I'm in a good place.  The questions I wrote about last time are being answered.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
   The answer is yes.  I have a golden opportunity to do that and a major commission with which to start doing the kitchen for my brother and sister in law.
2. If so, should I build a shop?
   My financing has been approved so yes.  I think so.  Unfortunately it won't be done in time to build the kitchen.  But its coming.
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
   This looks favorable right now.  Another congregation is exploring sharing the building with us, and contributing to the cause.  This may result in the congregation being viable again.
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
   I've purchased a dovetail jig.  A planer is also necessary.  Pretty much everything else can wait.
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
   This is less clear.  I guess the answer is 'as much as is necessary to sustain the income as long as I need it.
6. Will my health hold up?
   I hope so.  But I'm getting older.
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
   This hasn't made it to the top of the list with my family doctor.  I'm hoping it's bursitis and will improve once I'm no longer doing as much highly repetitive work on a day to day basis.  (Though there will still be some.)
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
   I'll live with them for a while.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
   My heart tested just fine.  That was a great relief.
   
   What has emerged though is an umbilical and ventral hernia.  Yup, two.  That's an easy surgery and recovery.  Will take care of it.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?
    This is the easiest question.  Living the dream in Sandpoint, being self employed, and enjoying ministry.  Sleeping well.  And enjoying family time again.

I think these decisions and answers pass the smell test.  None of my family are contemplating hauling me into my doctor.  Though I see her on Wednesday.

The bottom line is I'm excited to finish off my working career this way.  In that working in my own shop is what I envisioned for retirement, doing so for a profit is not a bad way to transition into retirement.  

And I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel excited.  Yeah baby.  Life is good.