Culprit or Cure

So I just finished the weekly ritual.  Filling out my medications for the week.  Every week as I do this I'm just disgusted that my life requires this much stuff.  I know about chemical dependency.  Scotch was more fun.  None of these drugs are fun.  Just drugs.

Some of them are inexpensive.  On the other hand, one of those bottles contains a ninety day supply of Abilify, which in its generic form is somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,000.  Rozerem, a sleep medication, is also up there.  Thankfully there is insurance.

I struggle with the medications, though I know they are necessary and my life is manageable because of them.  The struggle is that the human body doesn't always respond well to this amount of foreign chemicals being introduced to it.

Side effects.  The small print at the bottom of the page.  Some of those are immediately apparent.  Some develop over time.  

I'm on an alternative treatment for cholesterol because the statins created so much muscle pain I would have rather died young than lived like that.  The new treatment works.

Currently I'm dealing with another series of side effects.  

Let's just say that I'm discovering all the ways to 'dysfunction'.

Every time an issue comes up there is the mysterious little debate.  Is this a new problem on its own right?  Is this being caused by one of the medications you are on?  If so, which one?  And if you have that all figured out, what are the alternatives?  And is there any insurance that the alternative is better, or at least less harmful, than the original?

This last go round, I was sure that the culprit was my antidepressant.  When I consulted with my doctor the answer was probably not, but quite likely my blood pressure medication.  So I went of the blood pressure medication, and my blood pressure went up 30 points over night.

Then I visited with my psychiatrist who said, "Well,  yes, that's quite possible.  But did the Dr. tell you that you might have to be off the Toprol XL for over a year before you see any improvement?"

So what that means is that we could go a whole year and not know if the Toprol XL was the problem or not.  It is frustrating.

In the meantime, I will likely be put back on a different class of blood pressure medication, and perhaps even a new medication to counteract the side effects of the other medication.  Who knows?  And with every change of medication there is a concern about how that effects the overall balance with all the other medications.

Better living through chemicals.  

Well, sort of-- I'm stable.  But there's a price.

Instability, or perhaps it was just the flu shot.

There are times I wonder why I continue to write this blog as I have been so stable that it seems I have little to say about being bipolar.  Of course, perhaps the most important thing I have to say is that with proper management and medication, bipolar people can live their lives with relatively stable moods.  

And then there are other times when the instability of my situation comes into play.

Family of origin issues are major triggers for instability.  So much so that at times I wish I didn't have a family of origin, except for the fact that without one I would not be.  Oh, the dilemma.  

The basic situation is straight forward.  My father owns a home on Flathead Lake.  He is enjoying good health and a long life.  He lives now in a senior housing community.  He has long term care insurance, but his good health precludes him from using it.  He has had an adequate pension, but his long life has resulted in those resources being depleted.  

And so it is time to for him to consider selling the place on the lake.  Our first choice would be to keep it in the family, and one sibling is considering buying it, but doesn't want to create division in the family.  Another sibling is adamantly opposed to its being sold, which ironically may result in it having to be sold outside of the family.  And still others have no problem with the sale and use of the proceeds to provide Dad the resources he needs at this time.  Complex issues and interpersonal dynamics.

Having been informed of the various issues surrounding the decision (which for the record will in the end be Dad's decision, not ours) I found myself plunging into a depressed state yesterday.  All I wanted to do was sleep, but I couldn't.  I lost my appetite, and left half of my steak dinner on the plate.  I welcomed in the new year by going to bed at 6:30 pm, and waking almost in time to say hello to 2017, 12:15 am.  

I write in self defense.  Writing has become a means for me to protect myself from these mood swings, to center myself, and reestablish some equilibrium. 

And then another thought comes into play.  Earlier last week I had my annual physical and with that, a flu shot.  Perhaps what I was experiencing health wise was simply a reaction to the flu shot.  It's hard to tell.

 Coping.  If I've learned anything through all the counseling I've participated in it is this:  It doesn't matter what happens, what matters is how we respond to what happens.  Secondly, we set our boundaries.  We do not let others drive our moods.  That will at times mean keeping others at arms length, of refusing to engage.

The struggle is how do we balance the need for personal intimacy with others, while limiting the vulnerability that such intimacy entails.  

I wish I had the answer to that question.  The more engaged I am with others, the more likely that I will experience violent mood swings.  But the alternative is to fall into isolation, and with that, depression.  

I thank God for our grandchild.  Jasper is a constant source of delight.  Just watching him grow and develop is good medicine for the soul.  

There are times I think that it would be a good idea to sell our home and move closer to my work.  (My commute is 40 miles one way to the cabinet shop, an additional 20 miles to the church.)  But the cost of moving would be that it would become more difficult to pick up hot fudge Sundaes and go spend a few minutes of delight with Jasper.  

Finally, there is the dream world.  Dreams have been, uh, shall I say entertaining of late.

This morning I had a dream (inbetween the first 12:15 wake up, and the 2:15 get up).  It began with forgetting to bring a printed copy of my sermon to worship.  When I arrived at church I discovered that in the process of installing all sorts of hi-tech equipment we had lost internet capability and I was not able to access my "drop box" to print off my sermon there.  Over the course of the dream, our little congregation's sanctuary morphed into a multi level mega Church sanctuary.  Many people from my past were part of the congregation.  But most entertaining of all was that while I was busy trying desparately to down load my sermon (which you can read at wanderingsthroughtheword.com, Year A, The Name of Jesus, Yeshua -- Yes my dream included my actual sermon for today) the service started without me.  The opening of the service involved a traveling troupe of transvestite entertainers (they came highly recommended) that were leading the congregation in an activity, a holy 'water wars' type of game (alla Bible Camp) in remembrance of our baptism. 

I kid you not.  That was the dream.  

I now have a vision of how to redevelop my little congregation into a mega Church. . .