Being Me, And Only Me

Having gone through as much psychotherapy as I have, I'd like to think that I've established better personal boundaries.  I am growing in my understanding about who I am and who I am not.  Even more so, I like to believe that I've become much more comfortable just being me, and only me.

Over the years I've spent in ministry I've struggled with being torn between simply being me, and attempting to be that which will please others, specifically my parishioners who often seemed to have some quite explicit expectations about who I should be.  For better or for worse, I am who I am and there is little to be gained and much to be lost in trying to be anything else.

Case in point.  Throughout much of my career I kept my political inclinations strictly to myself, and with the exception of those who worked at the polling places, no one knew whether I was a registered Democrat or Republican.  Living in Idaho, a very Republican part of the country, populated with some very conservative, right wing Republicans, I often felt it was a matter of professional survival to keep my Democratic inclinations under wrap.

And then there was the day that I shared with a trusted parishioner, "Gee, I wonder how they would react if they knew I was a Democrat?"  The response was straight forward.  "Oh, we've all figured that out long ago."

One encounters some risks with being honest about one's identity.  Especially in this highly polarized climate that we live in.  "I've never understood how one can be both a Christian and a Democrat, especially a pastor."  Actual quote from a parishioner.  Part of my mission, I've decided is to challenge such presumptions.  

Other areas of my life also have found me drawn to being very open and forthright about who I am.  I write this blog about being Bipolar.  There is a lot of stigma about being mentally ill, even when one is well treated.  And yet if people like me are not open about our struggles how will other people ever come to appreciate that mental illness is not some grave condition that is to be feared.  I live a quite normal life now.  I'm bipolar but functioning.  Its good for people to know that.

Neither am I ashamed to admit I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I should have been ashamed, perhaps, when I was drinking like a fish.  But, I wasn't.  I'll always remember the words of an alcoholic that led an AA Meeting in my congregation in Baker.  I was expressing my concern about maintaining their privacy and anonymity as they met, and he responded, "The whole world saw me when I was drunk, why would I care if they see me now that I'm sober."

There is a risk about being honest about who you are.  You might experience rejection.  But if people never know who you are you will never experience true acceptance either.  Perhaps you will be able to create a public image of yourself that is 'acceptable', but to the extent that image is not who you really are, they are not accepting the real you.  

And so I've resolved to rise or fall on the basis of who I am, and only who I am.  People who have read this blog over the years have a pretty good idea of who I am.  Although there is a lot I have not included here just because its not part of the focus of the blog.  But of that material that is included, know this, that I've sought to be as honest as I can be.

In the end, we only have one life to live.  Given that one shot at life, I believe it is better to live our own life, than pretending to be someone other than who we are.  That would be a waste of everything.

Am I depressed, or is life just depressing. . .?

I am a card carrying liberal Democrat.  Given the current state of affairs in our country, that alone is depressing.  What's most depressing is not that a Republican is in office, but that the Republican party is so blind to their own.  Had Hillary Clinton done any number of the things that have already transpired in the Trump campaign/presidency, there'd be countless congressional investigations underway.  How bad will it have to get before Republicans step up to the fore and do what is right.  Some are, but they are the minority.  Depressing.

I have been delighted to be back in ministry.  It feels good.  It feels like my life's calling once again.  But it is also depressing.

My little congregation is in need of redeveloping.  Attrition has taken its toll.  I don't know that there is any one thing that needs fixing in order to right the ship.  I'm more concerned that we live in an age where making the case for any form of 'organized religion' is a hard sell.

One of my projects has been to use Facebook as a means of outreach into the community.  Brief synopses of my sermons and other posts are 'boosted' and distributed to households throughout our service area.  Many of those posts reach upwards of 2,000 homes, and there are many who respond with likes, and a few comments.  What hasn't happened yet is for anyone, on the basis of those posts, to take the big leap and actually visit worship at Peace Lutheran.

I resolve to faithfully put forth Biblically sound messages.  I frequently recall the verses from Isaiah 55:

10 For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,

and do not return there until they have watered the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

and succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

My soul and spirit cry out that "it is your Word, God, do something with it in the hearts of the people."

Yet week after week, the regulars show up, and rarely a visitor.  We are looking for a few good, folks.  Actually, even a few good sinners in need of forgiveness would do.  

One of the things I have encountered out there is an anti-Evangelical Lutheran Church in America sentiment.  There is a "righteous" indignation out there focused at us and other mainline churches that have decided in recent years that we would no longer condemn gay and lesbian people, but rather welcome them, and yes, even allow for their marriage and ordination.  

What is most depressing about this is that there are so many people that are so deeply prejudiced and judgmental about gay and lesbian people.  "We welcome gay and lesbian people, but if you are to be in leadership in our church you must conform to a 'biblical lifestyle'".  That sounds good, I suppose, but there is not the same demand of others.

Jesus is not recorded in the scriptures as saying one bit about homosexuality, even though it was a very well known aspect of the Greco-Roman world in which he lived.  He did, however, have much to say about divorce.  Divorce and remarriage are identified by Jesus as being adulterous.  And adultery, for the record, made the "Top Ten" of laws, etched in stone by the hand of God.  Right in between murder and stealing.  If it is not only divorce, but divorce AND remarriage that is adulterous, what would true repentance look like, the type of repentance being demanded of gay and lesbian people prior to their inclusion in the Church?

If you want to be that type of Church, and exclude divorced people along with gay and lesbian people, then at least you'd be consistent.  And I'd have a request of you.  As you kick the divorced people out of your churches, send them our way.  Remember, we are the ones carving out our niche in the world welcoming sinners.

Thankfully, in most Christian circles, grace abounds when it comes to divorced people.  What is depressing to me is that this same gracious attitude does not extend to gay and lesbian people.  Ah, we can be so righteous in our judgments.  Until we look in the mirror.  

All this I find rather depressing.

But perhaps it is because it IS depressing, not because I am depressed.  

This I think is the balancing act for one who has bipolar disorder and yet still must deal with the world as it is.  We have to be vigilant in guarding against plummeting into depression.  But at the same time, life naturally has its ups and downs, its ebbs and flows, its highs and lows.  Sometimes we are depressed, not because of a major misfire in our brains, or because of a chemical imbalance, but simply because the circumstances that we are dealing with are depressing.  And that is alright.  Its natural.  Its healthy.