Accepting Limitations

To say my wife is more fiscally conservative than I is so true as to be almost humorous.

To be cautious as one lives within the limits imposed by the symptoms of being bipolar and the necessity of reining in things such as spending sprees is appropriate. 

To combine those two is a pill hard to take at times, but perhaps good medicine.

And yet in the midst of all that there is the question of reasonable choices and living life.

And then there are basic personality issues that affect choices in living.  Sometimes it is not about the choices being made, but the manner in which those choices are made.

I could do better in taking my wife's concerns into consideration.  How much of that is my bipolar tendencies running running amok, and how much is basic issues of independence and stubbornness?  That's a good question.

A couple of background issues to consider are:
1.  One of the defining symptoms of mania is the "excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g. engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)."  DSM 5
2.  One of my psychologists correctly observed, years ago, that my mode of operations is to mull issues over in my head until I reach a conclusion, and then, and only then, to broach the subject with others. 

This latter issue has been a struggle in our marriage from time to time.  My wife is the opposite in that she is inclined to think out loud, and to converse about things prior to any conviction or conclusion being made.  Imagine that.  And so more often than I care to admit a subject has come up between us wherein I've long since arrived at my conclusion and been in the position of needing then to convince my wife.  I readily admit this does not make for the most mutual of marriage decision making processes, but it is the reality we have lived with.  She's left wanting to be part of the decision making process, I'm left irritated because she's generally not the "mull it over" type anyway. 

Now when you add to that the above symptom of being bipolar there is added weight to the issue.

My wife pointed out a few examples of where I could do better:  my latest decisions regarding purchasing a car, noise canceling headphones, and hearing aids.  Now this is the way those matters came down.

The car.  Over the course of a couple of years as I commuted to work, I was getting more and more frustrated with the cost of the commute, spending over $100 a week on gas alone.  I determined in my own mind that purchasing a more efficient car would alleviate this.  I started researching options.  A visit to the Toyota dealership resulted in my finding a Hybrid Camry, at the right price.  The savings on gas would more than make up for the car payments, in fact I'd be quite ahead of the curve.   Long and short of it, it made sense financially.  I consulted with my wife, via a phone call from the dealership!!!  Somehow she didn't feel this was adequate.  She has a point.

More recently I chose to purchase noise cancelling headphones.  Again, as I dealt with the noise in my shop and the cabinet shop at work, I mulled this over quite a bit.  As things go, this was not a great expense, a couple hundred dollars.  But again, talking it over might have been a good thing. . .

Regarding the hearing aids, we had talked about it quite a bit.  And then one morning my old hearing aids went belly up.  By the end of the day I had ordered the new aids.  This was a timing issue more than anything else.  We had previously decided that I would purchase them in a couple more weeks, when I had received my inheritance.  This one will work out fine as the money will be in hand to pay for them shortly. but again, consulting more would be good.

The decisions were not bad, as my wife said, but the manner of reaching those decisions could be improved.

As I mull this over again (I do that, see above) I find myself wondering if this whole scenario is a symptomatic of my disease, or simply the consequence of being an independent cuss.  Either way, I find myself locked into behavioral patterns and resentful at the thought of being curtailed in any way.  Accepting limitations and embracing caution is hard.

One of the things that has made this particularly difficult is that I am extraordinarily capable of making a damn good case for my point of view, even when it is the result of a manic episode.  Case in point, the development of the senior housing.  I not only convinced the congregation to move forward on it, I convinced the Mission Investment Fund of our church to make the largest loan they had ever made, as well as convincing Ecumen to develop and manage the facility. 

Even when in a full blown manic episode my ideas have had some merit.  As my wife observed regarding the above three matters, it's not that a more efficient car, or noise cancelling headphones, or better hearing aids are bad ideas.  But somehow I need to get a handle on making decisions in a more mutually satisfying manner that takes into consideration my wife's concerns as well as the realities of my diagnosis. 

I understand this.  I really do.  But in the moment I also deeply resent the feeling of being supervised, like I was a small child incapable of making reasonable decisions and choices.  Adding to that is a lifetime of tendencies.  For example, with the exception of when our car had been totalled in an accident (twice this happened) the decision to buy or not buy a car has been largely left up to me, with my wife's consent in the end.  She has never initiated such a decision.  This fits the same pattern that typified her parent's marriage, so it has a bit of history behind it. 

I will try to do better, but it will not be easy.  But who said life is easy, particularly when dealing with fundamental issues of differing personalities and a mental health diagnosis.