Kavanaugh & Ford, et. al.

Kavanaugh & Ford, et. al.

First of all, as a liberal Democrat one thing I realize is that a conservative will be appointed to the Supreme Court regardless of the outcome of this hearing.  President Trump is not going to appoint a liberal judge.  Earl Warren is not waiting in the wings.

Truth matters to me.  I do not desire an injustice to be done, neither to Brett Kavanaugh, or to Christine Blasey Ford.  And I don't know what actually happened.  My own experience is that I have been a victim of abuse during my adolescent years.  I also am a pastor, and as such, subject to discipline, termination, and defrocking in the case of sexual misconduct.  I know the damage mere allegations can have.  In our mobility papers we are asked if we have ever been accused of and investigated for sexual misconduct.  To acknowledge that you have been accused and investigated, even if cleared, is to jeopardize a potential call.  That's difficult.

Who to believe?  I'll give both parties the benefit of the doubt here.  My understanding is that Dr. Ford voluntarily submitted to a lie detector test prior to testifying.  Gutsy move.  It adds a lot of credibility.  She certainly wouldn't have to have done that.  As for Judge Kavanaugh, everyone seems to agree that drinking was involved.  My own experience of drinking to excess is that I would deny ever having blacked out and not being able to remember what I did.  But the thing is, you often don't remember that you don't remember.  Karla would tell you that there were times that I didn't remember.  But I have no recollection of those things that I couldn't recall.  It's very possible that Judge Kavanaugh genuinely cannot recall those events, if they occurred.

That said, a powerful, angry, and intimidating response to the charges wasn't helpful for me.  The reason being that power, anger, and intimidation are the tools of an abuser.  If you've been accused of being a raging bully, don't defend yourself by being a raging bully. 

The culture.  Here I'll share my experience of the eighties.  As a young adult I was the president of my congregation when my pastor confessed to sexual misconduct.  I was the one who reported it to the bishop.  My involvement became a red flag for my subsequent candidacy for ordination.  My candidacy committee grilled me at length about my roll.  They demanded I go immediately to Clinical Pastoral Education, where I was to deal with my issues.

During CPE we went on a retreat to the north shore of Lake Superior for evaluations.  Prior to departure we were informed of the sauna.  It was traditional during the retreat to have a clothing optional sauna with the group.  Our group consisted of five men and four women.  We were told very specifically that "if we had hangups about our own nudity, wear a swimsuit; if we had hangups about other people's nudity, wear blinders; but if we didn't have any hangups (and were truly well adjusted healthy individuals) come nude."  I was relieved that the sauna didn't work that weekend.

Three things did happen.  I was propositioned by two of my colleagues.  And, in a fitting end to it all, we got caught in a lake effect snowstorm and I, together with my four female colleagues who all chose to ride with me because I was the 'safe' one, got snowbound at Lutzen resort, where we spent the night in one room, the only room available.  An aside, one of the individuals who propositioned me went on to be convicted of multiple sex crimes and sentenced to what will amount to life in prison.

Bottom line-- there was a lot happening at that time that was inappropriate.

Having said all that, my experience of drinking, and what was made very clear during  my chemical dependency treatment, is that drinking, even in moderation, affects memory.  Drinking to excess can entirely wipe out all memory.  It's like the consciousness sedation I received during a medical procedure.  I was awake the whole time but could recall none of it. 

If I were to counsel Judge Kavanaugh in this matter (he hasn't called and asked for my advice) I would suggest the following.  First that he acknowledge his drinking patterns.  Secondly, that he would acknowledge that while drunk, he may have behaved in inappropriate ways, some of which he recalls, but some of which he may have no recollection of whatsoever.  And that finally, he respond to Dr. Ford's accusations by saying that "I have no recollection of that, but if I did do anything to harm you during that time, I deeply regret it and ask your forgiveness.  I take full responsibility for my drinking, and accept the fact that I am also responsible for my behaviors, whether I remember them or not."

Of course, there is another possibility.  That either Dr. Ford, or Judge Kavanaugh are blatantly lying.  In that case, I would wonder what in the world Dr. Ford has to gain by lying.  Judge Kavanaugh, on the other hand, is seeking to win approproval for a life time appointment to the highest court in the land and has a motive.

One final, personal note.  Accountability is an interesting thing.  Both as a bipolar person, and as an alcoholic, there are things that I have done that are symptomatic of these diseases.  To what extent am I accountable?  And to what extent was I 'out of control' because of the diseases.  With respect to alcoholism, we hold alcoholics responsible for their actions, as they chose to get drunk.  But what about being bipolar.  Is a bipolar person fully responsible for actions taken while in a manic phase?  Especially prior to diagnosis and treatment?  The latter is harder.  An alcoholic knows when he/she is drunk.  A bipolar person, especially prior to diagnosis and treatment, is less likely to be able to monitor and curb the actions that arise during a manic phase.  Their reality is just different. 

The Blessing and Curse of Diversity

The blessing and curse of diversity in the Church-- they're one and the same thing.

They sit just a few feet from each other in Church.  One Sunday a few months back, during the refugee crisis, one of them asked that we pray for President Trump because he's destroying our country.  The sentiment was clearly that through prayer we might change the direction Trump was headed and the course down which our country is being led.

And then this last Sunday, we were asked by the other person to pray for Brett Kavanaugh that God might give him peace throughout these confirmation hearings and the vicious attacks that are aimed at destroying him. 

In the first case I had a conversation with the gentleman and explained that I simply could not offer such politically partisan prayers.  In the second I offered a petition for "wisdom and discernment for our elected officials and peace of mind to all involved" in the hearings.

After thought and reflection I have come to a couple of conclusions.  First, given the political divide in our country it is incredibly difficult to maintain a unity of Spirit within a congregation.  Secondly, that we face such a divide in our congregation is a wonderful blessing for it indicates that there is no political litmus test for membership here. 

Of course, this puts pressure on me as the pastor.  There is a balancing act involved in the attempt to be in active conversation with the various voices in the congregation.  The most difficult thing is that I have a political bias, and the truth is that those biases inevitably show up in various subtle and not so subtle ways.  How does one keep that enough in check as to be able to continue to effectively serve both camps?  And yet, how does one avoid losing all integrity by not addressing issues that are clearly important with deep convictions of faith involved.

Case in point, our immigration crisis.  That families should be reunited (actually, never separated in the first place) seems to me to be such a basic issue of Christian virtue, justice, morality, etc., etc., that it blows my mind that others support the practice at our border, and that to suggest it should be otherwise is such a politically biased and controversial position in our day and age.  A second and more complicated issue is the controversies involved in the Kavanaugh hearing.  Let's just say that it is unfathomable to me that some Christians (actually many!) will side with Kavanaugh, even if he is guilty of the allegations, and that they are ready to vilify the woman who is alleged to be the victim in this case.  I mean, my sentiments believe that we should be supporting the victim, not the abuser.  And yet there is another perspective, namely that though wrong, this behavior is so far in the past and really should be water under the bridge by now.  Destroy a man's life over some poor judgment calls as a youth?  No, many people are saying.  And of course, there is the question of who do you believe?

Our congregation has a purpose statement which declares "God's purpose for our congregation is to welcome, love, and serve all in our local and global community."  That we have such a statement to guide us is wonderful and everyone seems to embrace it.  But the implications can be very controversial.  I believe that it is my calling as a pastor to offer pastoral care to everyone, regardless.  But in saying that am I making a highly biased statement?  The truth is that many can support such a statement in general, but the specifics get sticky.  Are conservatives ready to extend the Church's welcome to gay and lesbian people?  Are liberals willing to extend the Church's welcome to those who feel this is wrong?  And can the two live together?

Reconciled Diversity is a concept our national Church adopted.  We differ, but remain one in Christ.

My hope and prayer is that we will continue to live into that reality.

Audio Heaven, Auditory Hell

Listening this morning, at this moment, to Judy Collins' version of "Amazing Grace" and other songs.  I've experienced a rebirth of my passion for music.

I'm of the generation of high fidelity sound, and stereos being an essential piece of life.  I remember the dorms at college.  To say we invested heavily in sound equipment is an understatement, to say the least.  I financed my stereo.  First loan I've ever taken out.  Around $500, or about $2,500 in today's cash.  Of course this was before cell phones and the other devices we use today.  I've been frustrated since because by comparison the sound systems that have become common do not measure up to the high fidelity sound of our generation.

Add to that my progressive hearing loss, and my love of music waned in recent years.  I just couldn't hear well enough.  Karla likes music at a reasonable background music level.  With a 50% hearing loss I can't appreciate music at that level, in fact, I can hardly tell what's playing.  I certainly cannot make out the instrumentation in the accompaniment, and not the words either.

And then there is Bose.  My new headphones have brought  me back to the seventies and the high fidelity sound of that era, only better.  No scratchy records, all digital recordings, and most of all, with Spotify on my phone I have instant access to virtually any music I want to listen to.  Last night Karla asked if we could listen to Joan Baez, "Diamonds and Rust".  That led to Judy Collins "Send in the Clowns".  All available in an instant.  It's as if I have ears again.

The struggle, the auditory hell, is that such quality of sound is only available through these new headphones.  Even with my new hearing aids everything else is like the transistor radios of the sixties, a faint line of melody woven into a background of static and noise. 

I've been thinking about hearing loss.  And I'm thankful I still have 50% of my hearing.  But still.

The headphones have been heavenly at work.  Their noise cancellation feature is truly effective.  I put them on with some music, and there is almost no noise from all the equipment.  And I don't have to play the music at an uncomfortable level.  I'm in a world of  my own.  That's also the problem.

I envision a future of ever increasing isolation due to the hearing loss. 

The frustration of not being able to hear leads one to withdraw.  "Excuse me."  "What was that?"  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that, what did you say?"  And then, worst of all, is simply 'playing dumb' and going with the flow even though you didn't hear, don't know what was said, but just fake it.  The frustration of it all leads one to avoid the 'pain' and just withdraw.

Someone calls.  The phone Bluetooths to my hearing aids.  I can hear well.  Same thing with the headphones.  Really good hearing during phone calls.  Is that the future?  That in order to connect well with anyone I'm going to need to rely more and more on such devices.  Don't talk to me directly, call or text. . .

I'd like to be able to say hearing aids are the solution to everything.  Hearing aids are an exercise in the fine art of compromise.  Boost the base, or treble, depending on the environment.  Increase volume.  Decrease volume.  What do you want to hear?  How much background noise is tolerable in exchange for hearing everything.  The beauty of my new aids is I can do that.  But it is a matter of compromise.  Noise filtering.  OR voice clarity.  Not both.  Voice clarity means upping the treble to pick out the consonants.  The result is also that you hear an incredible amount of background noise. 

I wish Bose would combine their technology with hearing aids.  High fidelity aids.  Noise cancellation hearing aids.  I'd pay for them. 

The hardest thing about hearing loss is the ability to communicate and engage with others.  So much is lost, even with the best of hearing aids.  Now don't get me wrong, without the hearing aids there is nothing.  Thank God for them. 

I remember my grandfather sitting in front of the tv watching Bonanza with his device that played the tv audio through his hearing aids.  Such devices block everyone else out. 

I feel for Karla.  Hearing loss affects us both.  When I escape into my audio heaven to avoid my auditory hell, she is the casualty.  The good news is that I heard her speaking in the kitchen yesterday, while I was in the living room.  The new hearing aids are helping.

We can expect to live longer.  Unfortunately, living longer often means dealing with issues such as hearing loss.  The bottom line is that they could repair the mitral valve in my heart.  No such surgery to restore hearing loss. 

I wish there was a solution to hearing loss that was not just amplification.  The problem I see with amplification is that the cause of the hearing loss is also the solution, and the solution is the cause.  If you put my hearing aids on you would be overwhelmed with the volume.  And I wonder how much the volume of hearing aids exacerbates the hearing loss, even further.

Loneliness and old age.  The consequence of hearing loss.  I remember the struggles with my father who could not communicate effectively, even with his hearing aids.  He had an interesting solution.  He would have a favorite subject in hand to converse about when we called, so that he could carry on a conversation without having to hear the one he was conversing with.  So when I would call he would go on and on about the book he was reading.  This he could do, even though he couldn't hear me.

This is a depressing post. I find myself caught between heaven and hell, hearing and isolation.  But there is hope.  I can put on my Bose headphones and listen to Andres Segovia play classical guitar and hear his fingers sliding up and down the fretboard.  If Bose can produce such a quality of sound for me, then one day that high fidelity sound will be available in hearing aids.  One day.

Here's where my bipolar tendency to want to change the world kicks in.  Right now I'm thinking about how I might contact the research and development departments of Bose and Resound and get them to work together on my new Bose hearing aids.  One day. . .

Accepting Limitations II

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"

Those were the words of my psychologist a few years back.  I wanted to revisit this subject today.

"What's the first thing you say, Dave?"  I didn't know how to respond.  What kind of question is that, anyway? 

"Let me help you out here.  The first thing you say is your conclusion.  You mull things over in your head until you've come to a conclusion and then, and only then, do you talk with others about an issue."  That's my mode of operation.  It's part of the fabric of my psychi. 

My wife, Karla, has a different approach.  She tends to speak about issues long before reaching a conclusion, and in conversation with others gradually come to a conclusion. 

The psychologist went on to say, as an example, that if Karla were to say "Maybe we should get divorced," what that indicates is that there is something to address in our marriage that she's unhappy with and she wants to talk about it.  He observed that if I were to say "Maybe we should get a divorce," the bags would already be packed and the lawyers retained.

As I've considered this way I work, reaching a conclusion first and then approaching the subject with others, I find myself wondering what's behind that.

A friend responded to last Sunday's post by saying how true that was with her husband as well, and wondering if it was a real tendency for introverted people in  general. 

That may be part of it.  Introverts gain their strength from within and on that basis relate to the outside world.  Extroverts are the opposite.  They gain their strength through interaction with others and on that basis are at peace within themselves.  Introverts become exhausted when dealing at length with personal interaction.  Extroverts get all charged up by the interaction.  Introverts withdraw to regain their strength and perspective.  Extroverts reach out to do the same.

That undoubtedly plays into decision making processes.  Introverts draw upon their inner strength to make decisions.  Extroverts engage others more readily in the process.

As an introvert, I can engage others in a decision making process.  It is overwhelmingly exhausting to do so, however.  It's just a lot of work.  An incredible amount of work. 

There's something else.  When a person observes my type of decision making, one might conclude that there is a lot of ego in it, relying entirely on one own perspective, not taking other people into consideration, etc.  As my wife observed, "when we got married we signed up for a partnership!"

I believe its quite the opposite.  I believe extroverts have a greater sense of self confidence and are more capable of negotiating the waters of group decision making than introverts are.  If an open ended question is on the floor and a discussion is underway, my tendency in such situations is acquiescence.  I avoid conflict.  This means that if I tried to function in the manner my wife does, I would almost always defer to the other's point of view, and then stew about it. 

It is a need for self confidence that leads an introvert to do their homework, thoroughly understand their own position, and only from that point enter into conversation.  I can only 'stand my ground' if I am thoroughly convinced of my own conclusion prior to engaging others.  Self confidence comes from within for an introvert. 

It's hard to understand and relate to others with these differences.  When my wife says that she'd like to be more involved in decisions such as buying a new car, there's a voice that goes off in my head that says "I'll never have a say in the matter again."  When she suggests that because of my being bipolar we need to discuss things more, that voice says "I'm being treated like a child." 

The word that comes to me is emasculation.  But I use that in a different way, not a sexist way.  The introvert draws on their inner self for strength, and to insist that an introvert function differently, for example, relying on other's input to make decisions, is to remove the source of the introvert's strength and, yes, self. It's not a male/female thing.  It's an introvert/extrovert thing.  Extroverts function well engaging others in a decision making process.  Introverts don't.  That makes life difficult when introverts and extroverts must live together and make mutual decisions.

As for myself, when I have to engage others in decision making processes, I respond by trying to be so thoroughly prepared and grounded in my thoughts and convictions that I can draw on this to carry through on the conversation.  I have my conclusion in hand, for the most part. 

Recently there was a situation where someone, who I believe to be much more extroverted than I, insisted on having conversations regarding some decisions 'face to face'.  Without getting into the specifics, my reaction was that this was all about manipulation.  I fear and detest the feeling of being manipulated.  My point is that introverts will tend to withdraw to make decisions, extroverts will lay it on the line in interaction with others.  An introvert who is forced to engage others in the decision making process feels manipulated.  An extrovert feels excluded from an introvert's process of drawing from within.

I don't know the solution to this.  But understanding the difference is important.

Accepting Limitations

To say my wife is more fiscally conservative than I is so true as to be almost humorous.

To be cautious as one lives within the limits imposed by the symptoms of being bipolar and the necessity of reining in things such as spending sprees is appropriate. 

To combine those two is a pill hard to take at times, but perhaps good medicine.

And yet in the midst of all that there is the question of reasonable choices and living life.

And then there are basic personality issues that affect choices in living.  Sometimes it is not about the choices being made, but the manner in which those choices are made.

I could do better in taking my wife's concerns into consideration.  How much of that is my bipolar tendencies running running amok, and how much is basic issues of independence and stubbornness?  That's a good question.

A couple of background issues to consider are:
1.  One of the defining symptoms of mania is the "excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g. engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)."  DSM 5
2.  One of my psychologists correctly observed, years ago, that my mode of operations is to mull issues over in my head until I reach a conclusion, and then, and only then, to broach the subject with others. 

This latter issue has been a struggle in our marriage from time to time.  My wife is the opposite in that she is inclined to think out loud, and to converse about things prior to any conviction or conclusion being made.  Imagine that.  And so more often than I care to admit a subject has come up between us wherein I've long since arrived at my conclusion and been in the position of needing then to convince my wife.  I readily admit this does not make for the most mutual of marriage decision making processes, but it is the reality we have lived with.  She's left wanting to be part of the decision making process, I'm left irritated because she's generally not the "mull it over" type anyway. 

Now when you add to that the above symptom of being bipolar there is added weight to the issue.

My wife pointed out a few examples of where I could do better:  my latest decisions regarding purchasing a car, noise canceling headphones, and hearing aids.  Now this is the way those matters came down.

The car.  Over the course of a couple of years as I commuted to work, I was getting more and more frustrated with the cost of the commute, spending over $100 a week on gas alone.  I determined in my own mind that purchasing a more efficient car would alleviate this.  I started researching options.  A visit to the Toyota dealership resulted in my finding a Hybrid Camry, at the right price.  The savings on gas would more than make up for the car payments, in fact I'd be quite ahead of the curve.   Long and short of it, it made sense financially.  I consulted with my wife, via a phone call from the dealership!!!  Somehow she didn't feel this was adequate.  She has a point.

More recently I chose to purchase noise cancelling headphones.  Again, as I dealt with the noise in my shop and the cabinet shop at work, I mulled this over quite a bit.  As things go, this was not a great expense, a couple hundred dollars.  But again, talking it over might have been a good thing. . .

Regarding the hearing aids, we had talked about it quite a bit.  And then one morning my old hearing aids went belly up.  By the end of the day I had ordered the new aids.  This was a timing issue more than anything else.  We had previously decided that I would purchase them in a couple more weeks, when I had received my inheritance.  This one will work out fine as the money will be in hand to pay for them shortly. but again, consulting more would be good.

The decisions were not bad, as my wife said, but the manner of reaching those decisions could be improved.

As I mull this over again (I do that, see above) I find myself wondering if this whole scenario is a symptomatic of my disease, or simply the consequence of being an independent cuss.  Either way, I find myself locked into behavioral patterns and resentful at the thought of being curtailed in any way.  Accepting limitations and embracing caution is hard.

One of the things that has made this particularly difficult is that I am extraordinarily capable of making a damn good case for my point of view, even when it is the result of a manic episode.  Case in point, the development of the senior housing.  I not only convinced the congregation to move forward on it, I convinced the Mission Investment Fund of our church to make the largest loan they had ever made, as well as convincing Ecumen to develop and manage the facility. 

Even when in a full blown manic episode my ideas have had some merit.  As my wife observed regarding the above three matters, it's not that a more efficient car, or noise cancelling headphones, or better hearing aids are bad ideas.  But somehow I need to get a handle on making decisions in a more mutually satisfying manner that takes into consideration my wife's concerns as well as the realities of my diagnosis. 

I understand this.  I really do.  But in the moment I also deeply resent the feeling of being supervised, like I was a small child incapable of making reasonable decisions and choices.  Adding to that is a lifetime of tendencies.  For example, with the exception of when our car had been totalled in an accident (twice this happened) the decision to buy or not buy a car has been largely left up to me, with my wife's consent in the end.  She has never initiated such a decision.  This fits the same pattern that typified her parent's marriage, so it has a bit of history behind it. 

I will try to do better, but it will not be easy.  But who said life is easy, particularly when dealing with fundamental issues of differing personalities and a mental health diagnosis.

Breaking addictions

I wrote recently how wonderful it was to be able to sleep through the night again.  That development came as I was using the patch in my effort to quit smoking. 

Now I'm weaning myself from the patch, have moved through step 2 and started step 3 yesterday.  Step 1 provides 21 mg of nicotine a day, 2 provides 14, and 3 provides 7.  Next week it'll be 0.

And so I'm up, this morning at 1:30 am.  It's no doubt that my addiction is responsible, at least in part, for my inability to sleep through the night.  It's a powerful force.  Bear in mind that I'm on a couple of medications that would knock out a normal person.  I should be sleeping.  But I'm not.

To understand addiction, and why it's so hard to quit, just understand this:  that withdrawal has such negative consequences that the addicted person will choose to resume their use, just to avoid the withdrawal.  That's why people continue drinking.  Or using.  Or smoking.  Or eating to excess.  Etc.

What I discovered when I went through chemical dependency treatment is that one just needs to buckle down, bear the pain, and wait patiently for it to subside.  Easier said than done.

What I'm most concerned about is losing hope.  "It's just not worth the effort, and I don't like who I am in withdrawal, and there will be a better time to do this down the road."  These are the statements that have kept me smoking for all these years. 

The point is, often in life when one is trying to make positive changes, it gets worse before it gets better.  Accepting that is necessary for success.

Living into Tomorrow

One of the defining characteristics of manic phases is the tendency to conceive of and carry out grandiose plans and schemes for tomorrow.  I miss this now that I'm being treated.  I really do. 

Nothing seemed impossible.  I pursued with reckless abandon plans to make the world a better place.  Some good came out of it.  Luther Park, the assisted living that I conceived of and was able to develop, is a good thing.  Hundreds of elderly are being cared for in their final years.  Now if mania only produced such results we'd likely not treat it.  Alas, not all plans and schemes work out so well.

But that's the past.  My visions have subsided a bit these days, thanks to treatment.  And I'm not totally pleased with that.  Part of this may also simply be a consequence of aging.  I'm aware that I'm entering the final years of my working career and my agenda for great accomplishments has diminished with age.  More and more it is about being content with what I've already done.

But tomorrow is still out there.  It's just that the nature of my plans has changed.

One major effort on my part has been to quit smoking.  I've shared that with you.  I'm happy to report that it has been nearly two weeks since I've had a cigarette.  I'm delighted with that but there remain some significant hurdles yet to face.

In order to get this far, I have used 'nicotine replacement therapy', that is the patch.  I'm now weaning myself of that, and will be one it for only two more weeks.  That's the plan. 

The most difficult thing has been not smoking during the breaks at work.  The way I was able to beat that was by vaping, or Juuling, the latest in vapor.  For those who do not know, vaping is another nicotine delivery system.  Nicotine is mixed in a 'juice', and then a electronic charge converts it to water vapor which you inhale like smoking.  The advantage is that though you are still puffing on something, there is no smoke, no tar or carbon monoxide.  Nicotine itself, though highly addictive, is not particularly harmful.  And so many consider this a "safe" alternative.

I'm not thrilled that it took this to stop smoking cigarettes.  But if in the end I succeed it will have been worth it.  My goals are to first, wean myself off the patch, and then to reduce the amount I'm vaping.  One of the things that has guided me is to ask, "if I got stuck here could I live with it?"  Well, inhaling water vapor is better than smoke, so I think so.  But my goal remains that eventually my tomorrow will not involve any of this. 

Part of the issue here is that bipolar people are prone to addictions of a variety of sizes and shapes.  For me, overcoming them remains one of the final elements in my treatment for bipolar.  Here's to tomorrow.

Another decision I made this last week was to address one of the most difficult issues at work.  Woodworking shops are filled with a deafening din of noise.  It causes lasting damage to one's hearing and is just plain uncomfortable and unpleasant. 

I splurged on new Bose QuietComfort noise cancelling headphones.  By emitting the opposite sound to that in the environment, the noise is cancelled out.  Peace and quiet.  I can listen to music at a reasonable volume.  No need to drown out the surrounding noise.  Wow.  This is impressive.  I have to be careful to make sure I know whether the tool is on or off, as I can no longer hear it. 

The joy of music has re-entered my life.  As I write this morning I'm listening to Handel's Messiah, a great way to start a Sunday morning.  Using Spotify and my iPhone I have access to the world of music.  I look forward to spending my days with the Canadian Brass, Alison Kraus, Natalie MacMaster, and some old time favorites. 

Another fun thing is dreaming with my son about building a shop on their property.  Dreams are cheap.  We'll see if it materializes.  It's be great to actually have some room to work.

I guess the overall theme today is that tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as yesterday, and one can take small steps to improve one's life without having to hatch grandiose schemes to to change the world.  You know, that's a relief.  Feeling like the future of the world is on my shoulders is, well, an insane burden.  Much better to focus on small improvements that affect the quality of my life.