In my psychiatrist's office there is a sign which says "Dream Big, Act Bigger". We laughed about it as I commented that such advice is not appropriate for a manic person. One of the most irritating aspects of being bipolar is the lack of confidence one can have in one's own sense of judgment about major life decisions. It's just so easy to get caught by manic thinking patterns and lose touch with a more reasoned take on life.
I'm tired. My job at the cabinet shop is wearing on me from two standpoints. Yes, on the one hand I'm able to help build some rather impressive kitchens in huge homes for famous people (Michael Jordan e.g.) But a lot of time I'm doing things like making the sticks that fill in the space between one cabinet and the other. I'm the "Filler King". It's hard to get passionate about such work.
And second, working ten hour days together with the commute just is grueling. I'd like to be able to sleep beyond 3 in the morning. (On a positive note, I'm actually sleeping better these days.) The reality is that working sixty hours a week between the cabinet shop and the church, plus commuting 12 hours a week, leaves little time for anything else. And I'm tired.
My mind just keeps going back to this dining set. It epitomizes the kind of work I have done and am capable of doing. I want to do that. I want to feel good about my vocation.
Together Karla and I are settling in with this decision to return to Olson's Woodworks. We will proceed cautiously. Having said that though, there will be a moment when we will need to simply be "all in" on the decision. I simply can't gradually take on more work in my own shop, while still working at the other. I don't have enough time in a week.
So the jump will happen. I will be taking some withdrawals from my pensions account, Karla will sign up for her Social Security, and that will provide a safety net for us. If the business thrives, no more pensions withdrawals will be necessary. If it doesn't, we'll have enough to survive.
What do I need? What purchases must I make to succeed? And are those purchases really necessary or the fodder of manic thinking? Having a truck for hauling materials would be handy. But damn, they are expensive. (My kids have offered use of theirs, so we'll probably hold off on this one.) There are a few woodworking tools that I need. A thickness planer. A chop saw. But any such considerations will always be weighed against my manic pursuit of the CNC last time.
Again, the lack of confidence in one's own judgment is one of the worst things about being bipolar. We will see how things play out.
On another matter, my health is gradually improving. Diagnosed over a month ago now with hypothyroidism I'm on the slow road to recovery. I takes months for the medication to build up in the system to therapeutic levels, but I've noticed some improvement. At the very least, I'm able to work a full week these days. Thank God for simple improvements like that.
My biggest question is how well will I feel with the new normal. I look at the energy level of other sixty year olds and I hope. "I'm far too young to feel so damn old." is my new mantra. I hope things will get much better.
