Mach es gut!

As I contemplate my vocation, I'm increasingly aware that I'm currently writing the final chapters of my life's work.  I'm already somewhat resigned to the fact that the most challenging and engaging chapters of my ministry are now behind me.  My serving at the little Peace Lutheran in Otis Orchards may still give isolated opportunities for very important ministry, but those opportunities are limited greatly by the size.  I'm at peace/Peace with that.  (pun intended)

My current struggles involve my work as a cabinet maker.  I made a choice a few years back to cease operating my own business in favor of working in a cabinet shop.  At issue was a dependable weekly  source of income.  What I gave up was the craftsmanship associated with building fine pieces of furniture.  My primary responsibilities at the cabinet shop involve making the miscellaneous pieces that join the cabinets together, as well as other things such as closet shelving, etc.

What I'm struggling with is concluding my life's work with the achievement of having become very good at making closet shelves. . .  "Tables, chairs, and oaken chests would have suited (David) best".

One of the things that has changed since my last attempt at a business is that I'm now to the point that I can begin taking some withdrawals from my pensions, if needed.  That, together with Karla taking her social security early would pay our basic living expenses and the income from my business would be extra.  Well, actually, sufficient income from the business would make it unnecessary to take withdrawals from pensions.

I'm also concerned about my health.  Recent thyroid problems have accentuated the fact that my work load is taking a toll.  Getting up at 3 am, leaving the house at 4:45, returning at 5 pm, eating and going to bed at 7 pm is just a grind.

Another issue is my marriage.  We joke about how I go to bed and Karla goes visiting.  It's either that  or she spends every evening alone.  Every evening.  We have dinner together.  But there is precious little time together beyond that.  

Mach es gut!  Make it good!

The bottom line is that health issues have made it clear to me that I'm nearing the end of my career.  A few more years left.  The choices I make now will write the final chapter in my working career.  And the more I contemplate that simple fact, the clearer that I am that making closet shelves is simply not the last thing I want to do with my life.  

Mach es gut.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  Mach es gut.

Good News/Bad News

I think the nurse was caught off guard.  "Oh, my," she said, "your thyroid levels are all out of whack!"  "Thank God." I responded. 

Thank God because I wanted to find a solution to the problems I was experiencing.  Thank God because hypothyroidism is an easily treatable condition, requiring simply a medication, and a cheap medication at that. 

The bad news???  Well, it takes six to twelve weeks for the medication to build up in your body to a full therapeutic level.  Meaning that I simply will not know for another three months how many of the health issues I've been experiencing are directly related to the thyroid and how many are independent issues that also must be looked into.

But for now I'm just relieved that at least some of the issues will be resolved.

Faith and the Future

My current health situation remains a mystery.  I am still waiting for the results of a battery of tests.  Apparently the doctor is in no particular hurry, which indicates to me that nothing gravely serious immediately popped out. 

I feel very fatigued.  My  muscles hurt.  My joints ache.  I've experienced blood pressure as high as 190/128.  And a reduced stamina from all of that makes work difficult, not to mention unsafe.

I remember the advice I once gave to a parishioner undergoing testing.  "We always fear the worst, but it seldom is that bad."  That parishioner died about two months later from a glioblastoma.  OK, well, sometimes it is the worst.

As one with a history of drinking and smoking the fear that creeps in is related to the liver and lungs.  As a precaution chest X-rays were taken.  Based on my symptoms, this is not likely the root of my problems.  But fears remain.

I have a very selfish wish.  I hope that if something is wrong, whatever it is, it not be related to drinking and smoking.  I just don't want to have to deal with people that have the attitude 'you got what you deserved'.  It may be true, but throwing that back in my face doesn't help. 

I have a family history of hypothyroidism and there is a lot of correlation between the symptoms I'm experiencing and those associated with hypothyroidism.  A simple test.  Don't know the outcome yet.  Many of those same symptoms can be side effects of some of the medications I am taking. 

It also occurs to me that fatigue could be the primary problem.  I get up between two and three thirty every morning, leave for work by 4:45, work 10-12 hours, return home for dinner and bed.  Then repeat the cycle.  Even without anything wrong that schedule alone is wearing on me and may account for what I'm feeling. 

Faith.

I think that one of the things I've learned throughout my struggles these last few years is that there is always hope.  And that one has the choice whether to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, or to be sustained by faith and surrounded with peace.  Part of this is the degree to which one feels the compulsion to be in control.  The higher one's need for control, the more significant the anxiety and fear. 

When I went into chemical dependency treatment numerous years ago, there was a point of surrender.  What was unexpected was the peace that came washing over me like a giant breaker at the seashore.  The future was in God's hands, and that was sufficient.

Part of me feels that way now.  We've been wrestling with my vocational direction, and whether semi-retirement is a viable option for me, cutting back a bit.  There is fear and anxiety that comes into play with neither one of us wanting to make the wrong decision.  But there is also a sense of peace that is knocking at the door.  Whether there is something seriously wrong with me, or I am just exhausted and experiencing chronic fatigue, it may be that my body is making the decision for us.  It could be that the question of cutting back is no longer an 'if', but a 'when' and a 'how'. 

Faith.

"Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight."  (Jesus Christ Superstar)

Que, sera, sera.

The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone.

All things are interrelated.  Many connections we just don't understand.  Doing one thing affects another.

I have been having tests done as I'm not feeling well.  ECG.  Chest X-Ray.  Full blood work.  All that stuff.  And on it goes.  "We'll get to the bottom of this."  "Thanks, Doc."

Every joint hurts.  Every muscle aches, and is crampy.  I'm sometimes short of breath, which brings on a panic attack.  Exhaustion and fatigue are such that this last week I've not been able to finish my shift at work numerous times.  Blood pressure has been running as high as 190/130, and that while on my blood pressure meds.  Doubling the dose brought it down but only to about 150/100.  Still not good. I feel  old.

I have my suspicions what is going on.  My mother had zero thyroid function.  Three of my sisters and one brother have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  And last night I read that hypothyroidism is a potential side effect of Lamictal, the med I take for bipolar disorder.  Its also associated with being bipolar, though whether that's a direct correlation or the result of bipolar people being on either lamictal or lithium, both of which can cause hypothyroidism, is unknown.  At least that's what I read.

Taken together it makes me suspicious.  I've informed the Doctor.  He is testing for it.  One can only hope as the cure for that is quite easy in the long run.

All things are connected.

If this were true it would bring up another issue.  When identifying chemical dependency issues in my family of origin, Mom's drug use stands  out.  She would take her thyroid medication in the morning as a "pick me upper" and the take benadryl at night to relax and go to sleep.  All prescribed, mind you.  But nevertheless, dependent on drugs for mood and energy.

I don't like the extent to which I'm becoming that.  I think the tally is up to nine different meds and supplements on a daily basis.  Lamictal for bipolar.  Mirtazapine for depression.  Abilify to make both of those function better.  Rozerem for sleep.  Losartan for blood pressure.  Mobic for joint pain.  Gemfibrozil and fish oil for Cholesterol.  And a vitamin or two because the meds deplete certain vitamins in your body.

I can swallow quite a pile of drugs at one time.  There was a time when that would gag me.

But I'm extremely thankful for them.  I have no clue where I'd be without them.  Miserable or dead.

I hope it doesn't take too long for some positive results to come to the fore in the testing.  And of course, I hope it doesn't reveal something I truly don't want to know.  The lung X-ray, eg.  "In the name of due diligence we should do this. . ."  "Yes, I know, but let's hope my problem isn't lung cancer."  I actually have none of the most pronounced symptoms, but you never know.  But after smoking for as long as I did, I have to confess that every time the tests reveal I'm still cancer free I feel a bit like a kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got away with it.

Well, enough of the lament for this morning.  I'm noticing my knuckles are achy and the muscles in my cheeks are tense.  The list goes on and on.  And so I await a diagnosis.

Growing Older

Inside every older person is a young person wondering 'What the hell happened?'

I feel like that some days.  I have a lot of muscle and joint pain.  I'm not sure what's up, if anything.  That's the internal debate.  Am I just aging?  No, something is not right.  Are you sure?  Everybody has aches and pains.  And on and on the saga goes.

My legs.  I have deteriorating knees.  That I know and I've already had one surgery to cut out a significant portion of the meniscus in one knee.  Dr. says that I don't have significant arthritis in the knees, but, they are sore.  My hips haven't been feeling much better of late.  And then I have this muscle pain most pronounced down the back of my legs and calves.  Sciatica tends to be one side only.  This is both sides.  Feels like a constant low grade cramping.  When I stand up it feels as though I have to slowly stretch out the muscles again in order to stand without pain. 

So I wonder.  One of the things my mother suffered from was hypothyroidism.  And she had much of the same issues.  This is not as common among men but it leaves me wondering.  I also wonder about side effects of some of the  many medications I take.  Or is it just the consequence of putting in ten hour days on my feet on concrete floors?  Or maybe this is just what 62 feels like.

I will probably go to the doctor.  I am skeptical about the outcome. 

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I continue to explore the possibility of going back into business.  Olsons WoodWorks.  I enjoyed being in business and have significant investments in tools, etc.  The challenge is to make a living at it. 

One of the things that is frustrating is the difference a screw makes.  Yes, one measly screw.  If I build a cabinet that is screwed into a house, it qualifies for financing and people are OK with the expense.  If I build furniture it is a cash basis, because there is no screw attaching it to a house.  That same screw also results in the necessity of a contractor's license.  Part of the frustration is that I love making dining room furniture.  Contrast the difference between a table and chairs for a dining room, versus the kitchen cabinets.  I can get a lot more money for the cabinets.  The dining set, however, is more work and finer details.  Bottom line, I'll have to do cabinets as well as furniture to make ends meat. 

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And retirement.  Part of the consideration about going back into business is that I now have the option of supplementing my income with my pensions.  I found out this last week that Portico Benefits doesn't deal well with the concept of semi-retirement.  I'd like to draw on my pensions, but am still employed by a congregation part-time and they pay for my benefits, including health insurance.  The tricky issue is that health insurance is not normally included for retirees because it is assumed that you will be on medicare.  "Retired but without medicare" is a special underwriting category that is more expensive than anything else.  Argh!

The solution is to simply take withdrawals from my pensions without formally retiring.  Another advantage of that is that I only need take what is necessary. 

Complicating all this consideration is the caution regarding bipolar decision making.  My wife is doubly cautious as it has been known to happen in the past that I've made decisions fueled by my disease that weren't always in the best interest of our well  being.  Let it suffice to say caution is in order.