Responding. . .

So a loved one has a mental illness diagnosis.  How do you respond?  What is helpful?  What response will be welcomed by those of us with a mental illness?

As one with a Bipolar II diagnosis, I wish I knew the answer to these questions.  Its not a simple matter.  At this moment, three things stand out.  Empathy, understanding, and perspective.

"I know how you are feeling."  Well, no, you probably don't.  But I'd sure like for you to try.  Empathy is the ability to understand and appreciate the feelings of another.  This is possible because we are not unique.  We have much in common.  No, in all likelihood you are not Bipolar, nor have you had those experiences and feelings.  That said, even 'normal' people experience the ups and downs of life, We've all experience times of feeling depressed, or experiencing an emotional high.  Its just that with someone who is Bipolar, those cycles are much more pronounced, uncontrollable, and frightening.  Imagine, for example, what it is like to be feeling quite normal, life is good, everything is manageable, and then to be thrown off a cliff.  All it takes is a few words, a bad experience, or nothing at all, and then over the cliff and into the abyss I go.  The frightening thing, is I never know where the bottom is.  Or imagine living each day, knowing that as evening approaches, depression will roll in like the San Francisco fog.  Or imagine what it feels like to believe that life is full of opportunities, everything is achievable, and great things are possible.  There is something exhilarating about being on the top of the mountain.  Can you imagine that?  And then imagine being locked on a roller coaster, and being subject to these ups and downs, uncontrollably, and you can't get off.  If you're normal, you won't experience to totality of life the way one who is Bipolar experiences it, and yet you do experience, at some level, the individual pieces of that.  Draw from that experience and seek on that basis to empathize with what we are experiencing.

Understanding.  It is helpful for those who deal with someone who is Bipolar to make the effort to understand the condition.  For example, the mood swings are both physiological and psychological in nature, or so my counselor says.  And the two are interrelated.  Sometimes I feel the way I feel because, and only because, of the particularities of my brain chemistry on that day.  "Is something wrong?"  Well, yes, and no.  Yes, I'm feeling deeply depressed today, but no, nothing has happened out of the ordinary.  I just feel depressed.  Another day it is quite possible that an event, a comment, a personal interaction, a positive or negative development, has resulted in the mood shift.  Understanding.  I don't feel the way I feel because of what I've done.  I do what I do because of the way I feel.  Understanding.

And then there is a wonderful gift that you can offer to someone who is Bipolar, especially during the manic phases of the disease, and that is perspective.  And yet tread lightly here, it is extremely angering to be dismissed categorically, because "its the mania talking."  Having said that though, it is often helpful to have the perspective of a normal person guiding me.  The more I understand the peculiarities of this disease, the less confidence I have in my own judgement.  "I used to really enjoy fishing.  Maybe I'd feel better if I started fishing again.  Yes, that is it.  Now I'm excited.  I think that to make the most of it, I'll buy a new fishing boat.  Yes, it's more than we can afford, but I'll make it work.  It'll be money well spent, if it makes me feel better, and I know it will, because the thought of it already is making me excited!"  At this point, perspective is indeed helpful.  It's not that a new boat is necessarily a bad thing.  But it would be a better thing if the decision is made based on something a little more grounded than the mood we are experiencing.

But tread lightly here.  The last thing I want to be told is that I'll never be able to buy a boat.  I don't want every 'great idea' I have vetoed because I'm Bipolar.  The gift of perspective though, is to offer assistance making a few judgments.  Is this a reasonable choice given the realities of our life?  Or is this just a mood driven desire?  Perspective is to assist one to make life choices with one's feet firmly grounded in reality, not mood.  This is a gift that can be given.

Savior's a Nuisance. . .

A savior's a nuisance to live with at home,

Stars often fall, heros go unsung,

And martyrs most certainly die too young.

(Joan Baez, "Winds of the Old Days")

What's the narrative of your life?  This was the question my counselor asked yesterday.  What's the narrative?  How do you make sense of it all?  What's the story line.  I recoiled at the question.

"That somehow, through all the suffering, through all the ups and downs, there might be some redemptive value to it all."  "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others."  (AA promises)  Wounded healer.  That others might somehow be helped by my sharing my story.

There is a significant burden to the compulsion to be a 'savior'.  And the quest for meaning and purpose in a life riddled with ups and downs is illusive.  "At least there was a redemptive purpose to Jesus suffering."  Its the search for a redemptive purpose that drives the hypo-manic phases of my life.  In spite of the "nuisance", there is this desire deep within me to change the world.  Perhaps it is born out of a sense of helplessness to change myself.  At least if some good comes out of it, then I can live with it.  A star is born, headlining my own drama.  A hero arises out of life's long suffering battles.  

But stars often fall, heros go unsung.  During times of depression I find myself overwhelmed by the meaninglessness of it all.  There is no purpose.  A life wasted.  It didn't have to be like this.  "Would it spoil some vast eternal plan, if I were a wealthy healthy man!"

Ah, but contentment takes the edge off of creativity.  "Were it not for depression we would never have had a Hemingway.  Of course, were it not for depression we might have had Hemingway a bit longer."  (comments of a colleague)  Perhaps its that tension between being a savior and meaningless suffering that is the catalyst for movement and purpose.  That I suppose is the narrative of my life.