Resilience

"Well, Dave, you certainly get the "land on your feet" award for the year!"

These were the words of my colleague back in '99 when having been just terminated from a call in SE Montana, I received a call to serve in Sandpoint, ID.  It could have been so much worse.  And over the next 13 years I was to experience what will likely be the highlight of my career in the ministry, though I hesitate to say that because who knows what is yet to come.

More recently, my bishop said "I continue to be amazed at your resilience."  I like that word, resilience.  Life presents no small amount of challenges.  In the midst of those challenges we are invited to live by faith, believing that God will deliver us.  We will not be spared difficult times-- into every life there will come challenges, many of which might defeat us, if we let them.  What God promises, though, is to deliver us, not spare us.  Resilience is a gift of the Spirit I believe.  And it is  rooted in the promises of God.

When the prophets speak about the remnant that shall return, they speak about the resilience of God's people.  That though the nation was destroyed, nevertheless, God will preserve a remnant, and from that remnant a renewed and restored nation will arise.  A shoot shall come out from the stump of Jesse.  Resilience.

I mentioned in my last post that the congregation where I've been serving as a supply pastor was voting on offering me the position of interim/transitional minister.  Yet to be determined is whether the position will be an interim, or transitional ministry, the difference being that a transitional pastor may in time be offered a regular call to serve the congregation.  But that's a question for tomorrow.  

What I am well aware of today is that it's been nearly four years since my health required that I leave the ministry, and now today, I have been asked once again to serve under call.  There have been times in the last four years that I thought this day would never come.  I imagined that my being bipolar would make it all but impossible to serve again.  But today, the people of Peace Lutheran will call me "Pastor Dave".  Bouncing back, resilience, a spiritual gift.

I have been amazed at how this has happened.  Sometimes, God's timing is impeccable.  When I was being terminated from my call in eastern Montana, back in 1999, there were two council meetings that were pivotal.  At the first, a report was received from the Synod that stated that I should not be terminated.  The next night, the council rejected that report, and voted to move forward with the termination process.  In between those two meetings, I received a phone call, out of the blue, from a woman in Sandpoint asking if she could nominate me to be their next pastor.  I subsequently received that call.  

Over the last few years, we have been deeply dependent on my wife's job, and those benefits.  Currently, there is a change of leadership at her place of employment, and with that changing of the guard there are new expectations and there is significant uncertainty how she will fit into the new leadership team.  The security blanket which has sustained us throughout these last four years is now in question.  The only thing that is certain is that things are changing.

What amazes me is that even before those matters are resolved plan "B" (or is it plan C, D, or E) is in place.  I have been asked to serve Peace Lutheran on a half time basis, and my employer at the cabinet shop has consented to the change of schedule necessary so that I might work there as well, with the net result that my income will now be sufficient to maintain our household.  Resilience.

Again, I am convinced that resilience is not a personal ability, but a gift of the Spirit.  It is by the grace of God that we are able to come out on the other side of life's challenges, living to see another day.  And as the old adage says, "if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger."

Having said that, there is one thing I would like to say to God.  I think I'm strong enough, now.  Let's take a break from all the adversity for a while and settle into a stable new "normal".  It would be appreciated.

"And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."

Resilience.

Sufficiency, Stability, and the Grace of God

There is a fear that has accompanied the experiences of the last few years.  We have experienced on challenge after another.  None of them have proven to be insurmountable.  We gotten through them.  For example, on numerous occasions I've been overwhelmed with the implications of my income taking one hit after another.  Financial ruin has seemed to loom on the horizon.  But those fears never materialized.  However, even as I have experienced this good fortune, I've continued to fear that sooner or later the other shoe will drop.

Yet, to date, our experience has been that with each challenge there have been the resources to deal with that.  Case in point, earlier this year I had to have a hernia repair.  Surgery is a major expense even with insurance.  And yet, we were able to pay cash for the deductible and co-pay.  And now, it seems as though the other shoe has dropped.  My wife requires surgery and it is scheduled for  tomorrow.  Yet once again, we have the resources to pay cash for the deductible and co-pay.  Two surgeries in one year.  Fears abound and yet are unfounded.

Sufficiency is what I'm learning.  I may not always have what I want, but what I have will be sufficient.  

And then, there is stability.  The meds seem to be working.  Life happens.  Sometimes shit happens.  But those things that at one point would have thrown me into mania or depression are not having that effect now.  One response to that is to wonder why I'm not more excited or depressed about life events.  For better or worse, what I've been accustomed to is fairly major responses to this experiences.  That's the nature of being bipolar.  Mood swings exceed the normal.  And yet, I'm getting used to a new normal.  And that takes some getting used to.  

Through it all, with every passing day, I am becoming more and more aware of the Grace of God.  Not only that, but learning anew the art of living one day at a time.  You see, by God's grace I have come to believe that I will have enough to meet the needs of today.  I may not have enough to 'guarantee' that tomorrow's needs will be met.  But for today, we're good.

My wife asked a couple days ago a question about this.  Namely, "Why us?"  There have been many people who have experienced financial hardships that have resulted in their losing their home.  Does it make sense to talk about the grace of God allowing us to keep ours, while others lose theirs?  Well, the truth is that losing our home may be another issue that we have to face sometime in the future.  I don't know.  There are no guarantees.

What I do believe is that if we are not able to keep this home, if we have to sell, we will still have enough.  I don't fear ending up living in the WalMart parking lot.  

And  yet there is another dimension.  That whether we have much, or little, what we have is and always will be, a gift from God.  And I guess that is what I've learned through all of this.

And one final word.  Today the congregation I serve will be voting to extend an offer to me to serve as their pastor.  What the future is in all this, I do not know.  But for today, it seems right.

And today is all we've got.