One of the defining characteristics of manic phases is the tendency to conceive of and carry out grandiose plans and schemes for tomorrow. I miss this now that I'm being treated. I really do.
Nothing seemed impossible. I pursued with reckless abandon plans to make the world a better place. Some good came out of it. Luther Park, the assisted living that I conceived of and was able to develop, is a good thing. Hundreds of elderly are being cared for in their final years. Now if mania only produced such results we'd likely not treat it. Alas, not all plans and schemes work out so well.
But that's the past. My visions have subsided a bit these days, thanks to treatment. And I'm not totally pleased with that. Part of this may also simply be a consequence of aging. I'm aware that I'm entering the final years of my working career and my agenda for great accomplishments has diminished with age. More and more it is about being content with what I've already done.
But tomorrow is still out there. It's just that the nature of my plans has changed.
One major effort on my part has been to quit smoking. I've shared that with you. I'm happy to report that it has been nearly two weeks since I've had a cigarette. I'm delighted with that but there remain some significant hurdles yet to face.
In order to get this far, I have used 'nicotine replacement therapy', that is the patch. I'm now weaning myself of that, and will be one it for only two more weeks. That's the plan.
The most difficult thing has been not smoking during the breaks at work. The way I was able to beat that was by vaping, or Juuling, the latest in vapor. For those who do not know, vaping is another nicotine delivery system. Nicotine is mixed in a 'juice', and then a electronic charge converts it to water vapor which you inhale like smoking. The advantage is that though you are still puffing on something, there is no smoke, no tar or carbon monoxide. Nicotine itself, though highly addictive, is not particularly harmful. And so many consider this a "safe" alternative.
I'm not thrilled that it took this to stop smoking cigarettes. But if in the end I succeed it will have been worth it. My goals are to first, wean myself off the patch, and then to reduce the amount I'm vaping. One of the things that has guided me is to ask, "if I got stuck here could I live with it?" Well, inhaling water vapor is better than smoke, so I think so. But my goal remains that eventually my tomorrow will not involve any of this.
Part of the issue here is that bipolar people are prone to addictions of a variety of sizes and shapes. For me, overcoming them remains one of the final elements in my treatment for bipolar. Here's to tomorrow.
Another decision I made this last week was to address one of the most difficult issues at work. Woodworking shops are filled with a deafening din of noise. It causes lasting damage to one's hearing and is just plain uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I splurged on new Bose QuietComfort noise cancelling headphones. By emitting the opposite sound to that in the environment, the noise is cancelled out. Peace and quiet. I can listen to music at a reasonable volume. No need to drown out the surrounding noise. Wow. This is impressive. I have to be careful to make sure I know whether the tool is on or off, as I can no longer hear it.
The joy of music has re-entered my life. As I write this morning I'm listening to Handel's Messiah, a great way to start a Sunday morning. Using Spotify and my iPhone I have access to the world of music. I look forward to spending my days with the Canadian Brass, Alison Kraus, Natalie MacMaster, and some old time favorites.
Another fun thing is dreaming with my son about building a shop on their property. Dreams are cheap. We'll see if it materializes. It's be great to actually have some room to work.
I guess the overall theme today is that tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as yesterday, and one can take small steps to improve one's life without having to hatch grandiose schemes to to change the world. You know, that's a relief. Feeling like the future of the world is on my shoulders is, well, an insane burden. Much better to focus on small improvements that affect the quality of my life.
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