Hope and a Spring in One's Step

Wait, something's different.

I pause a moment and realize that its a simple thing.  There is a spring in my step.  Perhaps, even, the slightest hint of a dance.

The last time I had this feeling was three years ago.  That was when I decided to resign my call to the congregation I served, and re-establish my wood working business.  I was released from the heavy burden that ministry had become, and was embracing all of the opportunities that the future promised.  I recognize now that I also was in the midst of a  manic episode.

Since then my mood has stabilized.  Somewhat.  But first there were significant periods of dealing with very deep depression.  Then the diagnosis.  And the medications.  What happened was that the extremes were moderated and the new norm became a low level depression.  One of things that people such as my pastor noted was that I tended to not smile much, and often answered the question "How are you doing?" with "Just so so-- I have my good days and bad days."  The new reality was that I had stabilized, but at a low level depression.  If you made up a scale to measure mood with zero being the normal baseline, positive 10 being a full blown mania, and negative 10 being the worst possible depression, my baseline was about a negative 3.  I was managing, but it certainly wasn't great.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been exploring a new employment opportunity.  I am excited.  I can't believe that I can say that.  And yes, I experience a spring in my step.  Hope abounds.  What I am most hopeful for is that with a better, more enjoyable and rewarding job, my baseline may raise.  I am hopeful that my days will begin with an enthusiasm about going to work.  I'm hopeful that this job will feel right.  That it won't feel like something I'm doing just to get by.  I don't like the feeling associated with my current job that this is not what I want to do, but it is what I can do, and I just have to try to make the most of it.

What I hope for is that I will be able to spend the rest of my career doing something that I'm proud of and can look back on and say, "Yes, that was good."

But, and there always seems to be a "but", I also find that my optimism is a guarded optimism.  What I hope and pray for is that the baseline will be raised, that I'll spend more of my time on the positive side of the mood spectrum, but without it progressing into a full blown mania.

A couple of side notes to conclude with:
I have been wishing that our Church, which believes that all Christians have a vocational calling, would provide help in discerning my own vocation.  My bishop responded by inviting me to participate in a vocational discernment workshop.  Ironically, I cannot make it because of the interview process I'm in and also my obligations at my current job.  Vocational obligations trump the opportunity to explore vocational goals. . .

And finally, in spite of myself, I have a lot to be grateful for.  Given all that we have been through, God has provided for us along the way.  It could have been much different.  Even as I've struggled with the ups and downs, I can honestly say that there is much in my life that is just plain good.