Faith

"God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves."

This is one of the promises articulated in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It captures the essence of faith.  "Confidence" is the belief that we can do it.  "Faith" is the belief that God has and God will do it.  The invitation that we have received is to live by faith, not confidence.  Big difference.

In a few hours I will have another faith exercise.  I'm having surgery to repair a hernia.  To have surgery is to relinquish all control over one's life, and to place one's trust in the medical team to do what they do.  A hernia repair is minor, compared to the open heart surgery I had back in 2003.  But still there will be that moment when the anesthesiologist gives you a "little something to help you relax".  (That's my favorite quote from the time when I had open heart surgery.  What an understatement.  "Help you relax", hardly captures going out like a light.)  That moment when we watch the injection is a moment of faith.  Its relinquishing control.  Its trusting that others will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

I had my interview yesterday for a job here in Sandpoint.  As I wrote yesterday a major question was whether I should disclose that I have Bipolar Disorder.  I did.  The honesty was appreciated.  The rest of the interview went fine.  I felt good about it.  What will come of it, I don't know.  Now its simply out of my hands.  I have to trust that the decision they make will be the right decision, for them, as well as for me.  For me it goes beyond trusting the HR people to make the right decision.  For me it is also a matter of faith in God.  That God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

I don't like being out of control, but I'm getting better at accepting that as a reality of life.  I've even begun to let my wife drive more of the time.

One of the things I've learned as I adjusted to being bipolar is to recognize that I am not in control of the mood swings that I experience.  I don't fully understand what happens with the chemistry in my brain that cause these sometimes substantial swings.  I just know that they happen, not by choice, not by chance, but because of matters beyond my control.

Taking the medications as prescribed seems at times to be an effort to regain control.  But truth be told, that there are medications, that I've been prescribed medications, and that the medications have a certain effect are issues beyond my control.  Others are doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  Faith.

It seems to me that true "confession" is not the acknowledgement of our culpability as much as it is an acknowledgement of our vulnerability.  "I am in bondage to sin and cannot free myself."  Vulnerability.  God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves."  Faith.

Not knowing what the future holds, and knowing that much of what will be is beyond my control, I can only pray for faith.  I pray for faith, because to have faith, is yet another thing that we cannot do for ourselves, but is possible only because of what God has done for us.