Had a brief conversation last night with my wife about vocation and the lingering, persistent, even nagging sense of call I continue to experience. For all that has transpired throughout the last 3 1/2 years, it simply remains the case that I am happiest when I am preaching, teaching, and writing about matters of faith. You can take the pastor out of the congregation, but you can't take the preacher out of the pastor. I feel a need again to explore options with my bishop. Its a complex issue.
Do I let the diagnosis of bipolar disorder have the final word on my service as an ordained pastor, and will I conclude my ministry under the "disabled" status? Numerous thoughts come racing through my head in this regard.
The 80/20 rule of thumb.
80/20 is somewhat arbitrary here, but suffice it to say that for me, as with most bipolar people, I believe, the bulk of life is not lived at the extremes. Even untreated, perhaps 80% of the time my moods remain within the spectrum of "normal". (This is a simplification, but bear with me.) Everybody experiences 'ups and downs' in life, This is, of course, the case for one who is bipolar, except that the highs are higher, the lows lower. But most of the time, life is lived somewhere in the middle. I find myself wondering at what point these extremes are disabling, and at what point they are not.
One of the issues is that it is hard to make a case that I am disabled to the insurance carrier that manages the church's disability plan because they look at the 80%, and say, "nothing is wrong". On the other hand, when I consider returning to ministry I have to anticipate how a congregation would feel about a pastor whose moods are out of the ordinary 20% of the time. "Yes, he's depressed right now, but give him a week. . ." My skeptical side says that it is a rare congregation that would show that type of accommodation.
But what of the effect of medication? If the result of medication is that one's mood remains within the normal spectrum a greater percentage of time, then when is it sufficiently stabilized to allow a person to continue with life unimpeded by this disease? What if the 80/20 is actually 95/5 when on medication? Is that sufficient?
And what is the impact of knowledge? Does the fact that I now know that I'm bipolar, and experience manic and depressed moods, make a difference? I am less likely to act on manic impulses knowing them for what they are. I am less prone to be overwhelmed by depression, knowing that I will cycle out of it in time.
And what is the impact of being cared for by a medical team and knowledgeable family and friends? Having others aware of my condition who are in a position to help me recognize what's going on and to moderate behavior even when moods swing beyond the norm, helps.
Having said all that, there is the other possibility that returning to ministry might result in numerous 'triggers' being reactivated that would result in my 80/20 becoming a 60/40 or worse. That is possible, too.
What I am most uncomfortable with in this whole process is falling between the cracks. It is very possible that our disability plan will look at the "80%" and determine that I don't qualify for disability. But at the same time, the 'Church' may look at the 20% and determine that it is not advisable for me to resume any pastoral ministry. Too normal for disability benefits, too abnormal for consideration for call.
What I long for is clarity regarding this matter of the Call. If my condition truly prohibits me from returning to the vocation of ministry, then I wish God would remove from me this persistent wrestling with feeling called to ministry. But if that Call is genuine, then I wish God would open the doors to make it possible. What makes life difficult at the moment is the overwhelming feeling of this matter being unsettled, and the restlessness that results from that.
What I pray for is twofold: A clear sense of vocation, of what God is calling me to do with my life; and then, secondly, for the doors to open that will make that possible.
I am ordained but I haven't served as a minister for over 18 years because I was depressed. I was hospitalized twice for 10 days each because I was suicidal. I didn't work for a while but then I became involved in the mental health community and in the recovery movement. For 16 years, I've worked as a peer support specialists teaching others about the possibility of recovery and giving them hope. Most of this time I was always depressed and occasionally had thoughts of self-harm. I was over medicated on the wrong medication but I was able to work. Four years ago I had a hypo-manic episode and so the psychiatrist realized I was misdiagnosed and on the wrong medication. We have since found a good medication that keeps me pretty stable. I still have times when I'm depressed and have thoughts of self-harm but they do not interfere with my life or work.
ReplyDeleteWhat I primarily do now is talk about recovery because 70 - 90% of people who have a serious mental illness (like I do) will have a significant reduction in symptoms and some will recover completely.
Because of the stigma around mental health disorders, it is important for ministers to bravely disclose that they have one. 1 in 4 people in our congregations will have a mental health disorder each year. Half will have one sometime during their life and yet they each feel very alone. I'm now an elder at my church but I still preach occasionally. In May, during Mental Health Awareness Month, our church will have a Mental Health Sunday using material at the UCC website. I will be preaching and sharing my story of recovery.
Whatever you decide to do, please remember that you are a role model.
Thank you for your personal witness. I have thought on numerous occasions that if I could follow a path such as yours it might give my life the meaning and purpose I seek. Haven't been aware of any such opportunities in my community though.
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