Peace, like a River

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."

I'm thinking of this song, because a dear friend expressed again the concern that I will be at peace.  Those who know me best, know that in this area I can indeed profit from their prayers.  Peace has been illusive for me over my lifetime.

A restless sojourner on a quest.

That would be an apt description of who I have been, and who I am.  So much so that to contemplate that "peace" might replace this quest is quite uncomfortable.  When I hear the words 'may you find peace' there is a part of me that simply cannot understand them as anything other than becoming content with the status quo, both in my personal life and the life of the world around me.  Uh, need I say, that the status quo is not always what its cracked up to be.

There is a part of me that is an eternal optimist.  I realize that as one who periodically suffers from deep depression, this is a bit of a bizarre statement.  Yet it is true.  A core belief of mine is that God is continually at work, creating a future that is better than the past, and that we as his children are called to participate in this work.  This belief fuels the restlessness.  It's part of the journey.  Its realization is the quest.

It is also very typical of my mental state while in a manic phase.  I experience a very benevolent mania, most typified by wanting to make the world a better place.  "A better future starts with me" is a phrase that I embrace when in my manic state.  It is compelling.  A driving force that gives meaning and purpose to life.

Mood stabilizers have reined in that type of thinking.  My goals have  become much more modest.  Some would say "realistic".  I am not driven as much.  The restless sojourner on a quest has been replaced by one that is more content with sufficiency.  It is enough.  Is this "peace"?

There is a part of me that recoils against such a thought.  If such is peace, then I cannot be at peace with peacefulness.  The restless sojourner on a quest does not die easily.

I am more comfortable with the statement "It is well, it is well, with my soul."  Whether I'm "at peace" or in "turmoil", it is well, it is well, with my soul.  This I am learning to embrace.  It's not always easy.

Part of this is coming to know and accept myself for who I am.

A more important part of this is to believe that God knows me even more than I know myself, and accepts me as I am, more than I could ever hope to.

"It is well, it is well, with my soul" is more of a statement about God, than it is about me.
                                                            

Post Script:  I've shared about my struggles with insomnia.  Last night I went to bed around 9, and first woke up at about 11.  Then 12.  Then I rose at 1.  I will try to return to sleep, shortly.  But part of the problem is that I enjoy the peace and tranquility of the quiet night.  "Hello darkness my old friend,  I've come to talk with you again. . ."  Its as though I have exchanged a "peaceful night's rest" for a "restless night's peace".  But it is well, it is well, with my soul.