I think too much. That was one of the statements of my psychologist this last week. Part of that is related to insomnia. What else is there to do at this time of morning? So I analyze, and over analyze.
Lately, the issue of vocation has been weighing heavily on my mind. I never imagined leaving the ministry. My intent was to continue to serve in my congregation until I retired, and then, to serve as a retired pastor in some supportive role.
One of the things that I remember fondly about ministry was the passion which surrounded it. There were ample things to do that fully engaged me as a person. I never dreaded going to work. I worked more than I should because much of the time I was thoroughly committed to that which I was doing. One of the real privileges of serving as a pastor is that one's faith and daily activity merge into one.
I miss that.
Today, I'm not passionate about the work I am doing. "Drudgery" is a word I've thought about far too much. Its not that the work I do is bad, making cabinets is an honorable vocation. Doing it well, commendable. And there are genuinely good people that I work with.
What is lacking is any sense of a passionate commitment to what I am doing. Time is marked in tedious ways. The day's progress is measured not in accomplishment but in making it to the next break. Similarly, the week is marked by certain milestones. Monday is payday. At the end of Tuesday the week is half over. Wednesday we are 'over the hump'. And Thursday is our Friday - and the beginning of a three day weekend. Not a fulfilling way to live life.
And so I'm exploring options, and hoping to rediscover a passion in the work that I do.
And then I think too much.
Is the need to be passionately engaged in my work a natural desire that makes life meaningful, or part of the pathology of being bipolar? It was in response to my raising this question that my doctor suggested I was thinking too much.
The problem is that over the course of my life it was during manic phases that I was most passionately engaged in what I was doing. I was on a mission. And it went beyond a passionate engagement to a compulsive drive. In that state of mind I could not do anything else. Typical of those moments was not just a desire to respond to a present need, but to be a savior. Lofty goals were set. Liberate not just a woman from domestic violence, but provide a way out for all women. Support not just a single congregation in Russia, but be a driving force in the re-establishment of the entire Christian church in Russia. Renew not just my congregation's ministry, but transform the ELCA and reverse the trend of decline that the whole Church is experiencing.
Passion? Or pathology. A reasonable quest to find meaning and purpose in one's life, or the unfortunate symptoms of a disease that holds me captive?
One of the things that makes my current occupation seem "safe", is that I cannot imagine a circumstance arising that would trigger that manic compulsiveness that leaves me out of control. But must one abandon passion for safety? Give up on all meaning and purpose for the sake of stability?
I hope not.
In the mean time, I must say, that having a new grandchild is good medicine. Good medicine indeed.
I can't speak to the new grandchild thing yet, but I do have some thoughts on the rest of your post.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think your vocation is NOT cabinet maker. That is your occupation. Your vocation is husband, father, grandfather, uncle :), wage-earner, Christian. This is where God has placed you.
I'm not sure "passion" is a good thing to lust after in our occupations. I am mother, but that does not mean I am passionate about changing diapers or cleaning up vomit.
When we talk about our passions in life, we tend to dwell on the first person, the I, me, my, mine. Vocation isn't about that at all. Vocation is how we serve our neighbor wherever we are, however we can, whoever neighbor is. It has nothing to do with the I, me, my, mine.
I'm not so sure God promised us that serving others would make us feel good. In fact, I don't think Christ felt so good on the cross.
I think the world tells us that we need to feel good, darn good, even passionate about what we do daily for it to be meaningful and to have a purpose. But I really think that's what drags us away from God. When we are humbled in the drudgery of life-- your current job, my piles of diapers and/or vomit--that's when we really are lifted up in the eyes of God. These are our good works (crazy as it sounds) because of His hard work.
So maybe what you view as your passionless, safe job is a lot more than you give it credit for. It is how you earn, it is how you serve your family and those around you. You might not see all the ways (now or ever), but, in the end, it's not about you. Or me. But I still think you're really cool.
Thanks for your comments, Jody.
ReplyDeleteOne of Luther's great contributions to Christianity was his concept of the Christian's "vocation", namely that whether or not one was a butcher, baker, or candlestick maker, one had a divine calling every bit as important as that of the religious callings. Actually, we have many (add those other callings as well, husband or wife, father, grandfather, uncle, Christian, etc.) Or to put it in the context of your comments, Luther encourages us to view our "occupation" in the broadest sense, as our "vocation", our special calling.
In addition, there is the question of determining when we are being called to change "occupations" so that we may better live out our "vocation". One can be "occupied" by that which is not one's God given calling.
When I speak of "passion", I do so viewing it in its more positive sense. It is not a self centered desire, but rather reflects a strong commitment to live our lives in the context of love of neighbor. So the question becomes "How can I love God, by loving my neighbor?" And secondarily, how can I devote my life (occupation), to this basic Christian calling of service to others.
Again, thanks for your comments.