Struggling with sleep. . .

So on the weekends I binge sleep.  Saturday's are a valiant effort to make up for what is lost the rest of the week.

Things have been regressing on that account.  I go to bed at 7 pm or so, with the hope to get 8 hours in by 3 am when I must wake.  I've been waking up as early a 10:45 pm.  10:45 pm is a bit early to start one's day. 

What ensues is an effort to go back to sleep, often to no avail.  I lay down, and am never sure if I've been sleeping, or just resting.  Dreams and thoughts merge into one.  Was I dreaming?  Or is my mind just racing?  I'm never sure. 

Numerous issues could be in play.  First and foremost is that the medication I'm on has simply lost its effectiveness.  I'll speak to my neurologist about that in a few weeks.  This would be unfortunate because the medication I'm on is one of the few that is safe for long term use.  When I went for a sleep study, what was determined is that I have mild sleep apnea.  The CPAP machine was to be the ticket.  The Doc says its working, when I wear it.  Problem is that it is often the CPAP that wakens me. 

The sleep issues could also be a symptom of deeper anxiety and depression.  I don't feel terribly anxious, or depressed, but sometimes it creeps up on you. 

My coping mechanism of trying to make up for the lost sleep on the weekends could also be part of the problem.  "Naps are a no, no." is one piece of advice.  But then what do you do when you've had inadequate amounts of sleep at night? 

And then there is the issue of age.  It could simply be that as I age I need less sleep. 

Yet my good friend, the Doc, tells me that extended periods of sleep remain necessary.  Dozing in and out doesn't do it.  It's not healthy.

Part of the struggle is that I actually feel best in the early morning, even after just a few hours of sleep.  Alert, energetic, creative. 

Another part of the struggle is that my dreams are not restful, for the most part.  Often they have a work component.  Last night I was building a bunk bed with another worker from my cabinet shop.  And often these dreams occur over and over again in a relentless series.  It's like the drudgery of the worst day in the cabinet shop invades my sleep cycle.  It can be a relief to wake up.

I sometimes wonder if I should try sleeping with a nicotine patch on to see if I'm waking up to smoke.  When I'm up at all hours, I do smoke.  I've been trying to cut back.  Truth is that if I could sleep, I'd reduce my smoking by half a pack a day, easy.  Yet my other doctor says wearing a patch at night is not to be recommended.  And I'm never sure whether the chicken or the egg comes first.  Do I smoke because  I'm awake, or do I wake because I need to smoke?

This has been a long term problem.  It goes back to childhood.  It's why I developed an addiction to alcohol.  When I was drinking, I could simply keep drinking till I slept.  "Passing out" is what my psychiatrist insists on calling it, and she's right.  But at least I was unconscious.  Don't worry, I'm not going down that road again because after a while there is a fine line between unconsciousness and death.

So simple a thing.  Sleep.  We take it for granted til we can't.