Living in the Now

"Without a vision the people perish", yet a vision of what might be can also obscure the beauty of what is.

As I negotiate the sometimes tumultuous waters of being bipolar, it strikes me that my greatest asset and most significant liability are one and the same.  I am constantly consumed with concerns about tomorrow, captivated by visions of the possibilities that might be, and judging what is (reality) in comparison to that vision (imagination) of what may yet come.  As an asset this fuels a lot of creativity and a drive to create a better tomorrow.  As a liability it often prevents a contentedness with the blessings of today.

For a bipolar person this manifests itself in the tension between mania and depression.  And I believe and experience that being bipolar does not just mean that over time I will have manic episodes and cycles of depression, but that at any given time, there is a tension in my psyche between the two.  The manic side of my brain is consumed with future possibilities.  The depressed side struggles with what is and how far short that falls from the future that could be.

This is an ongoing conversation within me, a dialectical tension that charts the course of my life.

I serve as a pastor.  It's a good thing.  I continue my work in the cabinet shop.  It's a good thing.  I am capable in both areas.  Together those two vocations provide an adequate living, and we see on the horizon some hopeful signs with respect to our budget.  The bottom line is that if I stay in today, there is a tremendous amount to be thankful for.  We live in a community of our choice, with two of our children close by, and with the priceless opportunity to be present with our only grandchild on a day to day basis.  For the first time in my life, we live in a home that we own.  We've just celebrated 40 years of marriage, an accomplishment of no small order as together we've had to face the challenges of alcoholism and mental health issues.

Yet there is that constant discontent that is both disabling and motivating.  I rarely get a day off.  I'm go to bed at 7 pm, often waking as early as 1 or 2 am, leaving for work by 4:45.  On the days I work in the cabinet shop exclusively, I put in a ten hour shift from 5:30 to 4:00.  That's the light day.  Other days I work at the cabinet shop till 12:30, and then at the church throughout the afternoon, and once a week into the evening.  The base line commitment I've made is to work 60 plus hours a week, plus the commuting time.  And then I nap.

More than anything it is the grueling grind of this schedule that stimulates both the depression (is this all there is) and the mania (being consumed with the boundless opportunities I envision for tomorrow).  But there is also a reasonable and healthy concern, neither manic nor depressed, that simply strives toward sustainability.  Can I reasonably demand of myself keeping a schedule that routinely involves leaving home at 4:45 am and not returning home until 10 pm?  I'm committed to working until I'm 70, nine more years, but can I do that at 70?

One of the handicaps of being a pastor is that we have an understanding of the "Call" that generally mandates that the initiative come from the calling organization, and not from the pastor.  This piety of call renders pastors largely passive in the process.  As a matter of faith, then, one hopes that the right opportunity present itself, and yet one must also be somewhat cautious about 'pursuing and creating' that opportunity.  I was once advised against taking initiative in the call process because there will come a time in each call that it will be crucial to know that you are where you are because God called you there, and not just because you yourself created that opportunity.  When I can remember this it calms my soul a bit.  It eases the anxiety regarding tomorrow.  Which brings us back to today.

In an hour and a half, I'll leave for work.  I'll drive the forty miles to Hayden, put in my seven hour shift.  Then I'll head over to Otis Orchards, eating my sandwich along the way.  Once there I'll meet with an individual considering using our church as a  place to do spiritual direction.  I'll change the reader board out front.  Prepare for Sunday.  Then around five I'll head back north to Sandpoint, and when I arrive home my wife will have a home cooked meal prepared.  I can do that today.

One day, I hope to have more time for leisure activities.  For example, its been two  years since I licensed our little boat.  No time to do some needed maintenance, and no time to use it either.  It would be nice to play a round of golf.  Even go to the driving range.  I would like to be able to fill out a job application and indicate that I have more hobbies than napping.

And yet that is not now.

And I prefer this to what was a few years back.  Yes the work schedule is grueling at times, but there was a time I couldn't work.  Working twelve hour days is better than spending day after day immobilized on the couch.

Well, enough for now.  My alarm will sound (I'm always up before it, but still set it for 3:30 so that I proceed to get breakfast and a shower on schedule) and then breakfast, a shower, perhaps a few minutes catching a little nap, and then into the car for the drive.  That's my now.