I dreamt I was President. And at a meeting, that was strangely like a congregational meeting, not congressional, I had the opportunity to meet Kim Jong Un, who happened to be incredibly warm and friendly. At one point, I leaned over in the pew (remember this was like a congregational meeting) and spoke to Kim Jong Un about, well, nothing in particular, but rather told him we'd just pretend to be speaking about something of great consequence to see how the world reacted. . .
Remember this was a congregational meeting. I also remember that there was a vote to terminate me from a call, which I had resigned from five years ago. I wasn't upset about the result, as I'd already resigned five years ago, but I did rise to a point of order because the votes in favor of terminating the call exceeded the total number of people present at the time of the establishing of a quorum. "Well, this officially terminates our relationship." was my response, again strange because my resignation was five years ago. . .
After the vote, Kim Jong Un was not so friendly.
I'm of the opinion that dreams are but a random association of thoughts and emotions, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. But let's just say that sometimes those random associations of thoughts and emotions are truly bizarre.
Then on to a different type of dream, this one while awake.
Yesterday I was surfing the web, looking for options to restore my father's boat, which after fifty years could use a facelift. Then, I looked at plans for building a boat from scratch, a big boat, a classic design. One part of that dream would be to have the boat for my retirement, imagining cruising Lake Pend Oreille with family and friends. And then, considering the difficulty of building such a boat given my current schedule at work, I imagine doing so as my work. People will spend big bucks for a beautiful boat, why not let them spend it on me? It'd be more fun than making closet shelving at my current job in Hayden.
And then another possibility strikes me. If I really want to make money, building houses is more lucrative, easier, and has a greater market than boats. I have considerable equity in my current home, in large measure because it has appreciated greatly over the last five years. That together with a financial partner might allow me to build a spec home. Perhaps if this was done a few times successfully I could get myself both a livable wage, and also end up owning a home free and clear prior to retirement. Dream. Dream. Dream.
Two things. First of all, neither building a boat nor a house is beyond my skill set. I've done both. A boat is but an elaborate piece of furniture, that floats. And assembling 2 x 6's into a house is simple compared with building a roll top desk. But secondly, as a bipolar person I have to be extremely cautious about hatching plans of significant magnitude.
It's that second piece that can get really frustrating as a bipolar person.
You see, risky business ventures and massive spending sprees are warning signs of a manic episode. Caution is needed. And yet that caution can also undermine all creativity, resourcefulness, and productivity. The struggle for a manic person is discerning the difference between a risk and a responsible course of action. I now see my investment in a CNC router as a symptom of my last manic episode, though at the time it seemed like a reasonable business investment. And perhaps it was and could have been highly successful if I'd just had the right break or two in developing the business.
If there is a disability that comes as a result of being bipolar it is this, that discernment is, and always will be, suspect. "Consult with others" and proceed with caution is one response to this. However, I have found that part of my manic capabilities is to be able to make a rather convincing case for what I envision. I've talked the church into spending millions of dollars, another congregation into forming a parish with two neighboring churches, my wife into letting me cash in retirement funds to purchase the CNC, etc.. Actually, I've been quite successful in many of my manic endeavors. As I've said before, I'm quite convincing in my manic phases, though this is more difficult now that others are in on my dirty little secret.
And then there's my other vocation, that of being a pastor. How bold dare I be with respect to the redevelopment of my current congregation, or the pursuit of another call? The reality is that if finances were not an issue, redevelopment of my congregation would be greatly aided by relocation from Otis Orchards to Liberty Lake where all the development and growth is happening. But red flags arise, aplenty. Million dollar price tags equal major warning signs of manic thought patterns. And yet it was our Director of Evangelical Mission who identified the only hope for our congregation as being establishing a presence in the Liberty Lake community. Sigh.
One of the things I consider when thinking about vocation is that perhaps what I need to strive for is to be a faithful and diligent soldier, and not the commanding officer. To devote myself to serving a cause and a purpose that others have "reasonably" established is probably much better than my being the person doing the conceptualization and charting the direction. The advantage of working in a cabinet shop in Hayden is that I'm not the one determining the risk/reward issues. I simply produce.
But by nature, I'm a leader. A creative, innovative leader. That's my passion.
Guided innovation. Directed leadership. And channeled creativity. Maybe that's the ticket. To serve as called to serve, and yet to do so within the parameters others establish.
One last thought. I could finance the construction of a beautiful boat by selling the CNC. Oops. There I go again.
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