"Crazy Dave"

"Crazy Dave"

That's a moniker that one of my supervisors at work uses for me.  Another supervisor has described my personality at work at mellow, and laid back.  The "crazy Dave" name is used in jest, as many of my coworkers carry similar nicknames, depending on who your talking about.  But whenever I hear it, I laugh to myself and think, "Oh, if only he knew."

Today,  I'm up early again as my mind is thinking about the evaluation I will be having.  After work this afternoon I am  heading to Richland, WA where I will be meeting with the Synod's psychologist tomorrow for an evaluation to determine my readiness to return to pastoral ministry.  I'm uncharacteristically at peace with this whole process.  I don't  perceive a problem.  But I do find certain things interesting.

One of the questions on the preliminary interview form that I was asked to fill out was about pornography.  "How often do you visit porn sites on the web?  Daily?  Occasionally?  Not at all?"  OK, so lets just say to begin with that viewing porn sites is generally "frowned upon in this establishment" that is our home.  Not only that, without having to rely on personal experience of porn sites, over my years in the ministry I have dealt with the harmful effects of porn in my parishioner's lives.  "Women like to be taken by force" is an actual statement made to a woman in my congregation by her spouse.  That man did not learn that from women, I can assure you, but from porn sites, no doubt.

As I've thought about that question though, I'm reminded of something I was told back in seminary days, during Clinical Pastoral Education, that psychological tests often have questions that are designed to measure, not any particular response, but the basic honesty with which the test is being answered.  "If you could get away with it, would you keep money that was not yours?" was one such question.  The assumption is that if we are being totally honest, all of us would do that given the opportunity, and the purpose of the question is to see if we're being honest enough to admit that.  I'm suspicious that the question about porn may be a similar "truth barometer".  

(For the record, as an adolescent victim of an abusive relationship with a band director, I was exposed to an unhealthy dose of pornography.  For example, he took me to "Clockwork Orange" while I was in junior high.  I found out then that the eroticism of porn is always mixed with its repulsiveness.)

I'm also going to be taking the MMPI.  Is that the one that asks repeatedly about whether or not you look at your stools after going to the bathroom?  I took one test years ago that did.  Repeatedly.  I thought that whoever wrote this test sure has a fascination with people's potty habits. 

All that aside, as I anticipate going through yet another evaluation I find myself confronted with the question of presentation.  When I was being evaluated for disability, those conducting the interviews were primarily interested in any sign of health that would enable them to deny my disability.  When being screened for fitness to return to work, there would be a natural tendency to focus on any evidence that would call into question whether I am ready.  And so there is this question of presentation, specifically, do you try to present yourself in a positive or negative light, depending on the nature of the evaluation.  When I was being evaluated for qualifying for disability benefits it is natural to focus on those things that prohibit one from functioning in a healthy manner.   As I'm being evaluated now for fitness to reenter the ministry, it is natural to try and present myself in a positive light, minimizing any difficulties.

Somewhere in the middle, lies the truth.  (Isn't that an interesting phrase?  "Lies the truth.")  There is part of me that longs for a comprehensive neutral evaluation.  Not skewed for any particular outcome, but which genuinely deals with the full spectrum of how I'm doing, without prejudice.

I think that if we can get to that, the conclusion would be something like this.  Through extensive use of medication and therapy, he's made significant progress in stabilizing his mood swings and is generally in a healthy place, though there will always be the risk that his moods could destabilize again due to certain triggers.  Continued monitoring and managing through medication and therapy will alleviate much of that risk, though not all.

Well, we'll see.