Caution: An unwelcome friend

I realized something the other day.  I'm 59 years old and have never turned down a job offer or a Letter of Call from a congregation.  I've had a conviction that these opportunities are gifts from God, and that when God opens a door, its for a purpose.  On a less pious note, I've never explored new positions simply for the sake of exploring them.  When I've sought a new call, or job opportunity, it has been for good reason.  And so, when options open up, I have acted.

I now am in the third major phase in my working career.  I spent five years in business prior to seminary, then 25 years in the ministry, and now trying to settle into yet another vocation in the remaining time before retirement.  Since leaving the ministry I have attempted to restart my custom furniture business.  I enjoyed the work but it wasn't profitable.  So currently, I'm working at a cabinet shop, more profitable with a steady paycheck, but not particularly enjoyable.  I find myself at a point in my life where I've 7 to 10 years of productive work left before retirement, and wondering if there is a viable option that is both profitable and enjoyable.

This last week I stumbled across a job opening at a local company that manufactures airplanes.  I applied and so far am advancing through that application process.  The company has a very specific mission oriented purpose.  The primary motivation in designing their aircraft was to provide a state of the art airplane to meet the needs of missionary and humanitarian organizations serving around the globe.  Of course, it has other uses.  Put floats on it and its a dream machine for ferrying people to back country lakes for fishing expeditions.  Among other things.

I am really intrigued by the possibility should it become an opportunity.  It would combine my love of building with a sense of mission and calling.  And when the day is done, I could stand back and look at an incredible airplane as the product of my labors on the team.  A lot of satisfaction in that.  Part of the problem working in the cabinet shop is that 'a box is a box, a box, a box, and not much more than a simple box. . .)  Sing to the tune of the theme song from "Mr. Ed".  If you do not know what I am talking about you are clearly a young, culturally deprived, person.  But back to the point. Like building my boat, building an airplane is a lot more appealing than building a box.  I will have to learn the fine art of riveting.

I pray for the opportunity.

And then the internal voices start nagging at me.  My depressed side says that no one would consider hiring a 59 year old washed up preacher with no metal working experience.  My manic side says the opportunities are boundless, that in the end I'll know how to build the entire aircraft, and as an aside, will be invited to serve as the company chaplain.  (Yes, its that Christian of a company that it is not inconceivable that they would consider having a chaplain.)

And then there is the cautious side, that unwelcome friend that threatens to take the joy out of everything, that warns against any new adventure, lest it be another manifestation of mania.  Countering those voices is one that says, "No, its not mania, you're not trying to buy the company, only working for it -- relax, if its meant to be, its meant to be."

What disturbs me about this disease is that it has deprived me of the opportunity to evaluate options on their own merits.  Instead, everything is seen through the cautious filter of knowing that I'm bipolar, and the suspicion that the opportunities I pursue, and the choices I make, may be just one more manifestation of this disease.  Do I desire a change in employment because I'm depressed and hope that a change of scenery will improve my mood?  It has before.  Or does my ambitious pursuit of other opportunities reflect the manic side of me that will accept any challenge, that believes nothing is impossible, and yearns for a platform from which the world may be changed?

In all likelihood, should the opportunity materialize and I'm offered a job with decent compensation and benefits, I will accept.  That's been my nature since I mowed lawns as a young boy.  I mean, having never turned down an employment opportunity in my life,  why would I start now?

But because of this disease, I will also wonder.  Is it the right thing to do?