Visions and Dreams

Thoughts.  Day dreams.  Visions.

"Your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams."  (Acts 2:17)

To be able to visualize that which is not, and then to be able to cultivate that dream till it becomes a reality is an essential quality of human creativity.  Our capacity to be creative is an imprint of the image of God upon our souls.  This I believe.  And one of the gifts I have come to appreciate in myself is this creativity.  One of the dimensions of that for me is that throughout my years in the ministry I could never find contentment in nurturing and caring for that which was, but was always drawn to that which might be.  And it all starts with being a visionary person.  It is one's imagination that is the driving force.

"Discover your passions and pursue them."  These were the words of counsel I once received.  It was vocational advice.  Good advice.  Especially if life presents the opportunity.

But then in response to that advice I have found myself wondering if my counselor would say that if he actually knew the secret thoughts and desires that lurk just below the surface in my mind.  Part of the struggle for me is discerning when the visions that occupy my mind are genuine potentials to be pursued or bizarre fantasies that really should be let go of as idle thoughts and daydreams, best kept secret.

And I wonder to what extent the inner thought processes, the visions and dreams that occupy my consciousness, are the stuff of my natural giftedness or a manifestation of mania.  I feel that I am like an iceberg.  For every dream that reaches the surface, there is so much more below the surface.  And time is running out.  So many dreams, too few resources and too little time.

I don't know the extent to which my visions and dreams are normal, and the degree to which they are symptomatic of this disease.

One of the extreme dreams that recurs is to be the president.  Yes, that president.  I've come to believe that it is part of the savior mentality that dominates my manic side.  Sometimes this dreaming becomes quite specific.  Health care has been a hot topic in politics.  In my 'presidential mode' I envision solutions.  One of them of late is to replace the whole system of managing malpractice through civil litigation with a nationalized program for compensation and discipline similar to the workers compensation system.  The program would be paid for by a simple percentage tax on all medical procedures.  It would be structured such that less lucrative medical practices, such as rural health care, would not be priced out of the market just because of the high cost of malpractice insurance. Victims of malpractice would be justly cared for, just as workers who are hurt on the job.  But they wouldn't win the lottery.  And the cost of health care would be greatly reduced.

Actually, I think that is a good idea.  Manic?  Maybe, maybe not.  At least I haven't I haven't gotten to the point of showing up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue assuming that is my home.

The struggle is this.  I have always been a creative person.  Now I know that I am also bipolar.  Where does a healthy dose of creativity stop, and mania begin?  How does one distinguish between the healthy passions that should be pursued because they they are the driving force behind all creativity, and the compulsions to be curtailed because they are just symptoms of this disease?

One of the ways to help discern is to engage other people in the process.  If others consent to and affirm these dreams and visions then they must be okay and worthy to pursue.  Except for one thing.  I am quite good at persuasion when I am in a manic phase.  Very good. For example, I recognize now that I was in full blown manic phase when I was pursuing my dream of transforming the church through the development of senior housing.  Yet manic, or not, I convinced a whole lot of  people to go along with my agenda.  But even now that my diagnosis is out, and others such as my wife and bishop are aware of my condition, there still remains the question.  When others are cautious of my plans and schemes is it because they have a firmer grip on reality?  Or because they simply cannot envision the potentials and possibilities?

"Your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams."

But are the visions of a young man, or an old man's dreams, delusions?  That is the question, and it is not an easy one.