Faith and the Future

My current health situation remains a mystery.  I am still waiting for the results of a battery of tests.  Apparently the doctor is in no particular hurry, which indicates to me that nothing gravely serious immediately popped out. 

I feel very fatigued.  My  muscles hurt.  My joints ache.  I've experienced blood pressure as high as 190/128.  And a reduced stamina from all of that makes work difficult, not to mention unsafe.

I remember the advice I once gave to a parishioner undergoing testing.  "We always fear the worst, but it seldom is that bad."  That parishioner died about two months later from a glioblastoma.  OK, well, sometimes it is the worst.

As one with a history of drinking and smoking the fear that creeps in is related to the liver and lungs.  As a precaution chest X-rays were taken.  Based on my symptoms, this is not likely the root of my problems.  But fears remain.

I have a very selfish wish.  I hope that if something is wrong, whatever it is, it not be related to drinking and smoking.  I just don't want to have to deal with people that have the attitude 'you got what you deserved'.  It may be true, but throwing that back in my face doesn't help. 

I have a family history of hypothyroidism and there is a lot of correlation between the symptoms I'm experiencing and those associated with hypothyroidism.  A simple test.  Don't know the outcome yet.  Many of those same symptoms can be side effects of some of the medications I am taking. 

It also occurs to me that fatigue could be the primary problem.  I get up between two and three thirty every morning, leave for work by 4:45, work 10-12 hours, return home for dinner and bed.  Then repeat the cycle.  Even without anything wrong that schedule alone is wearing on me and may account for what I'm feeling. 

Faith.

I think that one of the things I've learned throughout my struggles these last few years is that there is always hope.  And that one has the choice whether to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, or to be sustained by faith and surrounded with peace.  Part of this is the degree to which one feels the compulsion to be in control.  The higher one's need for control, the more significant the anxiety and fear. 

When I went into chemical dependency treatment numerous years ago, there was a point of surrender.  What was unexpected was the peace that came washing over me like a giant breaker at the seashore.  The future was in God's hands, and that was sufficient.

Part of me feels that way now.  We've been wrestling with my vocational direction, and whether semi-retirement is a viable option for me, cutting back a bit.  There is fear and anxiety that comes into play with neither one of us wanting to make the wrong decision.  But there is also a sense of peace that is knocking at the door.  Whether there is something seriously wrong with me, or I am just exhausted and experiencing chronic fatigue, it may be that my body is making the decision for us.  It could be that the question of cutting back is no longer an 'if', but a 'when' and a 'how'. 

Faith.

"Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight."  (Jesus Christ Superstar)

Que, sera, sera.