Testing, 1,2,3, Testing

The insurance company that handles our disability benefits did not like it when my psychiatrist told them that my Type I Bipolar diagnosis was a permanent disability that significantly impaired my ability to work.  They terminated the benefits effective the last day of October, and with that my medical insurance.  What lies ahead is the appeal process that can extend over 90 days.  Meanwhile we are without the income that we have been relying on.

"This is a test of the emergency broadcasting system.  Were this a real crisis you would be told what to do."  I think that is what the original announcement used to say after the obnoxious beeps.  At least with the emergency broadcast system there is a promise that you would be told what to do.

This is an interesting test in that the crisis brings everything I deal with to the fore.  PTSD is active and alive -- fully expecting to be screwed big time by the Church I have served.  Note to insurance company, "if you are going to cancel our health insurance it would be appreciated that we have some advanced notice. . ."

I find myself torn between the couch, and sitting and smoking away the day on the porch.  Amazingly, I've started sleeping in excess of 8 hours a night.  Insomnia has always been a problem.  Excessive sleep is a symptom of depression.  I find myself mired down in the fear of loosing everything we have, everything we've worked for, and every hope for the future.  Depression is a cruel companion.

And then the manic thoughts start raging.  Explore every option.  I built Luther Park and created the jobs for 70 plus people in this community,  I can do the same now for me.  Invest in a more viable business.  Convince an employer that I could do anything they ask of me, just a little orientation required.  Buy and flip homes.  Re-enter the ministry.  Damn right I can do something, in fact, given a chance I can do anything.

And then the shaking resumes from the partial complex seizures.

The basic reasoning of the insurance company is that I'm not reported to have any significant cognitive or physical disability.  (My psychologist recommended I become a Republican and run for president.  His assessment, I think, was that I'm more qualified and capable than the current candidates. . .)  I will have to prove through the appeal process that though Bipolar disorder and PTSD do not constitute a "physical", or "cognitive" disability, but due to the nature of mental illness they are disabling none the less.

And then, simultaneously, I need to explore possibilities of what I can do to care for our family as I am able.  In some ways this fits right into the nature of the bipolar disease.  The depressed side is ready to make the case that there is simply nothing that I can do.  The manic side is convinced that there is nothing that I cannot do.  Competing voices raging within.

I'm exploring with my bishop what ministry options there might be for me.  I felt the need to do "full disclosure".  "That said, the most damaging potential of my being in ministry would be if during a manic phase I did engage in inappropriate sexual behavior.  Obviously, I have no intent of doing that, but in that a manic and hypomanic episodes involve "distinct change in mood and functioning that is not characteristic of you," we have to acknowledge the risks".  Such are the risks associated with this disease.  There are significant risks of legal liability if the Church, knowing that I am bipolar, and knowing that "sexual indiscretions" are one of the defining symptoms of the disease, were to put me back in the parish.  Maybe not insurmountable.  But significant.  Of course, knowing the symptoms of the disease I wonder what employment is possible given the risks.  That I suppose is the question.

I'm told that this is standard procedure for insurance companies.  They will deny the claim simply to make you prove your case.  They hope, of course, that many simply won't have the will or the means to appeal the decision.  I am fortunate to have a family helping me.  Meanwhile the test goes on.