Since October 15, 2012 I have had the luxury of a generous disability plan that our Church offers. It has provided me the opportunity to heal, in many ways, and to adapt in others. My main job was to focus on my own mental health issues, taking advantage of the time to engage in extensive therapy. I had the luxury of a steady income that paid the bills while I sought to develop a business that I believed would be my best option for getting off of disability. I also had the luxury of a medical plan that paid for the various therapies, at a very reasonable cost to me.
Then came the notice that the disability benefits would terminate. The business, Olsons WoodWorks, has yet to become profitable, at least to the extent that one could reasonably expect to rely on it to pay the bills. And so, the question was forced upon me, "What now?"
One option that we immediately explored was to appeal the determination that I was no longer eligible for disability benefits, and we may yet go forward with that appeal. Time will tell. As part of that appeal process I needed to research jobs for which I might be qualified, and at which I could earn a reasonable income. Since 2012 I have had my eyes on the market and in that time I found no openings for a woodworker. Then, as I did the research, I discovered one. And so I interviewed, was offered the job, and have gone to work. The question of whether I appeal the decision on the disability claim will largely be determined by my ability to perform well in this new endeavor.
The schedule is, quite frankly, grueling. Up at 4 am, on the road by 5, work a ten hour day, then return home by 5:30 pm. I eat supper, watch a couple episodes of MASH reruns, and then crash in bed only to repeat the same schedule the next day. Thankfully, its only four days a week, and I still have the opportunity to be in my own shop over the weekend.
The routine makes it difficult to schedule appointments with either my psychologist or psychiatrist. And the demands of a high production cabinet shop mean that during the day its all about simply cranking out the next piece of work. No time for reflection. And shear exhaustion has resulted in my sleeping better than I have in decades, to the point that I'm considering going off my sleep medication and seeing how that goes.
It raises a question for me. Are mental health issues, or at least the ability to focus on them, a dubious luxury of the 'well to do'? Conversely, are the rigors of a working class life simply so demanding as to push to the periphery any consideration of the mental health issues that one may have?
To an extent, this is not something new. One of my primary defenses against being overwhelmed by depression has been to keep myself so busy as to simply work through it. No time to think, No time to 'feel' depressed. And if the duties to which I devoted myself were routine and normal, then even as I cycled into more manic phases there was not the opportunity to engage in those activities that crossed the line.
In AA one of the principles is to do the 'next right thing', to live in the 'now', and to avoid at all cost either dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. Again I find myself wondering if our tendency to spend too much time ruminating about the past, or contemplating the future, is simply a luxury that many in our world cannot afford. And perhaps the demands of a blue collar working schedule of getting up and putting one foot in front of the other, taking one task at a time, day after day, may be good medicine.
Once again you've brought up a new aspect of the issues facing you personally and our society more broadly; I really appreciate your reflections. Your thought here reminded me of one of the Eastern Orthodoxy approaches to pastoral care - "work therapy." It's an idea that is based in the works of the Church Fathers (esp., it seems, in the Desert Fathers) that has nothing to do with the "works righteousness" that we Lutherans have a history of fretting about. Instead it seems to be directed at the human need to feel that we are engaged in something worthwhile...either that, or it is just a good way to distract ourselves from our problems. :) Anyway, I'm sure that using such an approach could be useful, even though its over-simplification would probably cause more harm than good.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the new job!