Major Announcement. . .

Fellow citizens, after deep reflection and consideration, but without consulting with any of my supporters, I have come to the conclusion that I will not be running for President of the United States this election cycle.  I reach this decision with a heavy heart, but feel that it is the best course of action at this time.

I was going to mount a campaign with the slogan "Make America Sane Again", which preliminary market studies showed to have a certain appeal to the American public.  A second slogan would have been "Dave Olson for President:  At least he's on his meds."

I know this will be received by many of you with great disappointment.  And I understand, but still, the toll this would have taken on my family and me was just too great.

I do believe that my experience with being bipolar would have made me well suited for the Presidency.  For example, my own experience is that taking Lamictal is an effective remedy for the highs and lows that are too often experienced.  This is exactly what the stock market needs.  Wild swings up and down are not beneficial to the nation's economy.  I have a solution.  Lamictal.  Or lithium, if need be.

Some feel our nation is headed towards a depression.  There you have it, another issue with which I am uniquely equipped and experienced to handle.

I have also learned fiscal responsibility.  Although when it comes to the federal budget and allocating trillions of dollars of resources it might be necessary to go off my meds for a spell.  Bipolar people in a manic phase are quite adept at the task of spending vast amounts of money.  Debt is also something we have personal experience with.  Bipolar people are like that.  My solution for the national debt is that we will accept an unlimited amount of promotional credit cards and continually transfer funds back and forth to maintain zero interest on the balance.  This would save us lots of money.

I would have led us back to a time when we were a kinder, gentler, nation.  Our theme song would have been "Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine."  Part of this emphasis would require all drivers to wave at each other, like they do in the farming communities of the midwest.

I believe that we need to respond to the humanitarian crisis of immigrants at our southern border.  And yet, I also believe that we need a means of restricting entrance to the country to those who really want to be here and need to be here because of dire necessity.  A simple solution can be found in my Norwegian American background (and by the way, I will be doing a genetic test to prove that I am of Norwegian descent).  What we would have done is to welcome these immigrants and asylum seekers and provide them with lutefisk to eat for their first year in the country.  This would have reduced the amount of people seeking entrance to the country to those who truly need to come here.

One of the questions asked during campaigns is the phone call at 3 am question.  Who do you want taking that call?  Hey, I'm up at 3 am anyway.  No big deal.

I am somewhat disappointed to come to this conclusion.  Being bipolar I could have brought both the melancholy of Abraham Lincoln and vast ambition of FDR back to the White House.

Some of you are rolling your eyes and saying "Dave, you're just not smart enough to be President."  True.  But this is my belief.  (And for the first time in this piece of satire, I'm being dead serious.)  The job of the President is to surround himself or herself with people far smarter than they, to the end that they are the dumbest person in the room.  Their job as President is not to be the smartest, but to pray instead for wisdom.  And this is my prayer, that as we as a nation enter the next election cycle we will seek out and find a candidate that may not be the most experienced, nor the most intelligent, nor the most charismatic, and certainly not the richest, but rather simply wise.