Path to Freedom-- Addiction II

Last week I wrote:

"And so the battle begins.  Can someone like myself, who has battled addiction throughout my adult life be free?  Can I do so without complicating other areas of my life, such as my metal health and tendency toward depression?"

I am in the process of stopping smoking.  I wish I was at the point that I could say I'm done, over it, free and clear, but the reality is it is going to take more time.

One of the difficulties of breaking free from smoking that has plagued me over the years is that it is so easy to feel like you're failing.  And rather than fail, just don't try.  It's not unlike my experience drinking.  When I was in treatment, they asked "Well, how many times have you tried to stop and relapsed?"  My response was a simple "None."  I had never relapsed because I had never tried to stop. 

With smoking it has been a different story.  I've tried numerous times, but failed.  And feeling like a failure is the number one reason for abandoning the effort. 

I'm following my psychiatrist's advice this time in recognizing that this is a process and specifically, I was too heavy of a smoker (pack and a half a day) to have much of a chance going cold turkey.  The body simply needs some time to adjust.  Or it is at least easier, in her opinion, to decrease and then stop.

Over the course of the last week, I've succeeded in drastically reducing the number of times I smoked, but I haven't succeeded in totally stopping.  It's easy to feel a failure because of that, but in truth, a few cigarettes a day is a lot better than over 30.  I refuse to succumb to feeling a failure when in fact I'm succeeding in moving toward my goal. 

The most difficult time is at work.  We can't smoke in the shop, but breaks are extremely difficult.  "Where have you been?" my colleagues with whom I smoked at break asked.  "I'm trying to quit."  "We miss you, but hope you never come back."  Were it not for work, I'd have progressed more than I have.  This last week I chose to have one smoke, as opposed to three or four, during break.  And a smoke before I started and after I finished.  Five a day.  Much better than 30.  And next week will be better.

One of the struggles with quitting smoking at work is that the smoke break represents such a welcome relief to the drudgery of the job.  And there is a now or never element in play regarding breaks. 

It is getting easier, and the times I do smoke are less satisfying.  This is different this time.  One of the difficulties I experienced before is that as I cut down, the occasions I did smoke produced a level of satisfaction much greater than when I was constantly smoking.  So I'm hopeful.

I am not failing.  That's something I have to remind myself about.  The first step in ceasing my smoking habit actually came, at the recommendation of my doctor, last year.  "Dave, just try not smoking in your car."  Her advice, coupled with having just bought a new car, provided the incentive.  I haven't smoked in the car since.  Now that might seem like a small victory, but when one spends a couple of hours a day commuting, and when one smoked almost continuously during the commute, it was a big deal.  But I succeeded in that step toward freedom.

Now its all about going the rest of the way.

The benefits are already showing up.  My lungs are noticeably clearer.  The persistent cough has gone away.  And in the back of my mind I start wondering if perhaps I might one day die in old age from something other than smoking related causes. . .

And yet there are miles to go before this journey is done.  I'm using the patch.  (I know that one is not supposed to smoke at all when on the patch, and that's my goal, but I tell myself that I've already reduced my smoking by nearly a pack and a half a day, so it's not so bad.)  Oh, and I will not let you tell me I'm failing.  If I listened to those voices, I'd be back at it in an instance.

The purpose of using the patch is to allow one to address the behavioral aspects of quitting first, and then gradually reduce the amount of nicotine to become, over time, free from the chemical dependency.  Physically, withdrawal actually occurs as the dosage is decreased.  My pharmacist used to recommend against the patch, or other nicotine replacement therapies, as they are merely "alternative delivery systems",  Well, that kept me from trying, more than once.

There are medications that can help.  "Hah, been there tried that."   Amongst all the different meds I have been put on, those that help with smoking withdrawal have also been tried, for other reasons.  They resulted in an increase in seizure activity.  And so my psychiatrist has been very clear, that is not an option.   Period.

And so I continue down this course.  Yesterday I had two smokes.  Today, I'm going to try limiting myself to one.  That is a major accomplishment for me.  And one day, it will be none.  And then the next.  None.  And finally, I hope to be where I now am regarding drinking.  No desire,  No craving.  No longer an issue. 

Hope springs eternal.