It's been a couple of weeks since my last post and I must admit that I wondered what I might say this morning. There have been so many times over the last few years that there were such significant concerns to write about. But today, life is good.
First of all, I continue my ongoing effort to wean myself from my smoking habit. I've smoked for a long time, and this time, I've decided that I will succeed in breaking the habit. I'm using the patch and that has been effective in allowing me to greatly reduce my smoking. I struggle still with eliminating the smoking entirely. It's not the nicotine fix that is the problem. It is the pattern and behavioral issues.
Let's see, I've smoked for over 4 decades. And virtually every single time I had the opportunity for a break from work, or study, or anything, I smoked. That is what you do on break. That is the hardest thing to overcome. Last week we spent four days on a trip to Bend to visit my brother and sister-in-law. Four days and no smoking whatsoever. Probably the only challenge was golfing. It struck me that golfing eighteen holes without either a smoke, or a beer, was quite a new thing. It was fine.
But then this week it was back to work. The most difficult thing about altering the behavior at work and smoking on breaks is, ironically, that we cannot smoke at work. So when I show up to work at 5:30 am, I know that I will not have the opportunity to smoke again until 9:00 am. And then at 11:30, and 2:00 pm. At issue is a lifetime of making sure that I took advantage of the opportunities that I had to smoke so as not to experience a nic fit. The patch takes care of the nicotine withdrawal. It's the behavioral modification that remains an issue. Still, I am delighted with my progress so far. A few smokes a day is better than a pack and a half.
But a clear break is going to be necessary. My goal? I see my psychiatrist in mid August. She's the one who has cared for me from the moment I entered chemical dependency treatment till now. I'd love to be able to report to her that I have succeeded in quitting smoking. But one of the things I will not do is set an absolute date. Some may disagree with this. My reason goes back to countless efforts to quit smoking over the years and attempts at going cold turkey. What would happen is that I'd 'quit', and then amid the struggles of withdrawal, give in and have a smoke. This would result in my feeling that I had failed, and so I'd resume smoking again.
Today my attitude is that every smoke I do not have is a victory, even if I continue to have a few.
But the goal is none. It's just going to require diligence. And not getting discouraged or allowing myself to feel a failure because I don't live up to other's or my own hopes and expectations. And also, I rejoice that even now, my lungs are clear and the cough I've been experiencing is gone.
A byproduct of this effort is that I am sleeping better. I'm not sure that I woke up to smoke, but when I woke up I always smoked. Now, at 1:15 am I've discovered that one can roll over and return to sleep, most of the time. I've slept through to my alarm a few times. The thing is that when waking up requires getting dressed and going outside for a smoke, it is naturally more difficult to get back to sleep. And at the same time, getting to sleep without the smoke is also hard. Today, things have improved. Another reason to continue the effort.
One final word on this today. From the standpoint of chemical dependency I'm still on the patch. I will not consider myself a non-smoker until that time when I neither smoke, nor use the patch, But again, my commitment this time is to continue the effort even if it takes a few months.
Life is good.
One of the things that I did this last week was to rearrange my schedule so that I could participate in the weekly text study that the pastor's in Spokane have. It's a reminder for me that there are things that I can do to improve the satisfaction and overall quality of my life. Connecting with colleagues is important.
I have begun a couple of projects in my own shop. That is rewarding.
The bottom line is this, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Being bipolar and struggling with chemical dependency issues is not a death sentence, or at least it need not be.
And so I'm grateful today.
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