Courting the Devil

I wonder how alcohol was first discovered. I suppose it would have begun by accident, you know, as in someone discovered making juice out of grapes and then the grape juice did what grape juice always does, and a love affair was born. One article I read states that "there was a single genetic mutation 10 million years ago that endowed human ancestors with an enhanced ability to break down ethanol." "The scientists noted that the timing of this mutation coincided with a shift to a terrestrial lifestyle. The ability to consume ethanol may have helped human ancestors dine on rotting, fermenting fruit that fell on the forest floor when other food was scarce."

Actually, I imagine it might have been laziness that motivated people to consume the fruit that had fallen to the forest floor, instead of climbing up the trees to pick the fresh fruit. And then there was the discovery. How many rotting apples would have to be consumed before people realized that this affected their moods? And how long did it take before our ancestors recognized this as "good medicine"? Imagine the first time our ancient ancestor got pissed at his mate, stuffed himself on rotting apples, and returned to the cave with a silly grin on his face. . .

I drank for a number of reasons. Early on I suppose it could be said that I drank for the taste. Beer and pizza just tasted good together. Soon, I couldn't imagine one without the other. But as opposed to my wife who can't stand the way alcohol makes her feel, I quickly came to crave the feeling that alcohol produced.

Being bipolar means that mood swings are largely out of one's control. Alcohol gave me control. This runs counter to much of what we think about alcoholism. Isn't alcohol addiction about the loss of control over our drinking? But alcohol gave me control of my moods.

One drink and I experienced a lightening of my mood, an easing of tension.  Two drinks and there was the pleasurable buzz.  A flight of ideas.  Letting go.  Loss of inhibitions.  A feeling that anything is possible.  And then as the drinking progresses, a pensive reflective mood sets in.  Then the pensive mood shifts to a melancholy feeling.  And finally there is a descent into despondency. And in the end, one sleeps.  (Note:  My psychiatrist always says that one doesn't sleep under the influence of alcohol, one passes out.  I, on the other hand, maintained that "passing out" was only when one involuntarily lost consciousness.  It is a distinction that my alcoholic mind clings to.)

It dawns on me that if a normal person wants to know how it feels to be bipolar, just chart your moods through an afternoon and evening of heavy drinking.  And then imagine living constantly in that cycle.  Yes, there are those periods when you are at a very pleasant 'high', but you cannot stay there.  The mood always shifts.  This progression of moods can happen rapidly, can last for days, can cycle over the course of years and months.  But unlike inebriation, you have no control of either the pace nor the place that you will find yourself in the mood swings.  There, now go to sleep.

Alcoholism and Bipolar Disorder are frequently experienced together.  For me, it all came down to control, even as I lost control of my drinking.  In fact, I would say that the reason I lost control of my drinking is because I so desperately wanted to control my mood.  In the end, however, all control was lost.  I needed to drink to avoid the very unpleasant feelings of withdrawal.  However my drinking no longer produced the pleasurable high that I so craved.  It short circuited the cycle, and the pleasant buzz gave way to an immediate descent into the melancholy despondency.

It's a devilish deal.  The promise is for immediate, if momentarily relief, but the cost is ultimate and lasting defeat.  When one courts the devil for the promised relief, one never wins in the end.  The alcohol that once helped control one's mood now multiplies the intensity of the mood, and wrests all control from you.  In the end, you've sold your soul to the Devil.  

I find it interesting in this light, that is was the act of eating the fruit of the tree that the Bible says was the original sin.  Just a curious fact.  Perhaps written after "Adam" returned to the cave with that silly grin on his face so many moons ago.