The Image of God or Demons,

Who am I?  And where have I gone?  Or maybe I've been here all along.

I struggle with these questions.  Self doubt takes on a whole new meaning when one is diagnosed with a mental illness.  Is the me I've seen in the mirror the real me?  Or am I looking at the product of a disease?  An aberration?  Is the image I see the child of God I was created to be?  Or a demon?

I don't know the answer to this.  I waiver back and forth.  One way of looking at living Bipolar is to see it as the product of bad brain chemistry.  Something is clearly wrong.  Everyone experiences a natural ebb and flow of moods, but for one who is Bipolar both the highs and lows are extreme to the extent that one cannot function normally at either end of the spectrum.  It can feel like a demonic possession.  One's behavior is compulsively driven by mood, as if a foreign being is in charge, that the true self is captive and imprisoned within.  Questions of accountability and responsibility come to mind.  Is someone who is in a manic state capable of being responsible for their actions?  Or are the behaviors symptomatic of the disease and beyond the control of the person?  The devil made me do it.

But perhaps it isn't like that at all.  Perhaps being Bipolar is actually just a way of describing someone with unique capacities that extend well beyond the norm.  For example, were my decisions the pursue the development of Luther Park at Sandpoint, the senior housing facility we developed while I was at First Lutheran in Sandpoint, or my decision to invest heavily in a CNC Router for my woodworking business examples of symptoms of my disease that should have been moderated by "normal people" watching over me, or, examples of how the unique giftedness associated with being Bipolar allows for major accomplishments?  One of the defined symptoms of Bipolar manic episodes is "reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions).

The judgement that we make is often based on the success of the endeavor.  Luther Park is very successful.  And so it feels as though it is the product of the unique giftedness that I brought to that challenge.  My business has yet to become profitable, and so it feels as though spending over $50,000 on a CNC Router may have been a "lavish spending spree" or "ill-advised business decision".  On the other hand, look at the furniture I've created.

Does the proper treatment of Bipolar disorder enable one to eliminate the "unnatural' highs and lows, cast out the demons, and get back in touch with one's true self?  Or is part of one's true self, the capacity to experience extreme highs and lows, the heightened energy and creativity and all that goes with that, lost with treatment?  What is called for, an exorcism or a channeling of gifts?  And in the midst of it, who am I?