Simply to believe that the Almighty God, creator of all things, calls one into his service may be seen by some as a grandiose delusion and a symptom of mental illness. As a matter of faith we believe as Christians in vocation, that God does indeed call one into his service, and that we are where we are because that is where God would have us be at a particular point in time. But if one is a secular mental health professional, one who does not share such a faith, such beliefs are delusional, as they don't conform to a 'reasonable' understanding of reality, and grandiose in that they reflect an inflated sense of self. Perhaps we allow for faith in our world view. Then it becomes a matter of degree. When does one's sense of being a servant of God cross the line and become delusional and grandiose?
An anecdote: During clinical pastoral education I visited the mental health ward a couple of times as a chaplain. One of the interesting little dynamics was that they had two individuals on the floor, one of whom was convinced he was God, the other equally convinced he was Jesus, and they didn't get along. Each of them could perceive the delusion in the other, but not in themselves.
One of the ways that the Church has protected itself against "the Call" being a matter of grandiose delusions of an individual is by insisting that the legitimacy of "the Call" must be confirmed by the Body of Christ as a whole. Today, Peace Lutheran Church will vote on extending to me a "Letter of Call" to serve as their pastor. That action, if taken, will confirm my own convictions that this is where God intends me to be. "Do you believe that the Church's call is God's call?" That is one of the questions put to the candidate for ordination. And apart from such a sense of Call, its hard for me to imagine being a pastor.
And then it gets very specific. Are my actions on a certain day the result of divine guidance? A few years back I was doing some remodeling at church, fixing up the sacristy. I needed a little water heater and so went into Coeur d'Alene to pick up one. Having done that, I realized as an afterthought that one of my parishioners, Jim, was in the hospital. "While I'm here, I'll stop by." was my thought. So I did.
When I walked into the room, and greeted Jim and his wife Alice, they shared with me that just fifteen minutes before the Dr. had informed them that Jim's cancer was a rare form of lymphoma, that was non-Hodgkin's, but behaved like Hodgkins Disease. In short, the original prognosis was that Jim would likely die of something else before his cancer was a threat. Now, what the doctor had shared was that Jim had a short while left to live. Minutes later, I walked in. Was God behind my being there at that moment when they needed me? Or was that merely coincidence? A sacred calling? Or a grandiose delusion to think that the Almighty interrupted my remodeling project and inspired that visit to the hospital at that particular moment?
I believe that my most pronounced manic episode resulted in my active involvement in the development of senior housing. It wasn't the one project in Sandpoint that was so out of the ordinary. I mean, I did it. Luther Park was built. It is operating. Done deal.
What leads me to believe that I was in a manic phase were the grandiose (and delusional) aspirations of what could follow. Not only would I develop Luther Park, but I would duplicate that effort across the country and in so doing transform the Church and equip it for an extensive outreach, giving it the resources to vastly multiply its efforts in evangelism. There was a degree to which I considered myself a modern day Apostle Paul. Millions of dollars were spent. But the collapse of the economy spelled the end to it all. Accepting that was difficult. I was so convinced that this was my divine calling that I struggled to accept the banking world putting the brakes on the endeavor. "If only. . ."
Predictably, what followed was a deep depression. The pattern was there.
Back to today. Peace Lutheran Church will vote on extending a "Letter of Call" to me to be their pastor. Its not part of a grand delusion. A simple Call to serve a small congregation. I hope to make a difference in their life.
When I began my service as a Transitional Minister at Peace I was very intentional in sharing with them that I was bipolar. Their blunt response was that my medical condition was not a concern to them. Such an acceptance of my struggles is one of the reasons I believe this is where God would have me be. Serving there does bring with it some risk of grandiose delusions. They have been declining for over twenty years. The depressed side of me says that will continue and my role will be to help them gracefully complete their ministry and one day close their doors. The manic side, however, believes that even in the face of the decline of Church membership in the country, we can reverse the trend and become a growing, vibrant, congregation once again. We will see.
I do believe in God. I believe in a God that is actively engaged in the world. I believe in a God that is doing work in very concrete and specific ways. Yes, I believe that God has put me where I needed to be, and where I was needed at a particular point in time for a particular purpose. This, I believe is reality, not delusion. And to obediently accept a Call is not an instance of grandiosity, but of humble service.
So they will vote today. If the outcome is positive I will accept their Call as God's call for my life. It's that simple. And then I will preach. And teach. I will baptize. I will preside at communion. I will counsel those in need. I will visit the sick. I will bury the dead. And all this I will do with the help of the Holy Spirit and in the name of Jesus.
And I will continue to take my meds so that my service there might always be in response to a genuine sense of my vocation as a pastor, and not the result of chemical imbalances in my head.
Hopefully.
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