For mine eyes have seen your salvation.
Inner peace is the realization that salvation is past tense. It is the realization that what once had been merely a matter of hope, is accomplished, and continues to shape a new reality of life. That battle has been won, now is a time of living into the victory.
Fear. I must admit that over the last five and a half years fear has been a companion. Fear of losing all that we had. This journey began in all hopefulness. Conversations with my church council resulted in our mutually agreeing that I would continue serving til retirement, and in that light they offered me the opportunity to buy a house. We did.
There was a backlash that erupted in the congregation. The negative voices, long dormant, came to the surface. Anger resulted. Rage, actually. And my world collapsed. I've told the story before. Six weeks after moving into our new home I was hospitalized for chemical dependency treatment, and for depression. What followed was a disability determination, a resignation from my call, and the daunting challenge of meeting the mortgage payments with all my income now diminished and in question. Then a loss of disability benefits. A new job at a fraction of what I had been paid. Etc.
The bottom line is I feared losing everything. And in the end, lost nothing. Not a payment has been missed. Things have stabilized. For every challenge faced, there has been a solution offered.
Now is a time of peace. At Peace. Lutheran that is. At least I hope it is. The next couple of months will probably see an extension of a Call to permanent service there. My work at the cabinet shop continues. I'm hopeful. Through a combination of efforts we have replaced much of the lost income. And the home which I feared losing, has appreciated in value at the rate of about $2,000 a month. Not a bad investment.
But the financial realities are minimal in comparison to the peace that is being experienced. There is nothing to prove, just an invitation to remain faithful. Trusting. Hopeful. And assured.
I continue to see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds, and a psychologist to monitor my moods. But as I told my psychiatrist this last week, I basically am just keeping them on a retainer in case I need them in the future. I don't want to be without access to them even though my current needs for therapy are minimal.
Peace. I am in the process of evaluating options for retirement. When can I retire from what? Likely our move into retirement will be a step by step process, and not a definite date. Some benefits may be started next year. Others will wait.
Options exist. We'll be alright.
It is with a certain amount of trepidation that I venture to say life is good. Karla is in seventh heaven being able to be a homemaker again, and especially, caring for our grandchild Jasper on a daily basis. I am doing two things I love, pastoral ministry and woodworking. And, I dare say, stress is low compared to other times in my life.
Inner peace is the realization that salvation is past tense.
What I mean by that is that there was a time that with every fiber of my being I prayed that God would get me through this crisis. And then, there is a wakening when one realizes that indeed, God has accomplished that. The crisis is past. "Salvation" has already happened.
But what is it about our makeup, my makeup, that holds on to the trepidation? That is always waiting for the other shoe to fall? "Lift me up when ever I fall, and never let me fade from the grace filled light of your own sight, and turns my night to day." Words of my personal prayer. A prayer that has been answered.
I think the boldness of my hope at this point, and the source of my peace, is the recognition that though I have fallen numerous times, God has always 'lifted me up" and that has been sufficient.
Sufficient. Quite a concept. It is enough. We tend to always want more. And don't always get it. Sufficient is enough.
It's not that there aren't hopes to experience some of the things we haven't yet had the opportunity to experience. One day I hope to have the opportunity to build furniture unencumbered by the restraints of 'business'. I'd like build what I want to build, utilizing all my creativity, without being limited by what I can sell. To be able to do it for the pure joy of doing it. That may happen. Time will tell.
I hope that Peace Lutheran will turn the corner and start to grow again. But ministry in the next few decades will likely be different than it has been. One dimension of that is that I used to be able to see all the people I was preaching to. Now, I have developed a cyber congregation. There may be only a couple dozen in worship at Peace, but through the web as many as 350 people a week are reading the sermons. Is that the shape of the church of the future? It is not dissimilar to Baker, MT where our congregation broadcasted over the radio station and far more people heard the word via radio than were present in the pews.
There is freedom is being able to say "That is God's problem. Not mine."
Just be at peace. This is the life you have the opportunity to live. Live it.
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