Amazing Grace and Other Such Suffering

The next few days will be critical for me.

On Tuesday I will be having back surgery.  Spinal Stenosis is the diagnosis, affecting L3, L4, and L5.  Lumbar decompression surgery, a lamenotomy, is the cure.  Basically, because of aging the passage ways in my spine have narrowed and my nerves are getting pinched off.  This causes pain in my legs and a loss of functions such as muscle control and balance.  I can only walk short distances.  The surgery should fix that.  But, there will be pain and suffering with recovery.  I've been forewarned that I  need to avoid getting discouraged and losing heart because of the suffering that will come.  The pain will subside in time.  The symptoms will not immediately abate following surgery, in part because of the swelling.  But give it time, live through the suffering, and eventually a new and better reality will emerge.

"My President Sang Amazing Grace".  Joan Baez recorded that song remembering the events in Charleston and Barrack Obama's message.

A young man came to a house of prayer
They did not ask what brought him there
He was not friend, he was not kin
But they opened the door and let him in

And for an hour the stranger stayed
He sat with them and seemed to pray
But then the young man drew a gun
And killed nine people, old and young

In Charleston in the month of June
The mourners gathered in a room
The President came to speak some words
And the cameras rolled and the nation heard

But no words could say what must be said
For all the living and the dead
So on that day and in that place
The President sang Amazing Grace
The President sang Amazing Grace

We argued where to lay the blame
On one man's hate or our nation's shame
Some sickness of the mind or soul
And how the wounds might be made whole

But no words could say what must be said
For all the living and the dead
So on that day and in that place
The President sang Amazing Grace
My President sang Amazing Grace

Songwriters: Zoe Mulford

Why do we sing of grace at a time of suffering?

There is a truth that we do not like to acknowledge.  We'd like grace to be a wonderful, happy, blessed and "amazing" experience.  And yet the truth is that suffering is intimately connected to grace.  Grace is a transformative power, but such change only comes in response to suffering and brings with it suffering as the status quo is shaken.  

Perhaps this is the 'costly grace' of which Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote.  I'd suggest there actually is no 'cheap grace'.  Because grace is never experienced apart from suffering.

Whether its in the basement of a church in Charleston, or in my old neighborhood in Minneapolis, the racist powers are on display in our world.  Systemic evil.  We'd like to change it.  And we'd like for that change to come apart from suffering.  It won't.  

Confession, repentance, and penance are necessary suffering.  The hardest words I've ever spoke are "I am an alcoholic."  And the pain our nation is experiencing is similar.  "We are still racist."  When Obama was elected many of us embraced the hope that racism had finally gone away.  After all, we elected a black president, didn't we?  But that presidency triggered the deep divide that remains part of the American soul.  It rips us to the core.  

Grace awaits us, but will not come without suffering.  Healing happens but it comes at a cost.

"Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Jesus knew that grace came at a cost.  Grace and a cross.  "Take up your cross and follow me."

But don't be naive.  Evil will not simply go away.  One of the most distressing things about the Book of Revelation is that it speaks of the great and final battle that will be fought to destroy for all time the powers of evil.  Distressing in that to the end of the age, evil will remain with us.  Racism is not going away.  Nor any of the other plagues that haunt the human experience and soul.

Grace is not the period that marks the end of suffering but the liberation and transformation that we experience in the midst of it, a transcendent experience of rising above it.

Our nation is reeling under the pain and suffering of racism.  But in the midst of the suffering grace will abound.  And where grace abounds suffering is redemptive.  It is hard to say, but the suffering and death of one like Dr. Martin Luther King is at one and the same time both a great evil and a grace filled event redemptive in its scope.  Grace is the power by which goodness rises to the top like cream separates from the milk.  

One final thought.  If we face this struggle with the conviction that we must defeat evil for all time we will be deeply disappointed and lose heart.  Our challenge is to live by grace which means rising above the suffering and pain and being transformed.  Goodness and grace in this way is not the lack of evil, but a response to evil.  The most grace filled words Jesus ever spoke were "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."  These words spoken from the cross in the midst of great suffering are redemptive and transformative, both to Jesus as he spoke them, and to all who hear them. 

Current trends will not continue indefinitely.

There is only one trend that is continuous, and that is that current trends change.

For example, the average birth rate today in the United States is 1.8 children per woman.  In other words, the birthrate is below 2.1/woman, the rate required at a minimum to sustain the population of a people from generation to generation.  In 1960 the average birth rate was 3.65.  What that means is that the birthrate in our country, if current trends continue, will be zero by 2080.  If current trends continue.  It also means that with a birthrate of zero in 2080 then shortly thereafter, in a generation or two, the United States will cease to exist.  If current rates continue.

They won't.

But even if the birthrate continues at its current rate, the population of the United States will only be able to maintain or grow through immigration-- if current trends continue.  It is also true that the highest birthrates globally are among non-white people, meaning that in time white folks will compromise less and less of the world's population-- if current trends continue.

I recently received a piece from one of my church's seminaries that asked the question whether our denomination would cease to exist.  Based on current trends, 2050 is the year we run out of members.  One fact this does point to is that with the birthrate being what it is we are not regenerating membership through births, as we did in years past.  But it also points to a decreasing interest in organized religion across the board.

With regards to current trends, there are shifts in trends that often stabilize, and even reverse themselves over time.  For example, most of the decline in the birthrate in this country occurred between 1960 and 1975.  Two things happened.  The Pill was introduced.  And expectations around women's roles in society shifted.  But the birthrate stabilized after 1975.

In all likelihood, the decline in Church membership will level out at some point, and may even radically change.  A friend speaks of the hope that a Great Awakening will once again transform our land.  Whether this country ever returns to a feverish religiosity remains to be seen, but likely religious participation will stabilize at some point.  And, if in the course of a couple decades we again face the equivalent of two world wars and a great depression there maybe a significant return to faith communities in order to seek comfort and hope during times of trial.

Baring such an awakening, we will likely see leaner years ahead for our congregations and denominations.  Faced with leaner times there will be a fundamental question that will divide religious expressions in the future.  Churches will orient themselves either to the future or the past.  There will be a motivation either to shape the future or hold fast to the past.  My hope is to be involved in a church that is dedicated to shaping the future, not one that attempting to  preserve the remnant of the past.

One irreversible change that has occurred globally is the interaction between diverse cultures and people.  The world is becoming smaller.  And our experience of one another is expanding.  Advances in communication and travel have brought the world closer together resulting in an experience of diversity never before imagined.  When I grew up in Irene, SD, our town was comprised almost exclusively of Norwegian Americans.  The next town over was Danish American.  And so it was across the Great Plains.  During the time of homesteading ethnic groups settled together.  Interaction with other groups and communities was very limited.  The result was a sense of homogeneity.  Irene was Lutheran and exclusively White.

The question for the future will be whether we seek to cling to a tribalism that is a remnant of the past, or embrace a diversity of people that reflects the interaction between people of different ethnic, cultural, political and religious backgrounds.  For the Church the implications are straight forward.  We will either seek to maintain the exclusive claims and closed communities of the past or we will learn to thrive in a world that is pluralistic.  Within the Church we will need to become more ecumenical, beyond the Church we will need to address interfaith relationships, and individually we will have to deal with diversity as a 'next door' issue.

I'm actually excited about the prospects for the future.  I believe that the human experience will be richer for the diversity.  But we will have to get over the desire to mandate a conformity in order to enjoy it.  Religious communities will not even be able to maintain a homogeneity within their own membership ranks.  That's not so bad, unless your compelled to fight about it.

If current trends continue the Church as we have known it in years gone by will indeed die.  We simply will not be able to sustain the Church as a tribalistic community that defines itself over and against everybody else.  This will be especially true as our neighborhoods and families are increasingly shaped by the diversity of the world.  But that's alright.

And remember, homogeneity was ALWAYS an illusion.  The world has ALWAYS been diverse.  The future that is beckoning us is just more aware and accepting of this basic fact of our existence on this planet.

For the love of people. . .

Its that simple.

And that hard.

I've spent a  lot of time contemplating the future of the church.  For years now I have stood in the pulpit and looked out at aging congregations.  Probably the most alarming experience was while I was supply preaching.  I went from congregation to congregation and saw that the graying of our membership was not an isolated instance,by far.  And so I wonder what the church will look like in a decade or two.

I must confess.  As I look back too often I have feared membership loss to the extent that I coddled behaviors and attitudes that deep within my soul I feel are contrary to the Gospel.  The intolerance and judgmental attitudes that have prevailed in many a conversation hardly reflect the love of Christ or the compassion of our God and Father.  Yet in many instances they tithed.

To coddle attitudes because my financial security depends on it is not the most defensible witness to the Gospel.  It may in fact be sinful and so I confess.

One of the core tenants of my faith that has emerged more and more over the years is that if we would know the Creator we ought start by observing the creation for it is near to the heart of God.  And if we do that there is one thing, one very BIG thing that is undeniable.  God loves diversity.  From the landscapes that dot this planet (and the universe) to the flora and fauna of every corner of our world.

And one of the most regrettable tendencies of our human spirit is to limit this diversity and opt for a controlled uniformity.  Nothing is farther from the Spirit of God.  Yet we persist.

You see this in many ways.  Bananas for example.  Worldwide there are about 1,000 different varieties.  And only one that is exported, the Cavendish.  One.  There was a crisis among banana producers in years past.  The one banana that they focused on for production became diseased.  The lack of biodiversity meant that crops worldwide were at risk.  I digress.  If God went to the trouble of creating a thousand different types of bananas, God obviously loves diversity.

And humans also excel at diversity.  A few different varieties. And that makes us uneasy. 

One tendency of education is to impose conformity as opposed to encouraging diversity.  This is especially true of religious education where we are too quick to assume a common path to the divine and a homogeneous human experience.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  When God created us it was not with the intention that you would be me.

Human sexuality is one such example of the diversity of creation.  We are not all the same.  And no one experience can be applied universally without reeking havoc on the individual.  And yet we try.  Perversity is the condition of being different than me. . .

Back to the original point.  Will the church chart a future that imposes conformity or which celebrates the diversity of God's creation? 

Kennon Callahan, a church growth consultant, talks about the 'principle of homogeneity'.  "Birds of a feather flock together."  If you desire to successfully grow a congregation focus on one type of people because few truly can handle diversity. 

What is more important?  To have a successful congregation or to be faithful to the Gospel and the Love of God?

Dare we live in a world in which the Cavendish is not the only  banana and "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" is not the only hymn?  Dare we love each unique individual without the expectation of conformity to a universal norm?  And to be clear, it's not that the Cavendish is a bad banana.  It's just not the only banana.  It's not that being a blond haired, blue eyed, balding and aging man of Norwegian descent is bad.  It's just not the totality of the human experience. 

I wish my church was more diverse.  But I also acknowledge that my church will never be able to be home to the full spectrum of human religious conviction.  There is a place for Baptists, and Pentecostals, and Orthodox, and Catholics, and Jewish people, and Hindus, and Buddhists, and Muslims, and even those whose experience of the divine is at best a question mark. 

What I know is that I can no longer define my faith against others.  It is for the love of people that God brought us forth in all our diversity and one cannot love God while despising those who are created in the Divine Image.

Permission to be. . .Happy

Strange title.  Unless you're bipolar.
I'm making some changes in my life, entering into semi-retirement.  I've left my job at the cabinet shop where I've worked the last four years, am beginning to take some pensions withdrawals, and reopening my own business.

The previous job was difficult.  Up at 3:30 am, hour commute, ten hour days, home at five for supper, then bed.  Day after day.  Drudgery.

I'm done.

In spite of having surgery on Monday for two hernias (thanks to the heavy lifting at my prior job) I've felt better than I have in years.  Really good.

Sound the alarms.

As a bipolar person one cannot help but wonder when you feel good, if you're feeling TOO good.  Actually, Monday following surgery that may have been the case.  Hydrocodone and acetaminophen.  Norco.  I reacted and couldn't sleep all night.  Perhaps a bit high.  I stopped after two doses.  I'll put up with the pain.

But, in general, I'm excited.  Really excited.

My son and I are building a shop.  Lifetime dream.  Its happening.  Excitement.  And with my reopening my business I'm buying a few new tools.  Not an excessive amount.  But a few.  Any new tool is cause for excitement.  A planer.  A sliding miter saw.  A dovetail jig.  Oh, and I'll be building a new assembly table.  Well thought out, and needed.  Not breaking my budget.

But the albatross hanging around the neck of any bipolar person who actually feels good, even great, is mania.  Has my chemical balance shifted? 

My psychiatrist applauds the changes.  She's not concerned.  "Well thought out, rational choices, that make sense."  Not some grandiose scheme to change the world.

And then things are going well at church.  Some welcome developments that should stabilize that congregation for a good while.

So is it alright to actually be happy and excited about life?  I've spent so much of my life pensive and melancholy that I'm just not sure what to do with my self and can't help wondering what's wrong.

Maybe "what's wrong" is just that every things right.

That's a change.

When God opens a door

Persistence and resilience are a mixed bag.  Sometimes those traits have gotten me in trouble as I pushed down a road I probably was not meant to go down in the first place.  Sometimes doors close for a reason.  They've also been a Godsend, allowing me to achieve goals and bounce back from life's pitfalls.  In these instances doors open, sometimes like those automated doors in businesses-- you approach and the door opens.  These are special moments.

Part of my faith is to trust these open doors and to see in them the hand of God leading, guiding, and providing.  It was like that when we went to seminary.  It was really like that when we came to Sandpoint.  And when I went through treatment, left ministry on disability, and began to rebuild my life doors opened along the way.

And now I face another such transition and moving into my retirement years.  This has opened up some possibilities.  Key among them is building a shop and resuming my work in my own business, Olsons WoodWorks.  For a while I encountered roadblock after roadblock, especially with regards to insurance.  Insurers just don't like the exposure of home based businesses.  Or making anything for children.  Or ladders.  Or boats.  Or stools.  Uffda.

But on Friday I received the pledge for the insurance, as well as the go ahead on the shop, and  positive news on the church front.  Every uncertainty seemed to be answered and in the positive. 

Life feels good right now.

One of the most encouraging things is when those trusted friends you count on offer their affirmation.  That's a  good meter, a sanity meter if you will, for judging whether one's judgment passes the smell test.  And to have my psychiatrist weigh in on this and applaud the decision really helped.  Of course, the most important voice to listen to was my wife, whose caution is a good counter to my ambition.

There are many months ahead when I'm sure some uncertainty will remain.  But we move forward in faith and good courage.  I'm reminded again of my prayer, composed  by me during one of my transitions, and to which my heart returns from time to time.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Questions & Answers

One of the most difficult aspects of being bipolar is negotiating the challenges of life, making decisions on important issues, and being certain that those decisions are rational and not part of a manic flurry or depressed fog.  In a manic phase one can be far too bold and optimistic.  "Why do you doubt me and my dreams?" would be an example of the mindset.  In a depressed mode decisions are made, if they are made at all, with a sense of "I have no choice."

I think I'm in a good place.  The questions I wrote about last time are being answered.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
   The answer is yes.  I have a golden opportunity to do that and a major commission with which to start doing the kitchen for my brother and sister in law.
2. If so, should I build a shop?
   My financing has been approved so yes.  I think so.  Unfortunately it won't be done in time to build the kitchen.  But its coming.
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
   This looks favorable right now.  Another congregation is exploring sharing the building with us, and contributing to the cause.  This may result in the congregation being viable again.
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
   I've purchased a dovetail jig.  A planer is also necessary.  Pretty much everything else can wait.
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
   This is less clear.  I guess the answer is 'as much as is necessary to sustain the income as long as I need it.
6. Will my health hold up?
   I hope so.  But I'm getting older.
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
   This hasn't made it to the top of the list with my family doctor.  I'm hoping it's bursitis and will improve once I'm no longer doing as much highly repetitive work on a day to day basis.  (Though there will still be some.)
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
   I'll live with them for a while.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
   My heart tested just fine.  That was a great relief.
   
   What has emerged though is an umbilical and ventral hernia.  Yup, two.  That's an easy surgery and recovery.  Will take care of it.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?
    This is the easiest question.  Living the dream in Sandpoint, being self employed, and enjoying ministry.  Sleeping well.  And enjoying family time again.

I think these decisions and answers pass the smell test.  None of my family are contemplating hauling me into my doctor.  Though I see her on Wednesday.

The bottom line is I'm excited to finish off my working career this way.  In that working in my own shop is what I envisioned for retirement, doing so for a profit is not a bad way to transition into retirement.  

And I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel excited.  Yeah baby.  Life is good.

Decisions

One of the things I've not heard anyone talk about is that while in a manic phase one is much more decisive than at other times.  Depression errs on the side of immobilization.  For me, mania results in a capacity to decide in a rapid fire manner.  Bang, bang, bang, done.

I could use some of that mania now.

There's a lot of  uncertainty at this time.  A lot of decisions looming.  "Make a list!" Karla says.  "Check off one after another until your done."

A list.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
2. If so, should I build a shop?
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
6. Will my health hold up?
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?

Now, if I was in a manic phase I could rattle off decisions fast enough to make your head spin.  This list?  Well except for those  matters waiting for another could all be resolved in about 10 minutes.  

Bottom line.  I currently don't feel well and am not happy with my life.  It doesn't feel like depression.  It feels like circumstances are not what I'd like them to be.  There's a difference.  

I'm tired of setting the alarm for 3:30 each morning.

I'm tired of going to bed at 7:00 pm each evening.

I'd like to be more of a companion for my wife.

I'd like for my woodworking to be more fulfilling.

I'd like to feel healthier.

OK, you get the picture.  

The key to happiness is to identify your passion and follow it.  In relationships.  In work.  In one's leisure time activities.  

That's a better list.  I'll work on it.

No Justification. Not even the economy.

160 years ago slavery, and the overt racism behind it, was justified on the basis of the economy.  And violence against those who would change it was justified.  The Bible was used to justify it. 

Not much has changed.  We have a president who, while claiming he is not racist, lambasts the country with one racist thing after another.  David Duke and other white supremacists see this.  They love it.  People who are Muslim, or Hispanic, or Black feel this.  Crowds at political rallies chant "Send them back!".  Racist.  By the way, sending  minorities back to their country of origin is a central theme of the Aryan Nations.  White, Christian, Nationalism is just a contemporary manifestation of the basic tenets of the white supremacist agenda.  The Church of Jesus Christ Christian is what the Aryan Nations under Richard Butler belonged to.  As a country we should abhor all this, reject it, and work to overcome it.  Racism has no place in a free society.  Racism is sinful.  White Christian Nationalism, if it is not checked, may well destroy both the Church and the Nation.  It is that contrary to both democracy and freedom, as well as the message of Jesus Christ. 

But the economy is good.

The economy was good for slave owners in the South.  It did not justify slavery.  Hitler's rise to power in Germany was closely associated with economic recovery from the Great Depression and the consequences of the Treaty of Versailles.  Bottom line was that Hitler was 'good for the economy'.  That hardly justified the Holocaust. 

Two things are reprehensible about the current state of affairs.  That otherwise good people will continue to support Trump, in spite of his racists attacks, is one of them.  That otherwise good people will oppose any effort to control access to guns as a means of responding to the myriad of mass shootings in our country is another.  And in the most recent shooting in El Paso the two issues are married together. 

But the economy is good.  And we like to collect guns.  So to hell with the loss of life.  We're content to send our "thoughts and prayers".  I can't help but believe that God despises our 'thoughts and prayers'. 

But the economy is good.

Except if you're a farmer or any other of the people affected by Trump's trade wars.

But we don't much care about other people's economic plight.  The economy wasn't good for the slaves in the South.  Just the plantation owners. 

There is no moral justification for racism.  There is no moral justification for callused indifference to the loss of human life.  There is no moral justification for caring more for the economy than the lives and well being of human beings.  No Justification.  None.

I struggle with how to respond.  I live in North Idaho.  Trump is popular here.   Racism is common place.  Guns are BIG.  I tend to politely, quietly, often silently, disagree.  And in doing so I'm part of the problem. 

I have to work with these people, whether in the cabinet shop or when I reopen my own business.  And I hesitate to address the issue head on in my preaching or teaching at church, lest the offerings tank. 

But economic considerations are no justification for doing nothing. 

I can become politically active.  The struggle is that in Idaho, my voice is drowned out by the vast majority in this redder than red state.  My vote counts not at all, except as a protest.  And there is a reason white supremacists have chosen to settle here: racism is widely accepted in this predominantly white society. 

But at least the economy is good. 

Follow your passion, cautiously!

In my psychiatrist's office there is a sign which says "Dream Big, Act Bigger".  We laughed about it as I commented that such advice is not appropriate for a  manic person. One of the most irritating aspects of being bipolar is the lack of confidence one can have in one's own sense of judgment about major life decisions.  It's just so easy to get caught by manic thinking patterns and lose touch with a more reasoned take on life.

I'm tired.  My job at the cabinet shop is wearing on me from two standpoints.  Yes, on the one hand I'm able to help build some rather impressive kitchens in huge homes for famous people (Michael Jordan e.g.)  But a lot of time I'm doing things like making the sticks that fill in the space between one cabinet and the other.  I'm the "Filler King".  It's hard to get passionate about such work.

And second, working ten hour days together with the commute just is grueling.  I'd like to be able to sleep beyond 3 in the morning.  (On a positive note, I'm actually sleeping better these days.)  The reality is that working sixty hours a week between the cabinet shop and the church, plus commuting 12 hours a week, leaves little time for anything else.  And I'm tired.

My mind just keeps going back to this dining set.  It epitomizes the kind of work I have done and am capable of doing.  I want to do that.  I want to feel good about my vocation. 

Together Karla and I are settling in with this decision to return to Olson's Woodworks.  We will proceed cautiously.  Having said that though, there will be a moment when we will need to simply be "all in" on the decision.  I simply can't gradually take on more work in my own shop, while still working at the other.  I don't have enough time in a week.

So the jump will happen.  I will be taking some withdrawals from my pensions account, Karla will sign up for her Social Security, and that will provide a safety net for us.  If the business thrives, no more pensions withdrawals will be necessary.  If it doesn't, we'll have enough to survive.

What do I need?  What purchases must I make to succeed?  And are those purchases really necessary or the fodder of manic thinking?  Having a truck for hauling materials would be handy.  But damn, they are expensive.  (My kids have offered use of theirs, so we'll probably hold off  on this one.)  There are a few woodworking tools that I need.  A thickness planer.  A chop saw.  But any such considerations will always be weighed against my manic pursuit of the CNC last time. 

Again, the lack of confidence in one's own judgment is one of the worst things about being bipolar.  We will see how things play out.

On another matter, my health is gradually improving.  Diagnosed over a month ago now with hypothyroidism I'm on the slow road to recovery.  I takes months for the medication to build up in the system to therapeutic levels, but I've noticed some improvement.  At the very least, I'm able to work a full week these days.  Thank God for simple improvements like that. 

My biggest question is how well will I feel with the new normal.  I look at the energy level of other sixty year olds and I hope.  "I'm far too young to feel so damn old." is my new mantra.  I hope things will get much better. 

Mach es gut!

As I contemplate my vocation, I'm increasingly aware that I'm currently writing the final chapters of my life's work.  I'm already somewhat resigned to the fact that the most challenging and engaging chapters of my ministry are now behind me.  My serving at the little Peace Lutheran in Otis Orchards may still give isolated opportunities for very important ministry, but those opportunities are limited greatly by the size.  I'm at peace/Peace with that.  (pun intended)

My current struggles involve my work as a cabinet maker.  I made a choice a few years back to cease operating my own business in favor of working in a cabinet shop.  At issue was a dependable weekly  source of income.  What I gave up was the craftsmanship associated with building fine pieces of furniture.  My primary responsibilities at the cabinet shop involve making the miscellaneous pieces that join the cabinets together, as well as other things such as closet shelving, etc.

What I'm struggling with is concluding my life's work with the achievement of having become very good at making closet shelves. . .  "Tables, chairs, and oaken chests would have suited (David) best".

One of the things that has changed since my last attempt at a business is that I'm now to the point that I can begin taking some withdrawals from my pensions, if needed.  That, together with Karla taking her social security early would pay our basic living expenses and the income from my business would be extra.  Well, actually, sufficient income from the business would make it unnecessary to take withdrawals from pensions.

I'm also concerned about my health.  Recent thyroid problems have accentuated the fact that my work load is taking a toll.  Getting up at 3 am, leaving the house at 4:45, returning at 5 pm, eating and going to bed at 7 pm is just a grind.

Another issue is my marriage.  We joke about how I go to bed and Karla goes visiting.  It's either that  or she spends every evening alone.  Every evening.  We have dinner together.  But there is precious little time together beyond that.  

Mach es gut!  Make it good!

The bottom line is that health issues have made it clear to me that I'm nearing the end of my career.  A few more years left.  The choices I make now will write the final chapter in my working career.  And the more I contemplate that simple fact, the clearer that I am that making closet shelves is simply not the last thing I want to do with my life.  

Mach es gut.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  Mach es gut.

Good News/Bad News

I think the nurse was caught off guard.  "Oh, my," she said, "your thyroid levels are all out of whack!"  "Thank God." I responded. 

Thank God because I wanted to find a solution to the problems I was experiencing.  Thank God because hypothyroidism is an easily treatable condition, requiring simply a medication, and a cheap medication at that. 

The bad news???  Well, it takes six to twelve weeks for the medication to build up in your body to a full therapeutic level.  Meaning that I simply will not know for another three months how many of the health issues I've been experiencing are directly related to the thyroid and how many are independent issues that also must be looked into.

But for now I'm just relieved that at least some of the issues will be resolved.

Faith and the Future

My current health situation remains a mystery.  I am still waiting for the results of a battery of tests.  Apparently the doctor is in no particular hurry, which indicates to me that nothing gravely serious immediately popped out. 

I feel very fatigued.  My  muscles hurt.  My joints ache.  I've experienced blood pressure as high as 190/128.  And a reduced stamina from all of that makes work difficult, not to mention unsafe.

I remember the advice I once gave to a parishioner undergoing testing.  "We always fear the worst, but it seldom is that bad."  That parishioner died about two months later from a glioblastoma.  OK, well, sometimes it is the worst.

As one with a history of drinking and smoking the fear that creeps in is related to the liver and lungs.  As a precaution chest X-rays were taken.  Based on my symptoms, this is not likely the root of my problems.  But fears remain.

I have a very selfish wish.  I hope that if something is wrong, whatever it is, it not be related to drinking and smoking.  I just don't want to have to deal with people that have the attitude 'you got what you deserved'.  It may be true, but throwing that back in my face doesn't help. 

I have a family history of hypothyroidism and there is a lot of correlation between the symptoms I'm experiencing and those associated with hypothyroidism.  A simple test.  Don't know the outcome yet.  Many of those same symptoms can be side effects of some of the medications I am taking. 

It also occurs to me that fatigue could be the primary problem.  I get up between two and three thirty every morning, leave for work by 4:45, work 10-12 hours, return home for dinner and bed.  Then repeat the cycle.  Even without anything wrong that schedule alone is wearing on me and may account for what I'm feeling. 

Faith.

I think that one of the things I've learned throughout my struggles these last few years is that there is always hope.  And that one has the choice whether to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, or to be sustained by faith and surrounded with peace.  Part of this is the degree to which one feels the compulsion to be in control.  The higher one's need for control, the more significant the anxiety and fear. 

When I went into chemical dependency treatment numerous years ago, there was a point of surrender.  What was unexpected was the peace that came washing over me like a giant breaker at the seashore.  The future was in God's hands, and that was sufficient.

Part of me feels that way now.  We've been wrestling with my vocational direction, and whether semi-retirement is a viable option for me, cutting back a bit.  There is fear and anxiety that comes into play with neither one of us wanting to make the wrong decision.  But there is also a sense of peace that is knocking at the door.  Whether there is something seriously wrong with me, or I am just exhausted and experiencing chronic fatigue, it may be that my body is making the decision for us.  It could be that the question of cutting back is no longer an 'if', but a 'when' and a 'how'. 

Faith.

"Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight."  (Jesus Christ Superstar)

Que, sera, sera.

The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone.

All things are interrelated.  Many connections we just don't understand.  Doing one thing affects another.

I have been having tests done as I'm not feeling well.  ECG.  Chest X-Ray.  Full blood work.  All that stuff.  And on it goes.  "We'll get to the bottom of this."  "Thanks, Doc."

Every joint hurts.  Every muscle aches, and is crampy.  I'm sometimes short of breath, which brings on a panic attack.  Exhaustion and fatigue are such that this last week I've not been able to finish my shift at work numerous times.  Blood pressure has been running as high as 190/130, and that while on my blood pressure meds.  Doubling the dose brought it down but only to about 150/100.  Still not good. I feel  old.

I have my suspicions what is going on.  My mother had zero thyroid function.  Three of my sisters and one brother have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  And last night I read that hypothyroidism is a potential side effect of Lamictal, the med I take for bipolar disorder.  Its also associated with being bipolar, though whether that's a direct correlation or the result of bipolar people being on either lamictal or lithium, both of which can cause hypothyroidism, is unknown.  At least that's what I read.

Taken together it makes me suspicious.  I've informed the Doctor.  He is testing for it.  One can only hope as the cure for that is quite easy in the long run.

All things are connected.

If this were true it would bring up another issue.  When identifying chemical dependency issues in my family of origin, Mom's drug use stands  out.  She would take her thyroid medication in the morning as a "pick me upper" and the take benadryl at night to relax and go to sleep.  All prescribed, mind you.  But nevertheless, dependent on drugs for mood and energy.

I don't like the extent to which I'm becoming that.  I think the tally is up to nine different meds and supplements on a daily basis.  Lamictal for bipolar.  Mirtazapine for depression.  Abilify to make both of those function better.  Rozerem for sleep.  Losartan for blood pressure.  Mobic for joint pain.  Gemfibrozil and fish oil for Cholesterol.  And a vitamin or two because the meds deplete certain vitamins in your body.

I can swallow quite a pile of drugs at one time.  There was a time when that would gag me.

But I'm extremely thankful for them.  I have no clue where I'd be without them.  Miserable or dead.

I hope it doesn't take too long for some positive results to come to the fore in the testing.  And of course, I hope it doesn't reveal something I truly don't want to know.  The lung X-ray, eg.  "In the name of due diligence we should do this. . ."  "Yes, I know, but let's hope my problem isn't lung cancer."  I actually have none of the most pronounced symptoms, but you never know.  But after smoking for as long as I did, I have to confess that every time the tests reveal I'm still cancer free I feel a bit like a kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got away with it.

Well, enough of the lament for this morning.  I'm noticing my knuckles are achy and the muscles in my cheeks are tense.  The list goes on and on.  And so I await a diagnosis.

Growing Older

Inside every older person is a young person wondering 'What the hell happened?'

I feel like that some days.  I have a lot of muscle and joint pain.  I'm not sure what's up, if anything.  That's the internal debate.  Am I just aging?  No, something is not right.  Are you sure?  Everybody has aches and pains.  And on and on the saga goes.

My legs.  I have deteriorating knees.  That I know and I've already had one surgery to cut out a significant portion of the meniscus in one knee.  Dr. says that I don't have significant arthritis in the knees, but, they are sore.  My hips haven't been feeling much better of late.  And then I have this muscle pain most pronounced down the back of my legs and calves.  Sciatica tends to be one side only.  This is both sides.  Feels like a constant low grade cramping.  When I stand up it feels as though I have to slowly stretch out the muscles again in order to stand without pain. 

So I wonder.  One of the things my mother suffered from was hypothyroidism.  And she had much of the same issues.  This is not as common among men but it leaves me wondering.  I also wonder about side effects of some of the  many medications I take.  Or is it just the consequence of putting in ten hour days on my feet on concrete floors?  Or maybe this is just what 62 feels like.

I will probably go to the doctor.  I am skeptical about the outcome. 

__________________________________________________________

I continue to explore the possibility of going back into business.  Olsons WoodWorks.  I enjoyed being in business and have significant investments in tools, etc.  The challenge is to make a living at it. 

One of the things that is frustrating is the difference a screw makes.  Yes, one measly screw.  If I build a cabinet that is screwed into a house, it qualifies for financing and people are OK with the expense.  If I build furniture it is a cash basis, because there is no screw attaching it to a house.  That same screw also results in the necessity of a contractor's license.  Part of the frustration is that I love making dining room furniture.  Contrast the difference between a table and chairs for a dining room, versus the kitchen cabinets.  I can get a lot more money for the cabinets.  The dining set, however, is more work and finer details.  Bottom line, I'll have to do cabinets as well as furniture to make ends meat. 

_______________________________________________________

And retirement.  Part of the consideration about going back into business is that I now have the option of supplementing my income with my pensions.  I found out this last week that Portico Benefits doesn't deal well with the concept of semi-retirement.  I'd like to draw on my pensions, but am still employed by a congregation part-time and they pay for my benefits, including health insurance.  The tricky issue is that health insurance is not normally included for retirees because it is assumed that you will be on medicare.  "Retired but without medicare" is a special underwriting category that is more expensive than anything else.  Argh!

The solution is to simply take withdrawals from my pensions without formally retiring.  Another advantage of that is that I only need take what is necessary. 

Complicating all this consideration is the caution regarding bipolar decision making.  My wife is doubly cautious as it has been known to happen in the past that I've made decisions fueled by my disease that weren't always in the best interest of our well  being.  Let it suffice to say caution is in order.

Choices

Freedom is the capacity to choose.  It is the opportunity to direct the future in the way that makes the most sense to you and will best accomplish your goals.  I'm feeling a deep personal need to exercise that freedom, but it comes with some risk.

I'm not happy working at the cabinet shop.  I still love woodworking and combining my skills as a craftsman with  my love for ministry is working.  But, I'm not happy where I'm working and am contemplating returning to self employment.

Part of it is the shear exhaustion I feel working this schedule.  I rise at 2 to 3 every morning.  I have breakfast, perhaps a little extra sleep, then at 4:15 shower, following which I get into the car at 4:45 to commute to Hayden.  Work starts at 5:30.  Some days I work till 4 pm and return home.  Other days I work till 12:30 and then go and put in four hours or so at church.  I'm pretty exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around however I still write my sermon, prepare a bible study, and then lead worship.

Were I passionate about the work I'm doing at the cabinet shop this might be doable in the long run.  The hard thing though is that the work I'm doing is not particularly rewarding.  That and the work environment is at times horrendous.  The attitudes at work drive me crazy.  And, I'm not happy.

Freedom.  I have choices.  Life doesn't have to be this way.

What I've realized of late is that if I start drawing on my pensions, and my wife takes her social security, I would largely replace the income I've been receiving from the cabinet shop, and should I become self employed again operating "Olsons WoodWorks", all the income from that would be pure gravy.  Icing on top of the cake.  Bottom line is that even if I only made minimum wage, I'd be money ahead of where I am. 

There is risk.  There is some security in being gainfully employed by someone else, and knowing that they have plenty of contracts lined up to provide a steady stream of employment.

But there is another risk.  I've only one life to live.  And not being happy is not the preferred manner that I'd like to live it.

And so I'll evaluate options.  Consult with my dear wife.  Make choices.  And hopefully create a better tomorrow for my wife and I.

Mom: "Love the ones you're with."

After we had grown and gone our separate ways, Mom took stock of her life and made a very conscious decision.  She recognized that her children were not likely to ever live close to her.  That being the case, she determined to 'adopt' adult children to relate to.  It became one of the things that gave her life meaning.  "If you can't be with the ones you love, love the ones you're with."

I'm not even sure how many 'children' Mom had.  I know that she and Dad tended to take a special interest in young pastors in their cluster.  There were two families in Wessington Springs that became quite close.  Paul and Robyn, friends of mine from college, remained part of the family for years.  I've reflected a bit on this, and I've come to the conclusion that two things were very important for mom.  One, she had a deep need for loving and nurturing relationships, and two, she clearly wanted to make a difference in people's lives.

Life was not always easy for mom.  Later, when I had shared that I was receiving psychiatric treatment she remarked, "I've often thought that there were times in my life that I might have benefited from that."  Unfortunately for mom, she lived at a time and in a place where psychiatric care was not very accessible.  She ended up doing a bit of self medicating.  Throughout her life she took thyroid because of a deficiency, but clearly used it as a 'pick me up' in the morning.  She also had a running prescription for Benadryl which served as her sleep medication and cure all.  Later in life she would turn to alcohol as a sleep aid, and to 'cure' what was ailing her.  Chemical dependency issues run in families.  It was one legacy that I inherited.

Mom struggled to provide for us throughout the years, making do on a pastor's salary.  Her father was a reasonably well to do 'agri-businessman'.  She resented the poverty of ministry.

One of my early childhood memories was that Mom had determined to collect a silver dollar for each of the six of us, dated for our birth year.  One day, mom sent a couple of us to the store to buy a few things for supper.  She handed us Tim's silver dollar.  It was the only money they had to their name.

During that same time, Dad hunted to put meat on the table.  In 1962 he shot a big bull elk.  Big.  And tough.  Memories from that year included mom beating the meat with a tenderizing hammer, trying in vain to make it edible.  Hamburger stew had to be pressure cooked.  When the hamburger is tough. . .

Mom taught school for three years while we lived in Irene, SD.  We had a '64 Mustang at the time, which Mom would rev up to get started in the morning.  "Mustang Sally" was what my friends nicknamed her.  Mustang Sally.

One of the greatest joys of Mom's life was the lake place.  Grandpa and Grandma Michaelson's estate had been put in "Better Farms", the family corporation, and year after year they'd make distributions which Mom and Dad put toward the purchase of the 'cabin'.  There she was in her element.  She loved hosting people there.

Finally, one of the memories I am most humored by was Mom's desire for grandchildren.  When Arden and Kathryn, or Karla and I, would come home to visit mom would make sure and place a clock radio in the guest room, and would inform us that she'd had found this to be very beneficial for when she and dad needed privacy.  .  .  She also knitted a cute Raggedy Anne and Andy afghan which was designated for the first grandchild.  Karla and I ended up delivering Katie as the first grandbaby.  It was also great that my first call was in Thompson Falls, seventy miles from Mom and Dad's, so for a brief while they could be near us and their grandchildren.  

I dare say that those years as the grandchildren were coming into the world, one by one, were the happiest years of mom's life.  

Miss you Mom.

Resilience and the art of bouncing back

"You certainly have resilience cornered. . ."

These are the words of a Facebook friend, familiar with my blogs, and I appreciate them.  My response was that if you get knocked on your butt often enough you either die or learn to bounce back.  The latter is preferable. 

This is not the first time I've been associated with that word/concept.  One of my friends once said "You win the 'landing on your feet' award for this year."  My bishop once remarked "Your resilience continues to amaze me."

OK, well, so enough already.  Resilience is not a trait that I'd encourage people to cultivate, simply because it involves getting up after being knocked down, and I'd spare you that.  But the truth is life will not always spare us the hard knocks.  And I guess, getting up again is a good thing.  But being knocked on your butt is not.

Twenty years ago I wrote this prayer.  It continues to speak to me.

Hold me tight, most precious Lord,

That I might follow you.

Grant me grace to live each day,

May I be born anew.

Lift me up whenever I fall,

And never let me fade

From the grace filled light

Of your own sight

That turns the night to day.

Part of this resilience thing goes hand in hand with being bipolar.  That cycle of mania and depression, over and over again, has the look and feel of resilience.  C'est la vie.

Been a little depressed lately.  Nothing overwhelming.  Just down.  

I've found myself looking forward to retirement.  One of the things I look forward to is being on a 'fixed income'.  For many people, 'fixed income' is viewed as a negative.  I  look forward to the day that I can count on that income, month after month.  It will ease a lot of pressure.

I realize now that there are two things I really don't like about ministry.  First, I don't like the feeling that there can be a direct link between the nuances of my preaching and the level of the offerings.  People vote with their checkbooks too much, I think.  I'm not sure if this is fact.  But at times it feels like it.  Offerings are down and I wonder 'what did I say?'  

The second thing I don't like is having to censor myself regarding issues that are extremely important to me.  I'm tired of it.  "Your not in favor of homosexuality, are you?"  OK, so I didn't anticipate how significant this would be throughout the thirty years of my ministry.  But these are the times we are living in.  OK, so take a deep breath, Dave, and let it out slowly.  LGBTQ does not refer to an issue that we are in favor of or opposed to, but rather to people that we are called to love unconditionally, as Jesus first loved us.  We all stand before God utterly dependent on grace, so just get over it already.  Just get over it.

I'll say it again.  This is not an issue we're fighting about, but people we are to love and care for.  

Enough, already.  I'll get ready for church now.  I'm preaching on "Simon, do you love me?"  

The one thing I do not look forward to in retirement, whenever that comes, is not preaching.  I love to preach.  

Easter and The Sufferings of this Present Time

1:30 AM, a silent stillness engulfs the world. 

It's transitioned from Holy Saturday to Easter Sunday.  Jesus would be finishing up his mission to Hades, where he preached the Gospel to those who were captive among the dead, there.  "The Harrowing of Hell" is what it has been called.  Not talked about much though it is in our Apostles' Creed.  The basic belief is that Christ, in between the time he died on the cross and was raised from the dead, descended to the place of the dead and shared the Good News with them.  Always an opportunity for Grace.

Meanwhile, on this side of death we await Easter morning.

Romans 8, a great Easter text, is speaking to me this morning:

18 I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; 20 for the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labor pains until now; 23 and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

 The sufferings of this present time.  It is the nature of suffering that though it is always somewhat transient, it seems in the moment to be almost eternal.  "Groaning in labor pains. . ."  What a perfect image of suffering.  Four times Karla went through labor.  From the first braxton hicks contractions through the final push it was always, an extended time.  In that moment, the suffering seemed as though it would never stop.  In hindsight, while compared with the life we've shared since then with our children, the suffering is rightfully seen as just a momentary affliction. 

I've been away from this blog.  I gave up writing this particular blog as I was busy with my Lenten preparations and needed the time to write my second sermon, each week. 

But there has been another factor in play.  I am well.  Well except for the fact that it is 1:30 in the morning and I'm up and at it writing.  Aside from that. . .

 we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

Easter.  Its about the redemption of our bodies.  The healing of our souls.  And not only us, but the whole creation.  Earth's own scars will heal.  I write those words and imagine the Berkeley Pit in Butte.  Healed.

There is no lack of images portraying the suffering and death of Christ.  His glorious resurrection and the redeemed body of the Risen Lord have escaped our imagination and representation. 

We've seen death and know its appearance.

We have not seen resurrection.

Perhaps that is what makes hope so difficult for those who suffer.  The sufferings of the present time are so real.  We understand that experience, as horrific as can be.  And yet while we dwell within our suffering, we have no concept of what resurrection and healing truly means because we have not yet experienced that.

Yet the early light creeps up over the horizon this Easter morning.  We are tickled by hope. 

I am aware that my life has likely entered the third trimester. The burdens will continue to increase as the time grows nearer.  But what is yet to come?  What does birth hold for us.  What will the redemption of our bodies look like?

 I write these words from the very spot my father died.  I have a sense he didn't look back. 

Grief or Hope.  That seems to be the only two possibilities with which to mark the passing of each day of our lives.  Grief reigns if we are consumed with a sense of the finality of death, and life's end.  Hope reigns when we believe the best is yet to come. 

And so I declare, this early morning before the light dissipates the darkness:

Christ is Risen!

He is Risen, Indeed!

Alleluia! 

Yes, Bishop, I'm a prime example.

My Bishop recently wrote an article about self care, specifically taking time off. I'm a prime example. Clergy don't do a good job of this, often tending to others and neglecting themselves.  And for some of us, it's even more complicated.

I'm up this morning too early.  I woke up a few times, and finally got up at about 1:15.  I look for reasons for this.  Taking pseudoephedrine.  I've been battling a cold, or allergies, and have taken pseudoephedrine.  That is enough to do it.  I am also a Seahawks fan and was following the Russell Wilson contract situation.  They reached an agreement late last night.  I found myself checking on the progress every time I woke up.  And part of it is just plain insomnia that continues to plague me.  Self care and taking time off.  Just sleeping would be a good start.

I was bad at this when I was full time in the ministry.  When I went on disability I had accumulated a full three months of unused vacation time.  Much of this accrued during the building of Luther Park.  I just didn't take time off.

My lesson?  Eventually you will.  If being disabled and off work for a couple of years is what you want, just keep up with that schedule.  It caught up with me.

My life now has not made it any easier.  I work a forty hour week at the cabinet shop, and then add twenty hours at church.  Add to that the twelve hours a week I spend commuting And there is not a lot of time for self care.  I need to use my vacation at church, but that puts a burden on them that I tend to avoid.  But mainly, I only get a week off per year from the cabinet shop.  That restricts me.  For my coworkers, this is not so bad as they work four tens, and have a three day weekend.  Not me.  I am able to take Friday afternoons and Saturdays off, and I do so religiously. 

I fear that there is not an easy solution for the next few years until retirement.  So yes, Bishop Kristen, I hear you.  I just don't see an easy solution.

Otherwise, I'm doing well.  Overworked, but well.

One Thing leads to another.

It's been nearly six and a half years since I had my last drink.

It's been over six months since I've had my last cigarette.

Now it's time to start thinking about what I will do, not what I won't.

Doctors have been nagging at me.  They have this crazy notion that I should exercise.  One of my responses has been to be amused that I, who am engaged in a physically active job 40 hours a week, am being told by someone that works in an office setting, that I need more physical activity.

It's all about the heart, though.  They want to see me get involved in cardio workouts.

Exercise has been a challenge for me as I have grown older.  I inherited my Father's heart, and my Mother's knees.  I've already had knee surgery.  Replacements, I'm told, are in my future but not yet.  I've had my mitral valve repaired.  

In years gone by I walked.  I mean really walked.  Sometimes for hours at night as it was my therapy.  I would walk until I was tired enough to sleep.  Mile after mile.  Hour after hour.  Then the knees gave out.  Walking became more limited.  Then I began work at the cabinet shop.  On my feet on concrete floors 10 hours a day.  The couch looked better.  

Alas, there are few cardio workouts to be had on the couch.

And I'm gaining weight.  230 pounds for a man that's 6' 4" is not gross obesity by any means, but I now feel my belly when I bend over.  It has become a bit of an obstruction.  A major contributing factor is that I've quit smoking.  My doctor tells me that I'd have to put on a hundred pounds to counteract the positive gains of quitting smoking.  So up next on my agenda is exercise.

Walking is a challenge anymore due to my knees.  The uneven surfaces leave my knees just aching for days after a walk of any length.  The thought of taking a hike causes me to wince.  

So I've been researching the best cardio workouts that are low impact and non-weight bearing.  If I could stand swimming, that'd be ideal.  I don't have the time to go to the pool on a regular basis.  And I hate swimming.  Neither bodes well for success.

My research has led me to this.

This is a "Inspire CS3 Cardio Strider".  Basically a recumbent elliptical machine.  It's ideal for aging folks with bad joints.  I'm saving up my pennies.

I have numerous reactions to this.  First of all, I'm humored that the fitness equipment that's suitable for me is found in rehab facilities more than gyms.  I'm not 32 anymore.  Secondly, it's funny how I react to the cost.  Do I want to spend a couple grand on something like this????  Note:  I spent considerably more than that each year on Scotch, and also even more on smoking.  Why is it that we can justify our vices more than our attempts to improve ourselves?

A big issue of course is whether I can be disciplined about using it.  

In my parents I have two role models.  My mother could never stick to an exercise routine.  Occasionally she walked with Dad, but that didn't last long.  My Dad, however, was compulsive about his walks.  Every afternoon before supper he'd head out.  I remember standing outside the senior housing complex where he lived talking with the chaplain.  Dad walked by.  "We can set our clocks by his schedule." she remarked. 

I think my wife is sceptical about my 'sticktoitiveness", (yes that's a word). I stuck to smoking for quite a while (44 years to be exact) and drinking (long enough to become a problem), and therapy (long enough that I've nothing more to talk about) and a few other things as well.  I'm optimistic.

There are other things I'd rather have.  I thought about buying a new set of golf clubs with some of my inheritance, as that's something Dad and I enjoyed together.  But I won't have a lot of time to golf until retirement.  But man there are some golf clubs out there that are sweet.  And sometime soon we'll be in the market for new living room furniture.  So I could cater to my couch potato side by buying a new couch. . .

Bottom line, I'm hoping to take some steps (literally) that will enable me to age well.  I hope to live a long and ACTIVE life.  But first comes taxes.  Got to pay the taxes.  And do some maintenance on the house.  Then the exercise equipment.  Patience.