Decisions

One of the things I've not heard anyone talk about is that while in a manic phase one is much more decisive than at other times.  Depression errs on the side of immobilization.  For me, mania results in a capacity to decide in a rapid fire manner.  Bang, bang, bang, done.

I could use some of that mania now.

There's a lot of  uncertainty at this time.  A lot of decisions looming.  "Make a list!" Karla says.  "Check off one after another until your done."

A list.

1. Do I go back to work in my own business, Olsons Woodworks?  
2. If so, should I build a shop?
3. What does the future hold for me regarding ministry?  Will Peace survive for the long term.  Is it's viability more limited than that?  What options are there, if any?
4. What tools are necessary at this time if I go back into business?
5. How much of an investment is appropriate given a limited amount of years left to work?
6. Will my health hold up?
7. The pain in my shoulder. . .is it bursitis, or bone spurs, or. . .?  Will it require surgery?  Can I continue long term with the repetitive motions associated with woodworking?
8. And what about my knees?  Their soreness is not helped by hours on end on concrete.
9. And then there is the small matter of my heart.  X-rays showed slight enlargement.  I've experienced some shortness of breath.  Big issue?  Small matter?  Time will tell.
10. And finally, there's the question of desire.  What would make me, and Karla, happy and satisfied in the coming months and years?

Now, if I was in a manic phase I could rattle off decisions fast enough to make your head spin.  This list?  Well except for those  matters waiting for another could all be resolved in about 10 minutes.  

Bottom line.  I currently don't feel well and am not happy with my life.  It doesn't feel like depression.  It feels like circumstances are not what I'd like them to be.  There's a difference.  

I'm tired of setting the alarm for 3:30 each morning.

I'm tired of going to bed at 7:00 pm each evening.

I'd like to be more of a companion for my wife.

I'd like for my woodworking to be more fulfilling.

I'd like to feel healthier.

OK, you get the picture.  

The key to happiness is to identify your passion and follow it.  In relationships.  In work.  In one's leisure time activities.  

That's a better list.  I'll work on it.

Choices

Freedom is the capacity to choose.  It is the opportunity to direct the future in the way that makes the most sense to you and will best accomplish your goals.  I'm feeling a deep personal need to exercise that freedom, but it comes with some risk.

I'm not happy working at the cabinet shop.  I still love woodworking and combining my skills as a craftsman with  my love for ministry is working.  But, I'm not happy where I'm working and am contemplating returning to self employment.

Part of it is the shear exhaustion I feel working this schedule.  I rise at 2 to 3 every morning.  I have breakfast, perhaps a little extra sleep, then at 4:15 shower, following which I get into the car at 4:45 to commute to Hayden.  Work starts at 5:30.  Some days I work till 4 pm and return home.  Other days I work till 12:30 and then go and put in four hours or so at church.  I'm pretty exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around however I still write my sermon, prepare a bible study, and then lead worship.

Were I passionate about the work I'm doing at the cabinet shop this might be doable in the long run.  The hard thing though is that the work I'm doing is not particularly rewarding.  That and the work environment is at times horrendous.  The attitudes at work drive me crazy.  And, I'm not happy.

Freedom.  I have choices.  Life doesn't have to be this way.

What I've realized of late is that if I start drawing on my pensions, and my wife takes her social security, I would largely replace the income I've been receiving from the cabinet shop, and should I become self employed again operating "Olsons WoodWorks", all the income from that would be pure gravy.  Icing on top of the cake.  Bottom line is that even if I only made minimum wage, I'd be money ahead of where I am. 

There is risk.  There is some security in being gainfully employed by someone else, and knowing that they have plenty of contracts lined up to provide a steady stream of employment.

But there is another risk.  I've only one life to live.  And not being happy is not the preferred manner that I'd like to live it.

And so I'll evaluate options.  Consult with my dear wife.  Make choices.  And hopefully create a better tomorrow for my wife and I.

Rare and Wonderful Pleasures

"Have fun!" Kersten said.  "Well it should be humorous." was my reply.

I had the opportunity yesterday to join my two sons for a round of golf.  We went out to the Idaho Club north of town to try out the new  course.  For Dieter it was a return home to the course that he played in high school, only it was totally redone, a Jack Nicklaus designed course now, and far more challenging.  Back when it was the Hidden Lakes golf course Dieter had recorded two hole in one's.

A quick anecdote about that.  Dieter used to show up at the golf course and just get paired up with whoever the club house could pair him up with.  Golfing with one gentleman one day, Dieter took a 'gimme', to which the gentleman objected.  Irritated, and with the attitude 'game on then', Dieter proceeded on the next hole to hit a hole in one.  No gimme needed.  On the eighteenth hole, a par five, Dieter again holed out, this time on his approach from over a hundred yards.  When they got back to the club house the gentleman's response was "Who the hell is this kid you paired me up with?"  For the next few weeks the golf pro would introduce Dieter at the first tee as "Tiger Woods".

Well, for Jens and I it's a different story.  Yesterday, Dieter was in rare form, driving the ball over three hundred yards consistently, and in the fairway.  Jens and I surpassed Dieter only in terms of the opportunity we had to experience a variety of scenic locations.  The course Nicholas designed is challenging, with very tight fairways and lots of water.  Not to mention that the lake was at flood stage adding even more water.  The balls we lost probably cost as much as the round itself, or so it seemed.  And yet each of us had a few good shots, a few good holes, and a lot of fun.

Rare and wonderful pleasures.

Our oldest, Katie, is finishing up her school year as an elementary music teacher.  A musical, concerts, and the day to day antics of her kids.  She shared on Facebook a few weeks back:

"When you have been working at building something for years, it is exciting when it suddenly catches on and takes on a life of its own.

Thinking about that with our musical and how it has become a part of the school culture all the things that my staff and parents and the community just jump in and do to make it a great experience for the kids. (Today I totally spaced the Safeway run I was supposed to make for our cast party, with a donation from Safeway, that another staff member requested for the kids, asked the parents to help and within 3 minutes had 4 families willing to take time out of their day to do it.)

AND WHOA how is Vivace Camp taking off!!! I have been getting new ones registered every day. With one more registration we'll top last years numbers, and if you add in the campers whose parents say they'll be there but haven't turned in paperwork... we only have 10 spots left?!? Crazy!"

To witness the joy of my daughter's vocational accomplishments is a rare and wonderful pleasure.

And Dieter is here with his new bride, Dayna.  It's an interesting experience welcoming new members into our family.  It's like childbirth all over again, yet without the morning sickness, the agony of labor, the sleepless nights and the dirty diapers.  A new daughter who is well on the way to being a 'finished product'.  Dayna and Dieter found gems in each other.  We couldn't be happier for them.

Rare and wonderful pleasures.

This weekend we had the pleasure of being with Jens and Kersten Friday evening when they got the news that their offer on a new house was approved.  Another milestone in their building a life together as a family, centered around our first grandson, Jasper.  Excitement.  Ker's work as a nurse is going well and Jens has begun a new adventure working to buy Sandpoint Computers.

To be able to share these experiences on a day to day basis, especially watching Jasper grow before our eyes, is a rare and wonderful pleasure.

And then there is Brita.  She just returned from another adventure, this time biking the North Shore of Lake Superior with a friend.  For the record, Minnesota readers, Brita related that for as much as people rave about the North Shore, in her opinion its nothing compared to the lakes and mountains of the Rocky Mountain west.  She loves where she lives and works, and is mindful that many people work for a lifetime to be able to retire here, and this is her home.

One of the delights to me about this is that after moving quite a bit early on in my seminary and ministry days, I came to Sandpoint with the hope to set down roots in this community so that my two youngest children might have the experience I never had, which is to have a place called "home".  Jens and Brita are not sojourners in this place.

It is a rare and wonderful pleasure.

And Karla and I get to take it all in.  Karla will accompany the kids on a bike ride down the Hiawatha trail in the Silver Valley later today.  Me, I get to preach again about the inclusive love of God that know no borders or barriers.  Above all we have the precious experience of seeing Jasper's face light up whenever we see him.  

Rare and wonderful pleasures.

I realize that this all sounds a bit like a Christmas newsletter and may carry a tone of bragging.  For me it is simply a matter of being overwhelmed with gratitude for the life that is unfolding before our very eyes.  What a rare and wonderful pleasure it is to step back and realize that you have everything you could have ever wanted.  Oh, there is more to come, I'm sure.  Additional new members of our family.  Challenges to be overcome, and accomplishments to celebrate.

Often I have written in this column about the difficulties of negotiating through life as a bipolar person.  There are challenges.  

But life is good.  I am not defined by my disease.  

I have many times thought that if my life is to be judged, I would most like to be judged on the basis of the children Karla and I have raised.  They are, I believe, our greatest accomplishment.  Having said that I feel a need to acknowledge that God is their creator, not Karla or I, so it is not right to take too much credit.  But what the heck, you get the point.

What too often gets lost amid all the wrestling with a disease such as bipolar disorder is the abundance of priceless blessings that are there to be enjoyed.  

Wow!   Just wow!  Rare and wonderful pleasures.

Daring to have Joy

When mood swings are the problem, then one's tendency is to be concerned when one experiences either the highs or the lows associated with this disease, bipolar disorder.  Treating depression is a no brainer.  No one wants to feel that way.

But the struggle is what do you do at the other end of the spectrum?  

Currently, I am not depressed.  There is part of me that believes that thanks to the effectiveness of my medications I am at a point of a healthy balance.  I feel joy, yes joy, pure joy, in a way I haven't for years.  I catch myself smiling.  And wonder what's up.  Its been a while.  

Our lives are changing.  Over the last few years I've been limited in my ability to work and earn a livable wage.  We've been dependent on my wife's paycheck and my disability benefits.  Those stopped last year at this time, and a job opportunity opened up for me at a cabinet shop.  Today, I am anticipating resuming my pastoral ministry.  In addition to my work as a cabinet maker I will be serving a small congregation on a half time basis.  

This is a Godsend for us for it comes at a time when due to a variety of circumstances my wife chose to resign her position and is now unemployed.  For the time being I am the sole breadwinner in the house-- and it feels good for my ego.  Not that I delight in my wife's situation, but just to be here, once again, where I am earning enough to support my family is a good feeling.  Joyful, even.  

Energy is bubbling up inside of me.  I am planning on working close to full time at the cabinet shop, and half time in ministry.  Sounds like a lot, but the actual hours will be similar to what I often worked in ministry alone.  Most notably, as opposed to when I was disabled by depression, unable to even shower without effort, I now am quite convinced that I can do this.  And enjoy this.

The problem is that highs can be too high.  I have to be careful.  I have to monitor myself.  The call to return to ministry is neither a call to be a savior, nor to grandiose endeavors and quests.  Mania feels good,  too good, and one must guard against it and be wary of it.  

But what becomes of joy in living?

Exuberance.  Can we experience that without fear that it will give way to mania?  

One of the concerns I have is that fear of mania will deprive me of the opportunity to enjoy normal states of joy and delight.  I am convinced that I need to overcome that fear.  There are things that one can enjoy, without reservation, even if one is bipolar.  

And so I will march onward.  One day at a time.  And simply be thankful that the clouds of depression have lifted.  And pray that the other extreme is not looming near on the horizon.