"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."

Ah, the journey to be free of chemical dependency.  (Although my son, the chemical engineer, would probably point out that we are all chemically dependent, its just a matter of which chemicals we are dependent on.)  Also, as one who is dependent on medications, being free of chemical dependency is probably never going to happen.  The goal is to be free from dependency and addiction to harmful chemicals, as in alcohol and nicotine.

"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ." 

Whether one is an alcoholic or a smoker there is a pattern that has a grip on you.  Craving, followed by satisfaction.  It's the feeling of satisfaction that is so compelling. 

For those of you who have never drank or smoked, this feeling is quite similar to hunger, and being filled.  We don't think about this much, but imagine a life where you never experienced hunger, or thirst, and the satisfaction that comes from eating or drinking.  Something would be missing.

It is this emptiness, this lack of satisfaction, that is one factor that keeps people addicted to alcohol and/or tobacco.  Also contributing to this, of course, is that the cravings continue for a significant period of time after the consumption has stopped.

As I continue to quit smoking, one thought that I have is that I wish a deep breath, clear and full, had the same degree of satisfaction that dragging on a cigarette does.  I've reduced my smoking to the point that I am very conscious of an improvement in my respiration, and you'd think 'breathing' would be a sufficient reward, but it doesn't have the same craving/satisfaction factor that smoking does.  I suppose this is because I have not yet experience emphysema or other such breathing disorders.  I hope not to.

Another struggle is that smoking is a response to outside challenges.  It's a place to go, a thing to do, in response to life's struggles.  Feeling irritated?  Have a smoke, you'll feel better.  Feeling anxious?  A smoke will calm the nerves.  Anger?  Step back, relax, smoke, and it will subside.

Now some who have never smoked will say that smoking cannot do all this.  And yet for those of us who have we readily used smoking as a coping mechanism.  It was an effective diversion.  Rather than lash out in anger, we smoked.  When one is quitting this is especially noticeable.  If my wife does anything that irritates me the immediate response of my system is to crave a smoke.  Of course, then I have someone else to blame for my smoking.  That's the addictive mindset.

I have a quit smoking app on my iPhone.  Of course, there is one.  What dimension of life is not addressed by a smart phone app? 

One of the things the app does is tell you how your health is improving with each passing hour of being smoke free.  Pulse rate: back to normal.  Oxygen levels:  back to where they should be.  Carbon monoxide:  gone from your system.  Breathing: normal.  Energy levels: improving.

It also has a clock that records the days, hours, and minutes since the last smoke.  This is something that was effective when I stopped drinking as well.  There are other features.  It keeps track of the time and money you save not smoking.  It has you set a goal for what you are going to do with that money.  (I'd like to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs in anticipation of my retirement years.)  And then, it records how many additional hours of life you are projected to have by quitting smoking.  Everything helps.

And yet Mick Jagger's song still rings in my ears.  "I can't get no, satisfaction. . ." 

If it was easy, everyone would stop.

Jerry Kramer, inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, related the advice of a coach of his back when he was at Sandpoint High School.  "You can if you will."

I'll close with that.

You can if you will.

Path to Freedom-- Addiction II

Last week I wrote:

"And so the battle begins.  Can someone like myself, who has battled addiction throughout my adult life be free?  Can I do so without complicating other areas of my life, such as my metal health and tendency toward depression?"

I am in the process of stopping smoking.  I wish I was at the point that I could say I'm done, over it, free and clear, but the reality is it is going to take more time.

One of the difficulties of breaking free from smoking that has plagued me over the years is that it is so easy to feel like you're failing.  And rather than fail, just don't try.  It's not unlike my experience drinking.  When I was in treatment, they asked "Well, how many times have you tried to stop and relapsed?"  My response was a simple "None."  I had never relapsed because I had never tried to stop. 

With smoking it has been a different story.  I've tried numerous times, but failed.  And feeling like a failure is the number one reason for abandoning the effort. 

I'm following my psychiatrist's advice this time in recognizing that this is a process and specifically, I was too heavy of a smoker (pack and a half a day) to have much of a chance going cold turkey.  The body simply needs some time to adjust.  Or it is at least easier, in her opinion, to decrease and then stop.

Over the course of the last week, I've succeeded in drastically reducing the number of times I smoked, but I haven't succeeded in totally stopping.  It's easy to feel a failure because of that, but in truth, a few cigarettes a day is a lot better than over 30.  I refuse to succumb to feeling a failure when in fact I'm succeeding in moving toward my goal. 

The most difficult time is at work.  We can't smoke in the shop, but breaks are extremely difficult.  "Where have you been?" my colleagues with whom I smoked at break asked.  "I'm trying to quit."  "We miss you, but hope you never come back."  Were it not for work, I'd have progressed more than I have.  This last week I chose to have one smoke, as opposed to three or four, during break.  And a smoke before I started and after I finished.  Five a day.  Much better than 30.  And next week will be better.

One of the struggles with quitting smoking at work is that the smoke break represents such a welcome relief to the drudgery of the job.  And there is a now or never element in play regarding breaks. 

It is getting easier, and the times I do smoke are less satisfying.  This is different this time.  One of the difficulties I experienced before is that as I cut down, the occasions I did smoke produced a level of satisfaction much greater than when I was constantly smoking.  So I'm hopeful.

I am not failing.  That's something I have to remind myself about.  The first step in ceasing my smoking habit actually came, at the recommendation of my doctor, last year.  "Dave, just try not smoking in your car."  Her advice, coupled with having just bought a new car, provided the incentive.  I haven't smoked in the car since.  Now that might seem like a small victory, but when one spends a couple of hours a day commuting, and when one smoked almost continuously during the commute, it was a big deal.  But I succeeded in that step toward freedom.

Now its all about going the rest of the way.

The benefits are already showing up.  My lungs are noticeably clearer.  The persistent cough has gone away.  And in the back of my mind I start wondering if perhaps I might one day die in old age from something other than smoking related causes. . .

And yet there are miles to go before this journey is done.  I'm using the patch.  (I know that one is not supposed to smoke at all when on the patch, and that's my goal, but I tell myself that I've already reduced my smoking by nearly a pack and a half a day, so it's not so bad.)  Oh, and I will not let you tell me I'm failing.  If I listened to those voices, I'd be back at it in an instance.

The purpose of using the patch is to allow one to address the behavioral aspects of quitting first, and then gradually reduce the amount of nicotine to become, over time, free from the chemical dependency.  Physically, withdrawal actually occurs as the dosage is decreased.  My pharmacist used to recommend against the patch, or other nicotine replacement therapies, as they are merely "alternative delivery systems",  Well, that kept me from trying, more than once.

There are medications that can help.  "Hah, been there tried that."   Amongst all the different meds I have been put on, those that help with smoking withdrawal have also been tried, for other reasons.  They resulted in an increase in seizure activity.  And so my psychiatrist has been very clear, that is not an option.   Period.

And so I continue down this course.  Yesterday I had two smokes.  Today, I'm going to try limiting myself to one.  That is a major accomplishment for me.  And one day, it will be none.  And then the next.  None.  And finally, I hope to be where I now am regarding drinking.  No desire,  No craving.  No longer an issue. 

Hope springs eternal.