Blessings and Hope

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post and I must admit that I wondered what I might say this morning.  There have been so many times over the last few years that there were such significant concerns to write about.  But today, life is good.

First of all, I continue my ongoing effort to wean myself from my smoking habit.  I've smoked for a long time, and this time, I've decided that I will succeed in breaking the habit.  I'm using the patch and that has been effective in allowing me to greatly reduce my smoking.  I struggle still with eliminating the smoking entirely.  It's not the nicotine fix that is the problem.  It is the pattern and behavioral issues.

Let's see, I've smoked for over 4 decades.  And virtually every single time I had the opportunity for a break from work, or study, or anything, I smoked.  That is what you do on break.  That is the hardest thing to overcome.  Last week we spent four days on a trip to Bend to visit my brother and sister-in-law.  Four days and no smoking whatsoever.  Probably the only challenge was golfing.  It struck me that golfing eighteen holes without either a smoke, or a beer, was quite a new thing.  It was fine.

But then this week it was back to work.  The most difficult thing about altering the behavior at work and smoking on breaks is, ironically, that we cannot smoke at work.  So when I show up to work at 5:30 am, I know that I will not have the opportunity to smoke again until 9:00 am.  And then at 11:30, and 2:00 pm.  At issue is a lifetime of making sure that I took advantage of the opportunities that I had to smoke so as not to experience a nic fit.  The patch takes care of the nicotine withdrawal.  It's the behavioral modification that remains an issue.  Still, I am delighted with my progress so far.  A few smokes a day is better than a pack and a half.

But a clear break is going to be necessary.  My goal?  I see my psychiatrist in mid August.  She's the one who has cared for me from the moment I entered chemical dependency treatment till now.  I'd love to be able to report to her that I have succeeded in quitting smoking.  But one of the things I will not do is set an absolute date.  Some may disagree with this.  My reason goes back to countless efforts to quit smoking over the years and attempts at going cold turkey.  What would happen is that I'd 'quit', and then amid the struggles of withdrawal, give in and have a smoke.  This would result in my feeling that I had failed, and so I'd resume smoking again.

Today my attitude is that every smoke I do not have is a victory, even if I continue to have a few.

But the goal is none.  It's just going to require diligence.  And not getting discouraged or allowing myself to feel a failure because I don't live up to other's or my own hopes and expectations.  And also, I rejoice that even now, my lungs are clear and the cough I've been experiencing is gone.

A byproduct of this effort is that I am sleeping better.  I'm not sure that I woke up to smoke, but when I woke up I always smoked.  Now, at 1:15 am I've discovered that one can roll over and return to sleep, most of the time.  I've slept through to my alarm a few times.  The thing is that when waking up requires getting dressed and going outside for a smoke, it is naturally more difficult to get back to sleep.  And at the same time, getting to sleep without the smoke is also hard.  Today, things have improved.  Another reason to continue the effort.

One final word on this today.  From the standpoint of chemical dependency I'm still on the patch.  I will not consider myself a non-smoker until that time when I neither smoke, nor use the patch,  But again, my commitment this time is to continue the effort even if it takes a few months.

Life is good.

One of the things that I did this last week was to rearrange my schedule so that I could participate in the weekly text study that the pastor's in Spokane have.  It's a reminder for me that there are things that I can do to improve the satisfaction and overall quality of my life.  Connecting with colleagues is important.

I have begun a couple of projects in my own shop.  That is rewarding.

The bottom line is this, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Being bipolar and struggling with chemical dependency issues is not a death sentence, or at least it need not be.

And so I'm grateful today.

Path to Freedom-- Addiction II

Last week I wrote:

"And so the battle begins.  Can someone like myself, who has battled addiction throughout my adult life be free?  Can I do so without complicating other areas of my life, such as my metal health and tendency toward depression?"

I am in the process of stopping smoking.  I wish I was at the point that I could say I'm done, over it, free and clear, but the reality is it is going to take more time.

One of the difficulties of breaking free from smoking that has plagued me over the years is that it is so easy to feel like you're failing.  And rather than fail, just don't try.  It's not unlike my experience drinking.  When I was in treatment, they asked "Well, how many times have you tried to stop and relapsed?"  My response was a simple "None."  I had never relapsed because I had never tried to stop. 

With smoking it has been a different story.  I've tried numerous times, but failed.  And feeling like a failure is the number one reason for abandoning the effort. 

I'm following my psychiatrist's advice this time in recognizing that this is a process and specifically, I was too heavy of a smoker (pack and a half a day) to have much of a chance going cold turkey.  The body simply needs some time to adjust.  Or it is at least easier, in her opinion, to decrease and then stop.

Over the course of the last week, I've succeeded in drastically reducing the number of times I smoked, but I haven't succeeded in totally stopping.  It's easy to feel a failure because of that, but in truth, a few cigarettes a day is a lot better than over 30.  I refuse to succumb to feeling a failure when in fact I'm succeeding in moving toward my goal. 

The most difficult time is at work.  We can't smoke in the shop, but breaks are extremely difficult.  "Where have you been?" my colleagues with whom I smoked at break asked.  "I'm trying to quit."  "We miss you, but hope you never come back."  Were it not for work, I'd have progressed more than I have.  This last week I chose to have one smoke, as opposed to three or four, during break.  And a smoke before I started and after I finished.  Five a day.  Much better than 30.  And next week will be better.

One of the struggles with quitting smoking at work is that the smoke break represents such a welcome relief to the drudgery of the job.  And there is a now or never element in play regarding breaks. 

It is getting easier, and the times I do smoke are less satisfying.  This is different this time.  One of the difficulties I experienced before is that as I cut down, the occasions I did smoke produced a level of satisfaction much greater than when I was constantly smoking.  So I'm hopeful.

I am not failing.  That's something I have to remind myself about.  The first step in ceasing my smoking habit actually came, at the recommendation of my doctor, last year.  "Dave, just try not smoking in your car."  Her advice, coupled with having just bought a new car, provided the incentive.  I haven't smoked in the car since.  Now that might seem like a small victory, but when one spends a couple of hours a day commuting, and when one smoked almost continuously during the commute, it was a big deal.  But I succeeded in that step toward freedom.

Now its all about going the rest of the way.

The benefits are already showing up.  My lungs are noticeably clearer.  The persistent cough has gone away.  And in the back of my mind I start wondering if perhaps I might one day die in old age from something other than smoking related causes. . .

And yet there are miles to go before this journey is done.  I'm using the patch.  (I know that one is not supposed to smoke at all when on the patch, and that's my goal, but I tell myself that I've already reduced my smoking by nearly a pack and a half a day, so it's not so bad.)  Oh, and I will not let you tell me I'm failing.  If I listened to those voices, I'd be back at it in an instance.

The purpose of using the patch is to allow one to address the behavioral aspects of quitting first, and then gradually reduce the amount of nicotine to become, over time, free from the chemical dependency.  Physically, withdrawal actually occurs as the dosage is decreased.  My pharmacist used to recommend against the patch, or other nicotine replacement therapies, as they are merely "alternative delivery systems",  Well, that kept me from trying, more than once.

There are medications that can help.  "Hah, been there tried that."   Amongst all the different meds I have been put on, those that help with smoking withdrawal have also been tried, for other reasons.  They resulted in an increase in seizure activity.  And so my psychiatrist has been very clear, that is not an option.   Period.

And so I continue down this course.  Yesterday I had two smokes.  Today, I'm going to try limiting myself to one.  That is a major accomplishment for me.  And one day, it will be none.  And then the next.  None.  And finally, I hope to be where I now am regarding drinking.  No desire,  No craving.  No longer an issue. 

Hope springs eternal.