It's been over 100 days now since I had my last cigarette. I've saved approximately $1,000 during that time. A bit less than that because I'm still vaping as a nicotine replacement therapy to aid in this process. With the vaping you can buy the juice in a variety of strengths. I began at 24 mg. I've managed to reduce that to 12 mgs. It's going well.
Probably the most significant development during this time of breaking free is that I'm developing a self image and identity that I am not a smoker. I am moving from a compulsion to always having tobacco at hand to a revulsion at the thought of ever purchasing again. I am confident in saying that I've purchased my last tobacco.
This is major. It's the mindset that I've achieved with respect to alcohol. That's the reason for my optimism regarding smoking. Not one more. Done. Finished.
There remains the issue of vaping. The advantage of using vaping as a stop smoking aid is that it has proven to be a good substitute. I had reached a roadblock in that I just couldn't get through a work day and the breaks without having a smoke. Vaping got me beyond that. The encouraging thing is that I've been able to reduce the nicotine content of the vaping without issue. You can actually get the vapor juice with nicotine levels of 36, 24, 18, 12, 6, and 0. My strategy has been to settle in at one level until I'm very satisfied, and then to reduce to the next level. In the end, it will get to the point at which I'm not getting any nicotine, and then it will be just a matter of finally saying "hey, I don't need this pacifier anymore. Then I'll be done.
This whole issue of chemical addiction is an interesting one to experience. One observation that has come to me is that it is the body's ability to adapt to the presence of chemicals in the system that makes breaking free so difficult. The point being that once the body adapts to a certain chemical, be it alcohol, or nicotine, or other drugs, there is a negative reaction that comes from cessation. Withdrawal. For those of you who have never been addicted, just understand this. The problem is the withdrawal. It's not that a smoker can just put down the tobacco and feel as good as a non-smoker. During withdrawal one feels terrible, quite frankly. That's why we continue.
I'm told that smoking is one of the most difficult addictions to break. I believe that. It's been a greater struggle than drinking, by far. In my case all that was required to stop drinking was a recognition that it had truly become a problem. Well that and the recognition that one more day drinking might have been the end of my life. . . With drinking, once I recognized that I'd hit rock bottom I recognized that this was not something I could wait until 'tomorrow' to address. It had to happen now. Smoking is different. Unless one is diagnosed with lung cancer, for example, one always believes that one doesn't have to stop today, you can always do it tomorrow. And even if one has a diagnosis of lung cancer or other such smoking related diseases there is a sense that the damage has already been done. I can have another cigarette. I'll quit tomorrow.
I grew up in the context of the religious pietism of my scandinavian family. Though some of that pietism was subsiding by that time, there still was a sense that smoking, drinking, gambling, (and dancing!) etc., were sinful. To this day, there is an anti-pietist tendency in the church that scoffs at the old notion of the sinfulness of these things.
I'm either becoming a pietist in my old age, or at least recognizing that those old timers understood something significant. After having fought the battle of addiction I'm more convinced than ever of the sinfulness of these addictions. There is a point at which one crosses the line. One can drink alcohol in a healthy manner and I'm not suggesting such consumption is a sin. But for some of us, addiction happens. Why, I'm not sure we know. But it happens. Same with other drugs like nicotine. I've also been addicted to Ativan.
The thing about addiction is that you can talk all you want about loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, but it is another god that controls one's behaviors. One's entire life is structured around the addictive behavior. Provisions are made to insure that one never faces withdrawal. No sacrifice is too great. Family, jobs, and even one's own life are all sacrificed at the altar of the addiction. If that's not a definition of a god, I don't know what is.
Part of what I'm saying is that I recognize now the importance of a deep repentance in the process of breaking free. This is not just about coughing less. This is about 'having no other gods before me'.
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Living into Tomorrow
One of the defining characteristics of manic phases is the tendency to conceive of and carry out grandiose plans and schemes for tomorrow. I miss this now that I'm being treated. I really do.
Nothing seemed impossible. I pursued with reckless abandon plans to make the world a better place. Some good came out of it. Luther Park, the assisted living that I conceived of and was able to develop, is a good thing. Hundreds of elderly are being cared for in their final years. Now if mania only produced such results we'd likely not treat it. Alas, not all plans and schemes work out so well.
But that's the past. My visions have subsided a bit these days, thanks to treatment. And I'm not totally pleased with that. Part of this may also simply be a consequence of aging. I'm aware that I'm entering the final years of my working career and my agenda for great accomplishments has diminished with age. More and more it is about being content with what I've already done.
But tomorrow is still out there. It's just that the nature of my plans has changed.
One major effort on my part has been to quit smoking. I've shared that with you. I'm happy to report that it has been nearly two weeks since I've had a cigarette. I'm delighted with that but there remain some significant hurdles yet to face.
In order to get this far, I have used 'nicotine replacement therapy', that is the patch. I'm now weaning myself of that, and will be one it for only two more weeks. That's the plan.
The most difficult thing has been not smoking during the breaks at work. The way I was able to beat that was by vaping, or Juuling, the latest in vapor. For those who do not know, vaping is another nicotine delivery system. Nicotine is mixed in a 'juice', and then a electronic charge converts it to water vapor which you inhale like smoking. The advantage is that though you are still puffing on something, there is no smoke, no tar or carbon monoxide. Nicotine itself, though highly addictive, is not particularly harmful. And so many consider this a "safe" alternative.
I'm not thrilled that it took this to stop smoking cigarettes. But if in the end I succeed it will have been worth it. My goals are to first, wean myself off the patch, and then to reduce the amount I'm vaping. One of the things that has guided me is to ask, "if I got stuck here could I live with it?" Well, inhaling water vapor is better than smoke, so I think so. But my goal remains that eventually my tomorrow will not involve any of this.
Part of the issue here is that bipolar people are prone to addictions of a variety of sizes and shapes. For me, overcoming them remains one of the final elements in my treatment for bipolar. Here's to tomorrow.
Another decision I made this last week was to address one of the most difficult issues at work. Woodworking shops are filled with a deafening din of noise. It causes lasting damage to one's hearing and is just plain uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I splurged on new Bose QuietComfort noise cancelling headphones. By emitting the opposite sound to that in the environment, the noise is cancelled out. Peace and quiet. I can listen to music at a reasonable volume. No need to drown out the surrounding noise. Wow. This is impressive. I have to be careful to make sure I know whether the tool is on or off, as I can no longer hear it.
The joy of music has re-entered my life. As I write this morning I'm listening to Handel's Messiah, a great way to start a Sunday morning. Using Spotify and my iPhone I have access to the world of music. I look forward to spending my days with the Canadian Brass, Alison Kraus, Natalie MacMaster, and some old time favorites.
Another fun thing is dreaming with my son about building a shop on their property. Dreams are cheap. We'll see if it materializes. It's be great to actually have some room to work.
I guess the overall theme today is that tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as yesterday, and one can take small steps to improve one's life without having to hatch grandiose schemes to to change the world. You know, that's a relief. Feeling like the future of the world is on my shoulders is, well, an insane burden. Much better to focus on small improvements that affect the quality of my life.
Nothing seemed impossible. I pursued with reckless abandon plans to make the world a better place. Some good came out of it. Luther Park, the assisted living that I conceived of and was able to develop, is a good thing. Hundreds of elderly are being cared for in their final years. Now if mania only produced such results we'd likely not treat it. Alas, not all plans and schemes work out so well.
But that's the past. My visions have subsided a bit these days, thanks to treatment. And I'm not totally pleased with that. Part of this may also simply be a consequence of aging. I'm aware that I'm entering the final years of my working career and my agenda for great accomplishments has diminished with age. More and more it is about being content with what I've already done.
But tomorrow is still out there. It's just that the nature of my plans has changed.
One major effort on my part has been to quit smoking. I've shared that with you. I'm happy to report that it has been nearly two weeks since I've had a cigarette. I'm delighted with that but there remain some significant hurdles yet to face.
In order to get this far, I have used 'nicotine replacement therapy', that is the patch. I'm now weaning myself of that, and will be one it for only two more weeks. That's the plan.
The most difficult thing has been not smoking during the breaks at work. The way I was able to beat that was by vaping, or Juuling, the latest in vapor. For those who do not know, vaping is another nicotine delivery system. Nicotine is mixed in a 'juice', and then a electronic charge converts it to water vapor which you inhale like smoking. The advantage is that though you are still puffing on something, there is no smoke, no tar or carbon monoxide. Nicotine itself, though highly addictive, is not particularly harmful. And so many consider this a "safe" alternative.
I'm not thrilled that it took this to stop smoking cigarettes. But if in the end I succeed it will have been worth it. My goals are to first, wean myself off the patch, and then to reduce the amount I'm vaping. One of the things that has guided me is to ask, "if I got stuck here could I live with it?" Well, inhaling water vapor is better than smoke, so I think so. But my goal remains that eventually my tomorrow will not involve any of this.
Part of the issue here is that bipolar people are prone to addictions of a variety of sizes and shapes. For me, overcoming them remains one of the final elements in my treatment for bipolar. Here's to tomorrow.
Another decision I made this last week was to address one of the most difficult issues at work. Woodworking shops are filled with a deafening din of noise. It causes lasting damage to one's hearing and is just plain uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I splurged on new Bose QuietComfort noise cancelling headphones. By emitting the opposite sound to that in the environment, the noise is cancelled out. Peace and quiet. I can listen to music at a reasonable volume. No need to drown out the surrounding noise. Wow. This is impressive. I have to be careful to make sure I know whether the tool is on or off, as I can no longer hear it.
The joy of music has re-entered my life. As I write this morning I'm listening to Handel's Messiah, a great way to start a Sunday morning. Using Spotify and my iPhone I have access to the world of music. I look forward to spending my days with the Canadian Brass, Alison Kraus, Natalie MacMaster, and some old time favorites.
Another fun thing is dreaming with my son about building a shop on their property. Dreams are cheap. We'll see if it materializes. It's be great to actually have some room to work.
I guess the overall theme today is that tomorrow doesn't have to be the same as yesterday, and one can take small steps to improve one's life without having to hatch grandiose schemes to to change the world. You know, that's a relief. Feeling like the future of the world is on my shoulders is, well, an insane burden. Much better to focus on small improvements that affect the quality of my life.
Monday, August 20, 2018
Anger and Righteousness
Anger is a powerful emotion.
Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
One of the things we learn in A.A. is to beware of H.A.L.T.. That is to be cautious whenever you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Such experiences are potentially devastating to one who is seeking to remain sober, or in my case, at this time, to quit smoking.
Paul writes that we will experience anger, perhaps even that we should experience anger at certain things, but that we should neither sin, nor let the sun set on our anger. There is a righteous purpose for anger, and that is to motivate us to oppose and resist unrighteousness, injustice, cruelty, etc. Anger's righteous purpose is to motivate us to act now, before the sun sets.
And yet too often we fall prey to emotions such as anger and rather than deal forthrightly with the object of our anger in a positive way we seek other outlets to dissipate the anger, such as drinking or smoking. Worse, sometimes that anger gets turned inward, or toward others such as our spouses who are in no way deserving of being the object of our anger.
I got angry this last week. There's no purpose served in detailing that in this blog out of deference to those involved. But the simple fact is that anger was felt by me.
Powerful emotion.
Part of the dilema for a chemically addicted person is that our most natural response to anger is to turn to that substance, be it drink or smoke, as a means of dissipating the anger. We are angry and so we are then tempted to do that which is destructive to ourselves. My last episode drinking, now nearly 6 years ago was the result of a deep rage that had gotten a grip on me and which boiled over. Alcohol was not adequate to calm the raging beast, but was very much adequate to killing me. I'm lucky to have survived.
When I'm angry at the world, or any significant part of it, the temptation is to take a "fuck it all" attitude. (Sorry to be so blunt, but what's the purpose of disguising a word with ***'s) All of a sudden a Scotch in hand and a big cigar seems to be a perfect solution.
Sobriety is about learning more positive responses to life. Being angry at someone else and then engaging is self destructive behavior is not appropriate.
"See, now I'm angry, and so it's alright to smoke." I can't tell you how many attempts to quit smoking were foiled by anger. Quitting smoking itself, often results in anger, so it's an easy out to quit quitting whenever one experiences anger. I probably would have quit decades ago if I'd been able to handle anger. Most often the anger I experienced when trying to quit was focused inappropriately on my wife, as she, more than anyone, wanted me to quit.
And so the effort is to find more positive ways to confront the anger within us and realize that emotions are only emotions. Yes, in certain situations such emotions call for an immediate response to a bad situation. But a lot of times emotions such as anger need to be understood, dealt with, and let go of ASAP.
I'm reminded of God's dialogue with Jonah.
"But God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the bush?" And he said, "Yes, angry enough to die."
First of all, many times anger is not warranted. Secondly, self destructive behavior, or "being angry enough to die" is no solution.
Life is too precious to allow others, and emotions, to have that kind of control over us and our behavior.
Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
One of the things we learn in A.A. is to beware of H.A.L.T.. That is to be cautious whenever you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Such experiences are potentially devastating to one who is seeking to remain sober, or in my case, at this time, to quit smoking.
Paul writes that we will experience anger, perhaps even that we should experience anger at certain things, but that we should neither sin, nor let the sun set on our anger. There is a righteous purpose for anger, and that is to motivate us to oppose and resist unrighteousness, injustice, cruelty, etc. Anger's righteous purpose is to motivate us to act now, before the sun sets.
And yet too often we fall prey to emotions such as anger and rather than deal forthrightly with the object of our anger in a positive way we seek other outlets to dissipate the anger, such as drinking or smoking. Worse, sometimes that anger gets turned inward, or toward others such as our spouses who are in no way deserving of being the object of our anger.
I got angry this last week. There's no purpose served in detailing that in this blog out of deference to those involved. But the simple fact is that anger was felt by me.
Powerful emotion.
Part of the dilema for a chemically addicted person is that our most natural response to anger is to turn to that substance, be it drink or smoke, as a means of dissipating the anger. We are angry and so we are then tempted to do that which is destructive to ourselves. My last episode drinking, now nearly 6 years ago was the result of a deep rage that had gotten a grip on me and which boiled over. Alcohol was not adequate to calm the raging beast, but was very much adequate to killing me. I'm lucky to have survived.
When I'm angry at the world, or any significant part of it, the temptation is to take a "fuck it all" attitude. (Sorry to be so blunt, but what's the purpose of disguising a word with ***'s) All of a sudden a Scotch in hand and a big cigar seems to be a perfect solution.
Sobriety is about learning more positive responses to life. Being angry at someone else and then engaging is self destructive behavior is not appropriate.
"See, now I'm angry, and so it's alright to smoke." I can't tell you how many attempts to quit smoking were foiled by anger. Quitting smoking itself, often results in anger, so it's an easy out to quit quitting whenever one experiences anger. I probably would have quit decades ago if I'd been able to handle anger. Most often the anger I experienced when trying to quit was focused inappropriately on my wife, as she, more than anyone, wanted me to quit.
And so the effort is to find more positive ways to confront the anger within us and realize that emotions are only emotions. Yes, in certain situations such emotions call for an immediate response to a bad situation. But a lot of times emotions such as anger need to be understood, dealt with, and let go of ASAP.
I'm reminded of God's dialogue with Jonah.
"But God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the bush?" And he said, "Yes, angry enough to die."
First of all, many times anger is not warranted. Secondly, self destructive behavior, or "being angry enough to die" is no solution.
Life is too precious to allow others, and emotions, to have that kind of control over us and our behavior.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."
Ah, the journey to be free of chemical dependency. (Although my son, the chemical engineer, would probably point out that we are all chemically dependent, its just a matter of which chemicals we are dependent on.) Also, as one who is dependent on medications, being free of chemical dependency is probably never going to happen. The goal is to be free from dependency and addiction to harmful chemicals, as in alcohol and nicotine.
"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."
Whether one is an alcoholic or a smoker there is a pattern that has a grip on you. Craving, followed by satisfaction. It's the feeling of satisfaction that is so compelling.
For those of you who have never drank or smoked, this feeling is quite similar to hunger, and being filled. We don't think about this much, but imagine a life where you never experienced hunger, or thirst, and the satisfaction that comes from eating or drinking. Something would be missing.
It is this emptiness, this lack of satisfaction, that is one factor that keeps people addicted to alcohol and/or tobacco. Also contributing to this, of course, is that the cravings continue for a significant period of time after the consumption has stopped.
As I continue to quit smoking, one thought that I have is that I wish a deep breath, clear and full, had the same degree of satisfaction that dragging on a cigarette does. I've reduced my smoking to the point that I am very conscious of an improvement in my respiration, and you'd think 'breathing' would be a sufficient reward, but it doesn't have the same craving/satisfaction factor that smoking does. I suppose this is because I have not yet experience emphysema or other such breathing disorders. I hope not to.
Another struggle is that smoking is a response to outside challenges. It's a place to go, a thing to do, in response to life's struggles. Feeling irritated? Have a smoke, you'll feel better. Feeling anxious? A smoke will calm the nerves. Anger? Step back, relax, smoke, and it will subside.
Now some who have never smoked will say that smoking cannot do all this. And yet for those of us who have we readily used smoking as a coping mechanism. It was an effective diversion. Rather than lash out in anger, we smoked. When one is quitting this is especially noticeable. If my wife does anything that irritates me the immediate response of my system is to crave a smoke. Of course, then I have someone else to blame for my smoking. That's the addictive mindset.
I have a quit smoking app on my iPhone. Of course, there is one. What dimension of life is not addressed by a smart phone app?
One of the things the app does is tell you how your health is improving with each passing hour of being smoke free. Pulse rate: back to normal. Oxygen levels: back to where they should be. Carbon monoxide: gone from your system. Breathing: normal. Energy levels: improving.
It also has a clock that records the days, hours, and minutes since the last smoke. This is something that was effective when I stopped drinking as well. There are other features. It keeps track of the time and money you save not smoking. It has you set a goal for what you are going to do with that money. (I'd like to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs in anticipation of my retirement years.) And then, it records how many additional hours of life you are projected to have by quitting smoking. Everything helps.
And yet Mick Jagger's song still rings in my ears. "I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."
If it was easy, everyone would stop.
Jerry Kramer, inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, related the advice of a coach of his back when he was at Sandpoint High School. "You can if you will."
I'll close with that.
You can if you will.
"I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."
Whether one is an alcoholic or a smoker there is a pattern that has a grip on you. Craving, followed by satisfaction. It's the feeling of satisfaction that is so compelling.
For those of you who have never drank or smoked, this feeling is quite similar to hunger, and being filled. We don't think about this much, but imagine a life where you never experienced hunger, or thirst, and the satisfaction that comes from eating or drinking. Something would be missing.
It is this emptiness, this lack of satisfaction, that is one factor that keeps people addicted to alcohol and/or tobacco. Also contributing to this, of course, is that the cravings continue for a significant period of time after the consumption has stopped.
As I continue to quit smoking, one thought that I have is that I wish a deep breath, clear and full, had the same degree of satisfaction that dragging on a cigarette does. I've reduced my smoking to the point that I am very conscious of an improvement in my respiration, and you'd think 'breathing' would be a sufficient reward, but it doesn't have the same craving/satisfaction factor that smoking does. I suppose this is because I have not yet experience emphysema or other such breathing disorders. I hope not to.
Another struggle is that smoking is a response to outside challenges. It's a place to go, a thing to do, in response to life's struggles. Feeling irritated? Have a smoke, you'll feel better. Feeling anxious? A smoke will calm the nerves. Anger? Step back, relax, smoke, and it will subside.
Now some who have never smoked will say that smoking cannot do all this. And yet for those of us who have we readily used smoking as a coping mechanism. It was an effective diversion. Rather than lash out in anger, we smoked. When one is quitting this is especially noticeable. If my wife does anything that irritates me the immediate response of my system is to crave a smoke. Of course, then I have someone else to blame for my smoking. That's the addictive mindset.
I have a quit smoking app on my iPhone. Of course, there is one. What dimension of life is not addressed by a smart phone app?
One of the things the app does is tell you how your health is improving with each passing hour of being smoke free. Pulse rate: back to normal. Oxygen levels: back to where they should be. Carbon monoxide: gone from your system. Breathing: normal. Energy levels: improving.
It also has a clock that records the days, hours, and minutes since the last smoke. This is something that was effective when I stopped drinking as well. There are other features. It keeps track of the time and money you save not smoking. It has you set a goal for what you are going to do with that money. (I'd like to reward myself with a new set of golf clubs in anticipation of my retirement years.) And then, it records how many additional hours of life you are projected to have by quitting smoking. Everything helps.
And yet Mick Jagger's song still rings in my ears. "I can't get no, satisfaction. . ."
If it was easy, everyone would stop.
Jerry Kramer, inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, related the advice of a coach of his back when he was at Sandpoint High School. "You can if you will."
I'll close with that.
You can if you will.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Blessings and Hope
It's been a couple of weeks since my last post and I must admit that I wondered what I might say this morning. There have been so many times over the last few years that there were such significant concerns to write about. But today, life is good.
First of all, I continue my ongoing effort to wean myself from my smoking habit. I've smoked for a long time, and this time, I've decided that I will succeed in breaking the habit. I'm using the patch and that has been effective in allowing me to greatly reduce my smoking. I struggle still with eliminating the smoking entirely. It's not the nicotine fix that is the problem. It is the pattern and behavioral issues.
Let's see, I've smoked for over 4 decades. And virtually every single time I had the opportunity for a break from work, or study, or anything, I smoked. That is what you do on break. That is the hardest thing to overcome. Last week we spent four days on a trip to Bend to visit my brother and sister-in-law. Four days and no smoking whatsoever. Probably the only challenge was golfing. It struck me that golfing eighteen holes without either a smoke, or a beer, was quite a new thing. It was fine.
But then this week it was back to work. The most difficult thing about altering the behavior at work and smoking on breaks is, ironically, that we cannot smoke at work. So when I show up to work at 5:30 am, I know that I will not have the opportunity to smoke again until 9:00 am. And then at 11:30, and 2:00 pm. At issue is a lifetime of making sure that I took advantage of the opportunities that I had to smoke so as not to experience a nic fit. The patch takes care of the nicotine withdrawal. It's the behavioral modification that remains an issue. Still, I am delighted with my progress so far. A few smokes a day is better than a pack and a half.
But a clear break is going to be necessary. My goal? I see my psychiatrist in mid August. She's the one who has cared for me from the moment I entered chemical dependency treatment till now. I'd love to be able to report to her that I have succeeded in quitting smoking. But one of the things I will not do is set an absolute date. Some may disagree with this. My reason goes back to countless efforts to quit smoking over the years and attempts at going cold turkey. What would happen is that I'd 'quit', and then amid the struggles of withdrawal, give in and have a smoke. This would result in my feeling that I had failed, and so I'd resume smoking again.
Today my attitude is that every smoke I do not have is a victory, even if I continue to have a few.
But the goal is none. It's just going to require diligence. And not getting discouraged or allowing myself to feel a failure because I don't live up to other's or my own hopes and expectations. And also, I rejoice that even now, my lungs are clear and the cough I've been experiencing is gone.
A byproduct of this effort is that I am sleeping better. I'm not sure that I woke up to smoke, but when I woke up I always smoked. Now, at 1:15 am I've discovered that one can roll over and return to sleep, most of the time. I've slept through to my alarm a few times. The thing is that when waking up requires getting dressed and going outside for a smoke, it is naturally more difficult to get back to sleep. And at the same time, getting to sleep without the smoke is also hard. Today, things have improved. Another reason to continue the effort.
One final word on this today. From the standpoint of chemical dependency I'm still on the patch. I will not consider myself a non-smoker until that time when I neither smoke, nor use the patch, But again, my commitment this time is to continue the effort even if it takes a few months.
Life is good.
One of the things that I did this last week was to rearrange my schedule so that I could participate in the weekly text study that the pastor's in Spokane have. It's a reminder for me that there are things that I can do to improve the satisfaction and overall quality of my life. Connecting with colleagues is important.
I have begun a couple of projects in my own shop. That is rewarding.
The bottom line is this, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Being bipolar and struggling with chemical dependency issues is not a death sentence, or at least it need not be.
And so I'm grateful today.
First of all, I continue my ongoing effort to wean myself from my smoking habit. I've smoked for a long time, and this time, I've decided that I will succeed in breaking the habit. I'm using the patch and that has been effective in allowing me to greatly reduce my smoking. I struggle still with eliminating the smoking entirely. It's not the nicotine fix that is the problem. It is the pattern and behavioral issues.
Let's see, I've smoked for over 4 decades. And virtually every single time I had the opportunity for a break from work, or study, or anything, I smoked. That is what you do on break. That is the hardest thing to overcome. Last week we spent four days on a trip to Bend to visit my brother and sister-in-law. Four days and no smoking whatsoever. Probably the only challenge was golfing. It struck me that golfing eighteen holes without either a smoke, or a beer, was quite a new thing. It was fine.
But then this week it was back to work. The most difficult thing about altering the behavior at work and smoking on breaks is, ironically, that we cannot smoke at work. So when I show up to work at 5:30 am, I know that I will not have the opportunity to smoke again until 9:00 am. And then at 11:30, and 2:00 pm. At issue is a lifetime of making sure that I took advantage of the opportunities that I had to smoke so as not to experience a nic fit. The patch takes care of the nicotine withdrawal. It's the behavioral modification that remains an issue. Still, I am delighted with my progress so far. A few smokes a day is better than a pack and a half.
But a clear break is going to be necessary. My goal? I see my psychiatrist in mid August. She's the one who has cared for me from the moment I entered chemical dependency treatment till now. I'd love to be able to report to her that I have succeeded in quitting smoking. But one of the things I will not do is set an absolute date. Some may disagree with this. My reason goes back to countless efforts to quit smoking over the years and attempts at going cold turkey. What would happen is that I'd 'quit', and then amid the struggles of withdrawal, give in and have a smoke. This would result in my feeling that I had failed, and so I'd resume smoking again.
Today my attitude is that every smoke I do not have is a victory, even if I continue to have a few.
But the goal is none. It's just going to require diligence. And not getting discouraged or allowing myself to feel a failure because I don't live up to other's or my own hopes and expectations. And also, I rejoice that even now, my lungs are clear and the cough I've been experiencing is gone.
A byproduct of this effort is that I am sleeping better. I'm not sure that I woke up to smoke, but when I woke up I always smoked. Now, at 1:15 am I've discovered that one can roll over and return to sleep, most of the time. I've slept through to my alarm a few times. The thing is that when waking up requires getting dressed and going outside for a smoke, it is naturally more difficult to get back to sleep. And at the same time, getting to sleep without the smoke is also hard. Today, things have improved. Another reason to continue the effort.
One final word on this today. From the standpoint of chemical dependency I'm still on the patch. I will not consider myself a non-smoker until that time when I neither smoke, nor use the patch, But again, my commitment this time is to continue the effort even if it takes a few months.
Life is good.
One of the things that I did this last week was to rearrange my schedule so that I could participate in the weekly text study that the pastor's in Spokane have. It's a reminder for me that there are things that I can do to improve the satisfaction and overall quality of my life. Connecting with colleagues is important.
I have begun a couple of projects in my own shop. That is rewarding.
The bottom line is this, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Being bipolar and struggling with chemical dependency issues is not a death sentence, or at least it need not be.
And so I'm grateful today.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Addiction
Simply put, the ultimate sign one is addicted is when one is using to avoid withdrawal.
But before I review again, a disclaimer regarding alcoholics. One size doesn't fit all. Drinking patterns vary. Some are binge drinkers who did not drink daily but when they did drink it was to extremes. They may remain sober during the work week, but keep quite swashbuckling drunk over the weekend. This was not my experience.
Other drinkers, more like myself, maintained a consistent daily pattern of drinking to achieve the desired effect, but remained largely "in control". Personally, I believe this is a more troubling pattern of drinking in that it is easier to deny you have a problem. "Out of control" is one thing non-alcoholics believe about alcoholics. For this second type of drinker, it is a misnomer. When I was drinking I was very intentional about making sure that I got the 'prescribed dosage' to achieve the necessary effect. Now it is true, on some occasions I would drink more. Weekends when my wife was gone were an opportunity to drink to excess, for sure. A fifth of whiskey during an afternoon/evening of drinking was not unusual on such occasions. But on a daily basis I simply maintained a sufficient level of intoxication to get by.
Habituation is the issue here. One's body adapts to a certain level of alcohol in the system. When alcohol is not present at the level the body has become accustomed to one experiences withdrawal. The unpleasantness of withdrawal is such that there is an incredible compulsion to maintain at least the necessary amount of intoxication. So, for example, I used to joke that I needed two Scotch doubles to feel sober. The truth behind that was that I needed a minimum of about five or six ounces of Scotch daily to avoid the symptoms of withdrawal. That amount of alcohol was only sufficient to make me feel 'normal'. I did not achieve the 'buzz' at that level. In fact, as my drinking progressed I never achieved a buzz at all. I was so habituated to alcohol that I would drink myself into a stupor without ever having experienced the buzz, or the high, of intoxication. Drinking had ceased to be fun. It was about avoiding the pain of withdrawal.
And others just don't understand.
In my case, addiction began with Ativan, which I had been prescribed for sleep. Ativan works on the same receptors in the brain as alcohol, and so "cross addiction" is a risk. When I ceased taking Ativan I replaced it with alcohol. Prior to that time my alcohol consumption had been very moderate. For decades, very moderate and sometimes months without a drink. Then, immediately upon quitting the Ativan, I was drinking on average, 6 to 7 ounces a day, which remained my preferred dose until the last year, when it went up to about 10 ounces a day. In my mind, the 6 to 7 ounces only constituted a 'couple of drinks' and so I didn't have a problem.
But without those drinks, I experienced withdrawal symptoms. Among other things, I would shake uncontrollably. I would not drink on Saturday nights, so as not to smell of alcohol at worship Sunday morning, but instead would shake to the point I could not serve communion. Withdrawal.
In order for an alcoholic to want to stop, you have to get to the point where you realize what is happening and are willing to endure the pain of withdrawal in order to be free from it. It will get worse before it gets better. When I checked into treatment I was offended that they started medicating me against all sorts of potential withdrawal symptoms, including seizures, as I had never experienced that in my mind. The truth was I'd never allowed myself to go through withdrawal. When I did, I experienced partial complex seizures for months following. I do not know if these were directly related to withdrawal or not. But after a while, they went away. I remain suspicious.
I continue to fight addiction as I struggle with smoking. During my chemical dependency treatment I had quit for awhile using the patch. Last night I bought the patch again and am going to give it a try. One thing that is very similar between alcohol and smoking is that there comes a time when you are smoking just to avoid withdrawal, even if it gives you no other pleasure. I've been putting off quiting since my treatment for alcoholism in part because my doctors emphasized that my number one priority needed to be staying sober. Drinking could kill me in a night. Smoking was more of a long term health hazard. Stay on top of the one, and the day will come to address the other.
I'm planning for retirement. Two things: I want to be alive for retirement, and I'd rather not have to account for the $250 a month of additional income to support this habit. Freedom from it would be nice as well.
Anxiousness is one of the primary symptoms of withdrawal, coupled with an extreme irritability. But there are other issues beyond just the physical withdrawal. What do you do, for pete's sake? What do you do? I've spent a life time structured around having a smoke. Now what do I do? I'm an introvert and introverts need space, a time to regroup and recharge before re-engaging with others. Smoking was my excuse to step back from social interaction and recharge. What will I do?
Can I think and write without my pauses to reflect over coffee and a smoke?
Can I tolerate the feeling of nakedness that comes with a pocket empty of a pack and a lighter?
One of the struggles is determining whether to go 'cold turkey' or to do a more measured decrease and withdrawal over time. The patch is intended to maintain the nicotine level as one deals first with the behavioral issues of smoking, and then, over a period of months a gradual reduction of the level of nicotine until total cessation maybe three to four months down the line. I have had others suggest that this is like cutting a puppy's tail off a little bit at a time. It just prolongs the withdrawal.
Whatever works.
"Opa, (cough, cough)." To one extent, Jasper's mimicking of me is cute. To another extent, his identifying me with a cough is not. I never wanted to be a role model of smoking for my children, but that was not enough to convince me to stop. I don't want to model smoking for Jasper either, but the truth is that alone won't be sufficient.
I'd like to live long enough to enjoy being a grandfather, and enjoy retirement. $3,000 a year would be a nice budget for entertainment, a boat, or golfing, or travel. Or it could just go up in smoke.
One of the hardest things to deal with, other than the long term health effects of addiction, is the cost. My smoking cost me, in today's currency, $2,500 to $3,000 a year over a life-time. Add to that the cost of my drinking and we're talking real money. Deposit $250 a month at 3% interest over 43 years and you have over a quarter million dollars. We could use that money now. We don't have it. Actually, I might not have saved it anyway, but still. And I tell myself that when I started, a pack of cigarettes did not cost over $5. Actually, when I started, 50 cents would buy a pack from a vending machine. But however you cut it, a lifetime of smoking represents a lot of dough.
Social pressures to quit smoking have not been helpful to me as I'm a rebel at heart. From the first day of our marriage, Karla's made it clear that she doesn't like my smoking. Actually, it wasn't until I quit drinking that she became 'tolerant' of my smoking. When I'd try to quit, I'd get angry at her for her insistence that it be good for me to do so. For a period of years I hid my smoking from her. Dishonesty is a element of addiction.
My father also tried to get me to stop. Didn't work. It just compromised our relationship for years.
If others could quit for you, if their will power were enough to achieve success, every smoker would quit. But they don't feel the pain.
In the dark of the night, as I lay back down, hopeful to get some more sleep, I am conscious of the sound of my breathing. I hear the air in my bronchial tubes. It's just short of a wheezing. Sometimes a cough clears the airway and the sound stops. Other times it doesn't. At this point in time the effects of my smoking are complicated by the effects of my inhaling far too much sawdust as well. I sometimes tell myself that it is the hearing aids that I wear that makes the sound of my breathing so pronounced. Of course, I know better. Clear airways would help.
Finally, identity is an issue. As a drinker, I prided myself on being a "Scotch drinker". Over a life time one builds up and identity as a "smoker". One needs to adopt a new self image and identity. That is easier said than done.
And so the battle begins. Can someone like myself, who has battled addiction throughout my adult life, be free? Can I do so without complicating other areas of my life, such as my mental health and tendency toward depression?
And so I offer a prayer. And I remember the Psalm for this Sunday: "Then in their trouble they cried to the LORD, and you delivered them from their distress."
But before I review again, a disclaimer regarding alcoholics. One size doesn't fit all. Drinking patterns vary. Some are binge drinkers who did not drink daily but when they did drink it was to extremes. They may remain sober during the work week, but keep quite swashbuckling drunk over the weekend. This was not my experience.
Other drinkers, more like myself, maintained a consistent daily pattern of drinking to achieve the desired effect, but remained largely "in control". Personally, I believe this is a more troubling pattern of drinking in that it is easier to deny you have a problem. "Out of control" is one thing non-alcoholics believe about alcoholics. For this second type of drinker, it is a misnomer. When I was drinking I was very intentional about making sure that I got the 'prescribed dosage' to achieve the necessary effect. Now it is true, on some occasions I would drink more. Weekends when my wife was gone were an opportunity to drink to excess, for sure. A fifth of whiskey during an afternoon/evening of drinking was not unusual on such occasions. But on a daily basis I simply maintained a sufficient level of intoxication to get by.
Habituation is the issue here. One's body adapts to a certain level of alcohol in the system. When alcohol is not present at the level the body has become accustomed to one experiences withdrawal. The unpleasantness of withdrawal is such that there is an incredible compulsion to maintain at least the necessary amount of intoxication. So, for example, I used to joke that I needed two Scotch doubles to feel sober. The truth behind that was that I needed a minimum of about five or six ounces of Scotch daily to avoid the symptoms of withdrawal. That amount of alcohol was only sufficient to make me feel 'normal'. I did not achieve the 'buzz' at that level. In fact, as my drinking progressed I never achieved a buzz at all. I was so habituated to alcohol that I would drink myself into a stupor without ever having experienced the buzz, or the high, of intoxication. Drinking had ceased to be fun. It was about avoiding the pain of withdrawal.
And others just don't understand.
In my case, addiction began with Ativan, which I had been prescribed for sleep. Ativan works on the same receptors in the brain as alcohol, and so "cross addiction" is a risk. When I ceased taking Ativan I replaced it with alcohol. Prior to that time my alcohol consumption had been very moderate. For decades, very moderate and sometimes months without a drink. Then, immediately upon quitting the Ativan, I was drinking on average, 6 to 7 ounces a day, which remained my preferred dose until the last year, when it went up to about 10 ounces a day. In my mind, the 6 to 7 ounces only constituted a 'couple of drinks' and so I didn't have a problem.
But without those drinks, I experienced withdrawal symptoms. Among other things, I would shake uncontrollably. I would not drink on Saturday nights, so as not to smell of alcohol at worship Sunday morning, but instead would shake to the point I could not serve communion. Withdrawal.
In order for an alcoholic to want to stop, you have to get to the point where you realize what is happening and are willing to endure the pain of withdrawal in order to be free from it. It will get worse before it gets better. When I checked into treatment I was offended that they started medicating me against all sorts of potential withdrawal symptoms, including seizures, as I had never experienced that in my mind. The truth was I'd never allowed myself to go through withdrawal. When I did, I experienced partial complex seizures for months following. I do not know if these were directly related to withdrawal or not. But after a while, they went away. I remain suspicious.
I continue to fight addiction as I struggle with smoking. During my chemical dependency treatment I had quit for awhile using the patch. Last night I bought the patch again and am going to give it a try. One thing that is very similar between alcohol and smoking is that there comes a time when you are smoking just to avoid withdrawal, even if it gives you no other pleasure. I've been putting off quiting since my treatment for alcoholism in part because my doctors emphasized that my number one priority needed to be staying sober. Drinking could kill me in a night. Smoking was more of a long term health hazard. Stay on top of the one, and the day will come to address the other.
I'm planning for retirement. Two things: I want to be alive for retirement, and I'd rather not have to account for the $250 a month of additional income to support this habit. Freedom from it would be nice as well.
Anxiousness is one of the primary symptoms of withdrawal, coupled with an extreme irritability. But there are other issues beyond just the physical withdrawal. What do you do, for pete's sake? What do you do? I've spent a life time structured around having a smoke. Now what do I do? I'm an introvert and introverts need space, a time to regroup and recharge before re-engaging with others. Smoking was my excuse to step back from social interaction and recharge. What will I do?
Can I think and write without my pauses to reflect over coffee and a smoke?
Can I tolerate the feeling of nakedness that comes with a pocket empty of a pack and a lighter?
One of the struggles is determining whether to go 'cold turkey' or to do a more measured decrease and withdrawal over time. The patch is intended to maintain the nicotine level as one deals first with the behavioral issues of smoking, and then, over a period of months a gradual reduction of the level of nicotine until total cessation maybe three to four months down the line. I have had others suggest that this is like cutting a puppy's tail off a little bit at a time. It just prolongs the withdrawal.
Whatever works.
"Opa, (cough, cough)." To one extent, Jasper's mimicking of me is cute. To another extent, his identifying me with a cough is not. I never wanted to be a role model of smoking for my children, but that was not enough to convince me to stop. I don't want to model smoking for Jasper either, but the truth is that alone won't be sufficient.
I'd like to live long enough to enjoy being a grandfather, and enjoy retirement. $3,000 a year would be a nice budget for entertainment, a boat, or golfing, or travel. Or it could just go up in smoke.
One of the hardest things to deal with, other than the long term health effects of addiction, is the cost. My smoking cost me, in today's currency, $2,500 to $3,000 a year over a life-time. Add to that the cost of my drinking and we're talking real money. Deposit $250 a month at 3% interest over 43 years and you have over a quarter million dollars. We could use that money now. We don't have it. Actually, I might not have saved it anyway, but still. And I tell myself that when I started, a pack of cigarettes did not cost over $5. Actually, when I started, 50 cents would buy a pack from a vending machine. But however you cut it, a lifetime of smoking represents a lot of dough.
Social pressures to quit smoking have not been helpful to me as I'm a rebel at heart. From the first day of our marriage, Karla's made it clear that she doesn't like my smoking. Actually, it wasn't until I quit drinking that she became 'tolerant' of my smoking. When I'd try to quit, I'd get angry at her for her insistence that it be good for me to do so. For a period of years I hid my smoking from her. Dishonesty is a element of addiction.
My father also tried to get me to stop. Didn't work. It just compromised our relationship for years.
If others could quit for you, if their will power were enough to achieve success, every smoker would quit. But they don't feel the pain.
In the dark of the night, as I lay back down, hopeful to get some more sleep, I am conscious of the sound of my breathing. I hear the air in my bronchial tubes. It's just short of a wheezing. Sometimes a cough clears the airway and the sound stops. Other times it doesn't. At this point in time the effects of my smoking are complicated by the effects of my inhaling far too much sawdust as well. I sometimes tell myself that it is the hearing aids that I wear that makes the sound of my breathing so pronounced. Of course, I know better. Clear airways would help.
Finally, identity is an issue. As a drinker, I prided myself on being a "Scotch drinker". Over a life time one builds up and identity as a "smoker". One needs to adopt a new self image and identity. That is easier said than done.
And so the battle begins. Can someone like myself, who has battled addiction throughout my adult life, be free? Can I do so without complicating other areas of my life, such as my mental health and tendency toward depression?
And so I offer a prayer. And I remember the Psalm for this Sunday: "Then in their trouble they cried to the LORD, and you delivered them from their distress."
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