"Let it be with me according to your word."

"He has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant."

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."

Discernment.  Would that the Devil were cloaked in darkness and red, and the Holy Spirit in light and a brilliant white.  Discerning the will of God and God's call would be easier.  Perhaps still not fool proof, but easier.

If there is an inherent weakness in being bipolar it is this:  that the extremes of one's mood swings are the Devil's playground.  One's hope in managing this disease is to silence both the manic convictions and the depressed resignation. 

This is a particular struggle in discerning one's direction in life.  And in my case, discerning God's call and where it is leading me in ministry.  My age is such that I believe I have one more 'call', one more chapter in my ministry before me.  And so the question is what might that call be, and where might it lead.

During the first few years of my dealing with this bipolar diagnosis I had become convinced that it was no longer wise for me to be in ministry.  Too many triggers.  Too many possibilities that the symptoms of the disease could become the fodder for failure.  Chief among these is the fact that at risk sexual behavior and exploits is a known symptom of manic episodes.  Incompatible with pastoral ministry for sure.  It's not that it's always a symptom of manic episodes, but it can be.  I became convinced that one of the reasons my medical team was hesitant to give me a carte blanche endorsement to return to ministry was that the possibility of sexual misconduct was sufficient enough that neither of them would want the liability associated with such an endorsement. 

Those concerns fueled a depressed resignation.  I would never be able to serve again. 

Yet treatment is real.  Brain chemistry can be altered.  Medications are effective.  And hope was reborn.

A year and a half ago I re-entered ministry, serving part time as a transitional minister.  It has gone well.  My status as a "transitional" minister means that I am serving first as an interim pastor, helping the congregation through a period of discernment regarding their future, but with the option that it could become a permanent call.  That possibility puts on the table the prospect that I am where I am intended to be and remain.  Or not.

Whether my future involves continuing to serve in my current call or not, there is a significant desire to be engaged full time in ministry, once again.  I have been combining my part-time call with work in a cabinet shop.  I find myself desiring more.  The cabinetry is not rewarding.  Let's just say that at the end of my career, I don't want to look back at the last ten years and know that one of the primary things I did was to make closet shelves for high end homes in the Bahamas.  There has got to be something more.

It is tempting to try and 'make it happen'.  And make it good.

I find deep meaning in the words from Mary and Paul.  The common theme is that our lowliness, our weakness, need not limit God's ability to work through us, but rather can clear the way for God's grace and will to be done, not our own.

Let it be with me according to your Word, for your power is made perfect in weakness. 

And so I find myself wondering where the Spirit will blow.  I look at the neighborhood around our congregation in Otis Orchards and see a new development that will bring hundreds of  new residents, 55 and older, right next door.  This presents a real and unique opportunity for developing this congregation's mission and outreach.  A worthy calling.

But there might also be other options that present themselves.  The future is not yet known. 

The bottom line is that I have come a point of determining that I will not live out my life as a willing victim of a disease that need not limit me.  I choose rather to trust in the grace of God to work through me, where ever and whenever God wills.  And I do so believing that perhaps I have grown through this whole process of confronting my weakness.  I now know more fully that who ever we are, where ever we serve, it is not about us.  It is not about me. 

Together with Mary, each of us in our own way are simply called to declare "Here am I, the servant of the Lord."