"He has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant."
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."
Discernment. Would that the Devil were cloaked in darkness and red, and the Holy Spirit in light and a brilliant white. Discerning the will of God and God's call would be easier. Perhaps still not fool proof, but easier.
If there is an inherent weakness in being bipolar it is this: that the extremes of one's mood swings are the Devil's playground. One's hope in managing this disease is to silence both the manic convictions and the depressed resignation.
This is a particular struggle in discerning one's direction in life. And in my case, discerning God's call and where it is leading me in ministry. My age is such that I believe I have one more 'call', one more chapter in my ministry before me. And so the question is what might that call be, and where might it lead.
During the first few years of my dealing with this bipolar diagnosis I had become convinced that it was no longer wise for me to be in ministry. Too many triggers. Too many possibilities that the symptoms of the disease could become the fodder for failure. Chief among these is the fact that at risk sexual behavior and exploits is a known symptom of manic episodes. Incompatible with pastoral ministry for sure. It's not that it's always a symptom of manic episodes, but it can be. I became convinced that one of the reasons my medical team was hesitant to give me a carte blanche endorsement to return to ministry was that the possibility of sexual misconduct was sufficient enough that neither of them would want the liability associated with such an endorsement.
Those concerns fueled a depressed resignation. I would never be able to serve again.
Yet treatment is real. Brain chemistry can be altered. Medications are effective. And hope was reborn.
A year and a half ago I re-entered ministry, serving part time as a transitional minister. It has gone well. My status as a "transitional" minister means that I am serving first as an interim pastor, helping the congregation through a period of discernment regarding their future, but with the option that it could become a permanent call. That possibility puts on the table the prospect that I am where I am intended to be and remain. Or not.
Whether my future involves continuing to serve in my current call or not, there is a significant desire to be engaged full time in ministry, once again. I have been combining my part-time call with work in a cabinet shop. I find myself desiring more. The cabinetry is not rewarding. Let's just say that at the end of my career, I don't want to look back at the last ten years and know that one of the primary things I did was to make closet shelves for high end homes in the Bahamas. There has got to be something more.
It is tempting to try and 'make it happen'. And make it good.
I find deep meaning in the words from Mary and Paul. The common theme is that our lowliness, our weakness, need not limit God's ability to work through us, but rather can clear the way for God's grace and will to be done, not our own.
Let it be with me according to your Word, for your power is made perfect in weakness.
And so I find myself wondering where the Spirit will blow. I look at the neighborhood around our congregation in Otis Orchards and see a new development that will bring hundreds of new residents, 55 and older, right next door. This presents a real and unique opportunity for developing this congregation's mission and outreach. A worthy calling.
But there might also be other options that present themselves. The future is not yet known.
The bottom line is that I have come a point of determining that I will not live out my life as a willing victim of a disease that need not limit me. I choose rather to trust in the grace of God to work through me, where ever and whenever God wills. And I do so believing that perhaps I have grown through this whole process of confronting my weakness. I now know more fully that who ever we are, where ever we serve, it is not about us. It is not about me.
Together with Mary, each of us in our own way are simply called to declare "Here am I, the servant of the Lord."
Showing posts with label pastor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pastor. Show all posts
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Necessary Suffering
In "Falling Upward" Richard Rohr speaks about "necessary suffering" apart from which we may never move beyond the false selves that we have created throughout the first half of life to the true self and the spiritual maturity that awaits us in the second half of life. I've thought a lot about this, and reflected on my own experience. Rohr is, in my opinion, a true theologian of the cross to the extent that he recognizing that the suffering which threatens to destroy us, may in fact be that which redeems us. But in the end, we'd still rather read a self help book than experience the depth of human experience, and the necessary suffering that is part of life.
I preached a sermon about this a couple years back, and in the congregation was a woman whose husband had died following a long bout with cancer. The reaction was understandable. If losing one's husband is part of the 'necessary suffering' required to move toward a more mature spirituality, she would much rather remain forever spiritually immature and have the companionship of her husband. On the other hand, there is an existential tension in play here. On the one hand the one thing we never want to suggest is that God imposes suffering on us to to make us better people. On the other hand, at the end of one's life, looking back over all that we've experienced, it is often the 'necessary suffering' we've endured that has done more to shape who we are than anything else.
There is part of me that would will that Bipolar were a disorder for which there was a test to diagnose it from the beginning. Would that a simple mental health screening could identify any such disorder and allow for treatment from the start so that we avoid the suffering that too often is the defining characteristic of the disease. And yet, another part of me recognizes that apart from the suffering that the disease causes, treatment would never be embraced, and in the end we would be destroyed.
One of my most pronounced manic episodes saw me pursue senior housing as a strategy for extending the mission of the church. I had significant success, and also failure. After it all was over, and I was experiencing the depression that naturally follows a manic episode, I turned to my bishop for counsel and advice. One of the things I told him was that I'd be just fine if I could have one major project after another to throw myself into. This was prior to diagnosis. What I was basically asking for was the opportunity to live my life in a perpetual manic state. If one could maintain that state, and channel it, there's no telling what might be accomplished. Necessary suffering came into play, however, in the form of a healthy dose of reality that tempered the unbridled optimism of a manic high.
There is a problem with trying to maintain a perpetual manic high. It's not unlike a race car. A normal car with typical use can go for 100,000 to 200,000 miles without major breakdowns. Racing cars are different. In our personal vehicles we typically operate them at about 2 to 3 thousand rpms. This they can handle indefinitely. Racing cars, by contrast, are pushed to the limit and the engines have an extremely short life expectancy. If not replaced, they at least have to be rebuilt for each race. Such is the toll of the extreme conditions under which they are operated.
The problem with attempting to sustain a manic state is that it is like running an engine at 6,000 rpm. You can get by with it for a while, but not for long.
For me, depression was the necessary suffering that in the end freed me from being consumed by the effort to maintain mania. Not only did it force an end to the manic pursuits, but it paved the way for treatment and yes, a healthy balance and new experience of my own spirituality. To use Rohr's frame of reference, I had built my 'false self' around a manic perception of my identity and it was only the suffering of depression that was able to shatter this self image and open up the possibility of a healthier spirituality.
As the title of the book suggests, Rohr calls this movement 'falling upward'.
But it doesn't happen without a fight.
I still find my self desiring to tap into the energy of a full blown manic episode to advance my sense of purpose and accomplish my goals.
Currently, I'm a bivocational person, working 36 hours a week as a cabinet maker, and 25 hours a week as a pastor. This involves getting up at 3:30 am so that I can be to work at the cabinet shop in Hayden by 5:30 am, where I work until 12:30. From there I travel to Otis Orchards to do the pastor thing. The commuting adds about 2 1/2 to 3 hours to the work day. In order to really pursue the mission developer work required by my parish, I need more time available in the evenings when people are available. Where does one find the energy to really have at it? The exhaustion I now experience would not be there were I in a manic episode.
My current schedule leaves me thoroughly exhausted at the end of the week. Saturdays involve marathon napping.
Some would say I'm doing too much. My perspective is that I've done far more. Mania brings with it a capacity for engagement that is, well, shall I say, impressive. Yet a race car engine can only sustain 6,000 rpm for a short while. This I know.
The struggle is to let go of the self identity shaped by mania. And perhaps bipolar people are the only one's who fully understand this. One's true self is not shaped by the disease. And yes, it is often the suffering that reveals this.
Theologically, and spiritually, I understand that my true self is defined not by the disease but in relationship with my God. What I don't know is whether I've suffered enough yet to fully embrace this true identity, or if I'm still building my own castle and kingdom. Time will tell.
I preached a sermon about this a couple years back, and in the congregation was a woman whose husband had died following a long bout with cancer. The reaction was understandable. If losing one's husband is part of the 'necessary suffering' required to move toward a more mature spirituality, she would much rather remain forever spiritually immature and have the companionship of her husband. On the other hand, there is an existential tension in play here. On the one hand the one thing we never want to suggest is that God imposes suffering on us to to make us better people. On the other hand, at the end of one's life, looking back over all that we've experienced, it is often the 'necessary suffering' we've endured that has done more to shape who we are than anything else.
There is part of me that would will that Bipolar were a disorder for which there was a test to diagnose it from the beginning. Would that a simple mental health screening could identify any such disorder and allow for treatment from the start so that we avoid the suffering that too often is the defining characteristic of the disease. And yet, another part of me recognizes that apart from the suffering that the disease causes, treatment would never be embraced, and in the end we would be destroyed.
One of my most pronounced manic episodes saw me pursue senior housing as a strategy for extending the mission of the church. I had significant success, and also failure. After it all was over, and I was experiencing the depression that naturally follows a manic episode, I turned to my bishop for counsel and advice. One of the things I told him was that I'd be just fine if I could have one major project after another to throw myself into. This was prior to diagnosis. What I was basically asking for was the opportunity to live my life in a perpetual manic state. If one could maintain that state, and channel it, there's no telling what might be accomplished. Necessary suffering came into play, however, in the form of a healthy dose of reality that tempered the unbridled optimism of a manic high.
There is a problem with trying to maintain a perpetual manic high. It's not unlike a race car. A normal car with typical use can go for 100,000 to 200,000 miles without major breakdowns. Racing cars are different. In our personal vehicles we typically operate them at about 2 to 3 thousand rpms. This they can handle indefinitely. Racing cars, by contrast, are pushed to the limit and the engines have an extremely short life expectancy. If not replaced, they at least have to be rebuilt for each race. Such is the toll of the extreme conditions under which they are operated.
The problem with attempting to sustain a manic state is that it is like running an engine at 6,000 rpm. You can get by with it for a while, but not for long.
For me, depression was the necessary suffering that in the end freed me from being consumed by the effort to maintain mania. Not only did it force an end to the manic pursuits, but it paved the way for treatment and yes, a healthy balance and new experience of my own spirituality. To use Rohr's frame of reference, I had built my 'false self' around a manic perception of my identity and it was only the suffering of depression that was able to shatter this self image and open up the possibility of a healthier spirituality.
As the title of the book suggests, Rohr calls this movement 'falling upward'.
But it doesn't happen without a fight.
I still find my self desiring to tap into the energy of a full blown manic episode to advance my sense of purpose and accomplish my goals.
Currently, I'm a bivocational person, working 36 hours a week as a cabinet maker, and 25 hours a week as a pastor. This involves getting up at 3:30 am so that I can be to work at the cabinet shop in Hayden by 5:30 am, where I work until 12:30. From there I travel to Otis Orchards to do the pastor thing. The commuting adds about 2 1/2 to 3 hours to the work day. In order to really pursue the mission developer work required by my parish, I need more time available in the evenings when people are available. Where does one find the energy to really have at it? The exhaustion I now experience would not be there were I in a manic episode.
My current schedule leaves me thoroughly exhausted at the end of the week. Saturdays involve marathon napping.
Some would say I'm doing too much. My perspective is that I've done far more. Mania brings with it a capacity for engagement that is, well, shall I say, impressive. Yet a race car engine can only sustain 6,000 rpm for a short while. This I know.
The struggle is to let go of the self identity shaped by mania. And perhaps bipolar people are the only one's who fully understand this. One's true self is not shaped by the disease. And yes, it is often the suffering that reveals this.
Theologically, and spiritually, I understand that my true self is defined not by the disease but in relationship with my God. What I don't know is whether I've suffered enough yet to fully embrace this true identity, or if I'm still building my own castle and kingdom. Time will tell.
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