Daring to have Joy

When mood swings are the problem, then one's tendency is to be concerned when one experiences either the highs or the lows associated with this disease, bipolar disorder.  Treating depression is a no brainer.  No one wants to feel that way.

But the struggle is what do you do at the other end of the spectrum?  

Currently, I am not depressed.  There is part of me that believes that thanks to the effectiveness of my medications I am at a point of a healthy balance.  I feel joy, yes joy, pure joy, in a way I haven't for years.  I catch myself smiling.  And wonder what's up.  Its been a while.  

Our lives are changing.  Over the last few years I've been limited in my ability to work and earn a livable wage.  We've been dependent on my wife's paycheck and my disability benefits.  Those stopped last year at this time, and a job opportunity opened up for me at a cabinet shop.  Today, I am anticipating resuming my pastoral ministry.  In addition to my work as a cabinet maker I will be serving a small congregation on a half time basis.  

This is a Godsend for us for it comes at a time when due to a variety of circumstances my wife chose to resign her position and is now unemployed.  For the time being I am the sole breadwinner in the house-- and it feels good for my ego.  Not that I delight in my wife's situation, but just to be here, once again, where I am earning enough to support my family is a good feeling.  Joyful, even.  

Energy is bubbling up inside of me.  I am planning on working close to full time at the cabinet shop, and half time in ministry.  Sounds like a lot, but the actual hours will be similar to what I often worked in ministry alone.  Most notably, as opposed to when I was disabled by depression, unable to even shower without effort, I now am quite convinced that I can do this.  And enjoy this.

The problem is that highs can be too high.  I have to be careful.  I have to monitor myself.  The call to return to ministry is neither a call to be a savior, nor to grandiose endeavors and quests.  Mania feels good,  too good, and one must guard against it and be wary of it.  

But what becomes of joy in living?

Exuberance.  Can we experience that without fear that it will give way to mania?  

One of the concerns I have is that fear of mania will deprive me of the opportunity to enjoy normal states of joy and delight.  I am convinced that I need to overcome that fear.  There are things that one can enjoy, without reservation, even if one is bipolar.  

And so I will march onward.  One day at a time.  And simply be thankful that the clouds of depression have lifted.  And pray that the other extreme is not looming near on the horizon.