Waking the Tiger

"In waking a tiger, use a long stick."  (Mao Zedong)

New Years has come.  And I wonder what will come in 2016.  Life is in most measurable ways, good.  Karla and I just celebrated 38 years of marriage.  Twelve more years to  our golden wedding anniversary.  That makes me feel real old.  The kids are all healthy and doing well.  We are expecting our first grandchild in February.  That is delightful.  I'm acclimating to my new job and work routine.  It's good to have a steady paycheck coming in.  I continue to work on Olsons WoodWorks on the side.  Sunday I will have the opportunity to preach again.  As I said, life is basically, by all objective standards good.

And yet as I anticipate the days and months ahead it is once again with a bit of ominous foreboding.

Sleep has become a barometer for me.  In part, due to a change back to a previous medication that I can afford, my sleep patterns have reverted back, as well.  On a typical day I will go to sleep at 8:30 or so, and then shortly after midnight start waking up, dozing back to sleep, and waking up again.  Usually this lasts until I give up and get up, somewhere around 2:30 in the morning.

I'm making fiends with the solitude of the night.  My early morning hours give me time to get ready for the day, which begins when I start my commute around 4:45 so I can comfortably get to Coeur d'Alene by the start of the workday at 6 am.

What concerns me most, I guess, is that I'm rarely able to nap soundly and make up the sleep.  My system seems to be telling me that I don't need the sleep.  Which concerns me.

Beware the tiger.

The curse of being bipolar is that I have not found it possible to simply relax and enjoy the good times.  And there are good times, when neither the manic state or the depressed state are active.  At such times it is easy to believe that one is "normal", even to the point of wanting to lay to rest all of the therapy and medication.  Embracing "normal" seems like a good thing to do.  Walk in the way you mean to go.  Do normal things.  Be happy or sad in normal ways.  Claim a healthy balance.

But the tiger prowls the night.

Both my manic phases and my depressed phases are marked most notably by sleep disorders.  And more often than not that has meant that my need for sleep has evaporated.  For over a decade I treated this by making friends with a bottle of Scotch.  Not a good choice, but effective in its own right.  My  psychiatrist is quick to  point out that I was 'passing out' not sleeping -- but however you look at it, I was getting pillow time.  And a break from the concerns of the world.

But it was masking the deeper issues.  The issues that my sleep disorders and the rumblings that are heard in the early morning hours point to.  That all is not well.

And so I greet the new year not knowing what to expect.  Is the tiger rousing?  Am I beginning to cycle again in a serious way?  Am I ready for the ride?

It would be nice if you could just poke and prod the tiger to see what it is up to.  But if you're going to do that, Mao suggests a long stick.

Unfortunately, there is no long stick.  When the tiger awakens, it awakens.