Balancing Act

"If you stay away from alcohol for a while, you will eventually be able to resume drinking and everything will be fine."  Uh, not such good advice for an alcoholic, but it was advice I received after going through treatment.  Actually, there is probably not a single alcoholic that doesn't wish at some point that they could resume drinking, without going to excess.  Many times I drank moderately, consuming only one or two drinks and never had a problem.  Perhaps the difficulty I had at the end of my drinking was simple the result of circumstances.  When circumstances change, perhaps my drinking pattern will as well, and moderate drinking will once again be the norm.

The problem with this thought pattern is that it just doesn't work out that way.  Many alcoholics have attempted to resume drinking, and as a rule, such relapses simply don't turn out well.  Alcoholism is a progressive disease, even while one is sober, and when alcoholics resume drinking it is usually worse than when they stopped.  Don't test it.  The consequences aren't worth it.

I don't have the desire to resume drinking at this time.  I've learned my lesson and count myself fortunate to now be living sober.

But I have to admit the same thought process is in play with regard to being bipolar.

Am I really bipolar?  Was it just circumstances that led to the behaviors that were identified as being manic or depressive?  What if those circumstances change?   Might I be able to resume life without medication and without the restrictions that this disabling condition has imposed?

Believe me,  I would like to.  Over three years removed from parish ministry and I am developing selective memories regarding my time in ministry.  I remember mostly the good times.  The rewarding times.  The freedom to pursue that which I was passionate about.

I recognize at one level that parish ministry wasn't healthy for me.  But there is always the belief that maybe it would be different now.  A different parish.  A better sense of who I am.  Or perhaps, simply returning to a time when the symptoms of being bipolar were not so pronounced.

Part of this yearning for normalcy provokes a desire to stop medications and just see what happens.  I'm neither as depressed, nor as manic, as I was at one time.  Perhaps that's the consequences of the medications I am on, or perhaps it is because my life has returned to a healthy, normal, state.  How do you know, unless you test the waters and see if you can maintain the balance of a healthy life?

But as with an alcoholic who desires to resume drinking, just to see if its possible to do so and hopes it will be better this time around, it rarely works out well for one who is bipolar to test the waters.

Psych wards are full of  bipolar people who thought it was a good idea to go off their meds. Based on my experience, being bipolar is similar to alcoholism in that it appears to be progressive.  The highs get higher, the lows lower.  Just as I once drank without going to excess or experiencing negative consequence, so also I used to experience life's highs and lows and it was no big deal.

But it got worse.   Depression was debilitating.  Manic episodes resulted in choices and behaviors that had significant, and in some cases, permanent consequences.  Dare one risk testing the waters.  What if the depression deepens beyond suicidal thoughts to suicidal actions?  What if manic episodes result in high risk behaviors that not only impact me, but others?  Dare I risk it?

During the worst of my experiences at the end of my ministry there were "triggers" that set off the depression and manic cycles.  But now that I'm at a more balanced place would those things that were once triggers still have the same effect?

Alcoholics have to come to the realization that they are defenseless against the first drink.

I suppose the same is true of someone who is bipolar.  They are defenseless against the rise and fall of mood, and the triggers that set everything in motion.  Trying to live as though this is not true, trying to live as though one is "normal", trying to live without the extreme ups and downs, probably is just not possible, at least without a rigorous treatment plan that acknowledges the limitations and our lack of a natural defense against these things.

But there is a part of me that just wonders.  Is it really all that bad?  Could I simply resolve to live my life normally once again?