No Justification. Not even the economy.

160 years ago slavery, and the overt racism behind it, was justified on the basis of the economy.  And violence against those who would change it was justified.  The Bible was used to justify it. 

Not much has changed.  We have a president who, while claiming he is not racist, lambasts the country with one racist thing after another.  David Duke and other white supremacists see this.  They love it.  People who are Muslim, or Hispanic, or Black feel this.  Crowds at political rallies chant "Send them back!".  Racist.  By the way, sending  minorities back to their country of origin is a central theme of the Aryan Nations.  White, Christian, Nationalism is just a contemporary manifestation of the basic tenets of the white supremacist agenda.  The Church of Jesus Christ Christian is what the Aryan Nations under Richard Butler belonged to.  As a country we should abhor all this, reject it, and work to overcome it.  Racism has no place in a free society.  Racism is sinful.  White Christian Nationalism, if it is not checked, may well destroy both the Church and the Nation.  It is that contrary to both democracy and freedom, as well as the message of Jesus Christ. 

But the economy is good.

The economy was good for slave owners in the South.  It did not justify slavery.  Hitler's rise to power in Germany was closely associated with economic recovery from the Great Depression and the consequences of the Treaty of Versailles.  Bottom line was that Hitler was 'good for the economy'.  That hardly justified the Holocaust. 

Two things are reprehensible about the current state of affairs.  That otherwise good people will continue to support Trump, in spite of his racists attacks, is one of them.  That otherwise good people will oppose any effort to control access to guns as a means of responding to the myriad of mass shootings in our country is another.  And in the most recent shooting in El Paso the two issues are married together. 

But the economy is good.  And we like to collect guns.  So to hell with the loss of life.  We're content to send our "thoughts and prayers".  I can't help but believe that God despises our 'thoughts and prayers'. 

But the economy is good.

Except if you're a farmer or any other of the people affected by Trump's trade wars.

But we don't much care about other people's economic plight.  The economy wasn't good for the slaves in the South.  Just the plantation owners. 

There is no moral justification for racism.  There is no moral justification for callused indifference to the loss of human life.  There is no moral justification for caring more for the economy than the lives and well being of human beings.  No Justification.  None.

I struggle with how to respond.  I live in North Idaho.  Trump is popular here.   Racism is common place.  Guns are BIG.  I tend to politely, quietly, often silently, disagree.  And in doing so I'm part of the problem. 

I have to work with these people, whether in the cabinet shop or when I reopen my own business.  And I hesitate to address the issue head on in my preaching or teaching at church, lest the offerings tank. 

But economic considerations are no justification for doing nothing. 

I can become politically active.  The struggle is that in Idaho, my voice is drowned out by the vast majority in this redder than red state.  My vote counts not at all, except as a protest.  And there is a reason white supremacists have chosen to settle here: racism is widely accepted in this predominantly white society. 

But at least the economy is good. 

Follow your passion, cautiously!

In my psychiatrist's office there is a sign which says "Dream Big, Act Bigger".  We laughed about it as I commented that such advice is not appropriate for a  manic person. One of the most irritating aspects of being bipolar is the lack of confidence one can have in one's own sense of judgment about major life decisions.  It's just so easy to get caught by manic thinking patterns and lose touch with a more reasoned take on life.

I'm tired.  My job at the cabinet shop is wearing on me from two standpoints.  Yes, on the one hand I'm able to help build some rather impressive kitchens in huge homes for famous people (Michael Jordan e.g.)  But a lot of time I'm doing things like making the sticks that fill in the space between one cabinet and the other.  I'm the "Filler King".  It's hard to get passionate about such work.

And second, working ten hour days together with the commute just is grueling.  I'd like to be able to sleep beyond 3 in the morning.  (On a positive note, I'm actually sleeping better these days.)  The reality is that working sixty hours a week between the cabinet shop and the church, plus commuting 12 hours a week, leaves little time for anything else.  And I'm tired.

My mind just keeps going back to this dining set.  It epitomizes the kind of work I have done and am capable of doing.  I want to do that.  I want to feel good about my vocation. 

Together Karla and I are settling in with this decision to return to Olson's Woodworks.  We will proceed cautiously.  Having said that though, there will be a moment when we will need to simply be "all in" on the decision.  I simply can't gradually take on more work in my own shop, while still working at the other.  I don't have enough time in a week.

So the jump will happen.  I will be taking some withdrawals from my pensions account, Karla will sign up for her Social Security, and that will provide a safety net for us.  If the business thrives, no more pensions withdrawals will be necessary.  If it doesn't, we'll have enough to survive.

What do I need?  What purchases must I make to succeed?  And are those purchases really necessary or the fodder of manic thinking?  Having a truck for hauling materials would be handy.  But damn, they are expensive.  (My kids have offered use of theirs, so we'll probably hold off  on this one.)  There are a few woodworking tools that I need.  A thickness planer.  A chop saw.  But any such considerations will always be weighed against my manic pursuit of the CNC last time. 

Again, the lack of confidence in one's own judgment is one of the worst things about being bipolar.  We will see how things play out.

On another matter, my health is gradually improving.  Diagnosed over a month ago now with hypothyroidism I'm on the slow road to recovery.  I takes months for the medication to build up in the system to therapeutic levels, but I've noticed some improvement.  At the very least, I'm able to work a full week these days.  Thank God for simple improvements like that. 

My biggest question is how well will I feel with the new normal.  I look at the energy level of other sixty year olds and I hope.  "I'm far too young to feel so damn old." is my new mantra.  I hope things will get much better. 

Mach es gut!

As I contemplate my vocation, I'm increasingly aware that I'm currently writing the final chapters of my life's work.  I'm already somewhat resigned to the fact that the most challenging and engaging chapters of my ministry are now behind me.  My serving at the little Peace Lutheran in Otis Orchards may still give isolated opportunities for very important ministry, but those opportunities are limited greatly by the size.  I'm at peace/Peace with that.  (pun intended)

My current struggles involve my work as a cabinet maker.  I made a choice a few years back to cease operating my own business in favor of working in a cabinet shop.  At issue was a dependable weekly  source of income.  What I gave up was the craftsmanship associated with building fine pieces of furniture.  My primary responsibilities at the cabinet shop involve making the miscellaneous pieces that join the cabinets together, as well as other things such as closet shelving, etc.

What I'm struggling with is concluding my life's work with the achievement of having become very good at making closet shelves. . .  "Tables, chairs, and oaken chests would have suited (David) best".

One of the things that has changed since my last attempt at a business is that I'm now to the point that I can begin taking some withdrawals from my pensions, if needed.  That, together with Karla taking her social security early would pay our basic living expenses and the income from my business would be extra.  Well, actually, sufficient income from the business would make it unnecessary to take withdrawals from pensions.

I'm also concerned about my health.  Recent thyroid problems have accentuated the fact that my work load is taking a toll.  Getting up at 3 am, leaving the house at 4:45, returning at 5 pm, eating and going to bed at 7 pm is just a grind.

Another issue is my marriage.  We joke about how I go to bed and Karla goes visiting.  It's either that  or she spends every evening alone.  Every evening.  We have dinner together.  But there is precious little time together beyond that.  

Mach es gut!  Make it good!

The bottom line is that health issues have made it clear to me that I'm nearing the end of my career.  A few more years left.  The choices I make now will write the final chapter in my working career.  And the more I contemplate that simple fact, the clearer that I am that making closet shelves is simply not the last thing I want to do with my life.  

Mach es gut.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  Mach es gut.

Good News/Bad News

I think the nurse was caught off guard.  "Oh, my," she said, "your thyroid levels are all out of whack!"  "Thank God." I responded. 

Thank God because I wanted to find a solution to the problems I was experiencing.  Thank God because hypothyroidism is an easily treatable condition, requiring simply a medication, and a cheap medication at that. 

The bad news???  Well, it takes six to twelve weeks for the medication to build up in your body to a full therapeutic level.  Meaning that I simply will not know for another three months how many of the health issues I've been experiencing are directly related to the thyroid and how many are independent issues that also must be looked into.

But for now I'm just relieved that at least some of the issues will be resolved.

Faith and the Future

My current health situation remains a mystery.  I am still waiting for the results of a battery of tests.  Apparently the doctor is in no particular hurry, which indicates to me that nothing gravely serious immediately popped out. 

I feel very fatigued.  My  muscles hurt.  My joints ache.  I've experienced blood pressure as high as 190/128.  And a reduced stamina from all of that makes work difficult, not to mention unsafe.

I remember the advice I once gave to a parishioner undergoing testing.  "We always fear the worst, but it seldom is that bad."  That parishioner died about two months later from a glioblastoma.  OK, well, sometimes it is the worst.

As one with a history of drinking and smoking the fear that creeps in is related to the liver and lungs.  As a precaution chest X-rays were taken.  Based on my symptoms, this is not likely the root of my problems.  But fears remain.

I have a very selfish wish.  I hope that if something is wrong, whatever it is, it not be related to drinking and smoking.  I just don't want to have to deal with people that have the attitude 'you got what you deserved'.  It may be true, but throwing that back in my face doesn't help. 

I have a family history of hypothyroidism and there is a lot of correlation between the symptoms I'm experiencing and those associated with hypothyroidism.  A simple test.  Don't know the outcome yet.  Many of those same symptoms can be side effects of some of the medications I am taking. 

It also occurs to me that fatigue could be the primary problem.  I get up between two and three thirty every morning, leave for work by 4:45, work 10-12 hours, return home for dinner and bed.  Then repeat the cycle.  Even without anything wrong that schedule alone is wearing on me and may account for what I'm feeling. 

Faith.

I think that one of the things I've learned throughout my struggles these last few years is that there is always hope.  And that one has the choice whether to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, or to be sustained by faith and surrounded with peace.  Part of this is the degree to which one feels the compulsion to be in control.  The higher one's need for control, the more significant the anxiety and fear. 

When I went into chemical dependency treatment numerous years ago, there was a point of surrender.  What was unexpected was the peace that came washing over me like a giant breaker at the seashore.  The future was in God's hands, and that was sufficient.

Part of me feels that way now.  We've been wrestling with my vocational direction, and whether semi-retirement is a viable option for me, cutting back a bit.  There is fear and anxiety that comes into play with neither one of us wanting to make the wrong decision.  But there is also a sense of peace that is knocking at the door.  Whether there is something seriously wrong with me, or I am just exhausted and experiencing chronic fatigue, it may be that my body is making the decision for us.  It could be that the question of cutting back is no longer an 'if', but a 'when' and a 'how'. 

Faith.

"Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight."  (Jesus Christ Superstar)

Que, sera, sera.

The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone.

All things are interrelated.  Many connections we just don't understand.  Doing one thing affects another.

I have been having tests done as I'm not feeling well.  ECG.  Chest X-Ray.  Full blood work.  All that stuff.  And on it goes.  "We'll get to the bottom of this."  "Thanks, Doc."

Every joint hurts.  Every muscle aches, and is crampy.  I'm sometimes short of breath, which brings on a panic attack.  Exhaustion and fatigue are such that this last week I've not been able to finish my shift at work numerous times.  Blood pressure has been running as high as 190/130, and that while on my blood pressure meds.  Doubling the dose brought it down but only to about 150/100.  Still not good. I feel  old.

I have my suspicions what is going on.  My mother had zero thyroid function.  Three of my sisters and one brother have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  And last night I read that hypothyroidism is a potential side effect of Lamictal, the med I take for bipolar disorder.  Its also associated with being bipolar, though whether that's a direct correlation or the result of bipolar people being on either lamictal or lithium, both of which can cause hypothyroidism, is unknown.  At least that's what I read.

Taken together it makes me suspicious.  I've informed the Doctor.  He is testing for it.  One can only hope as the cure for that is quite easy in the long run.

All things are connected.

If this were true it would bring up another issue.  When identifying chemical dependency issues in my family of origin, Mom's drug use stands  out.  She would take her thyroid medication in the morning as a "pick me upper" and the take benadryl at night to relax and go to sleep.  All prescribed, mind you.  But nevertheless, dependent on drugs for mood and energy.

I don't like the extent to which I'm becoming that.  I think the tally is up to nine different meds and supplements on a daily basis.  Lamictal for bipolar.  Mirtazapine for depression.  Abilify to make both of those function better.  Rozerem for sleep.  Losartan for blood pressure.  Mobic for joint pain.  Gemfibrozil and fish oil for Cholesterol.  And a vitamin or two because the meds deplete certain vitamins in your body.

I can swallow quite a pile of drugs at one time.  There was a time when that would gag me.

But I'm extremely thankful for them.  I have no clue where I'd be without them.  Miserable or dead.

I hope it doesn't take too long for some positive results to come to the fore in the testing.  And of course, I hope it doesn't reveal something I truly don't want to know.  The lung X-ray, eg.  "In the name of due diligence we should do this. . ."  "Yes, I know, but let's hope my problem isn't lung cancer."  I actually have none of the most pronounced symptoms, but you never know.  But after smoking for as long as I did, I have to confess that every time the tests reveal I'm still cancer free I feel a bit like a kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got away with it.

Well, enough of the lament for this morning.  I'm noticing my knuckles are achy and the muscles in my cheeks are tense.  The list goes on and on.  And so I await a diagnosis.

Growing Older

Inside every older person is a young person wondering 'What the hell happened?'

I feel like that some days.  I have a lot of muscle and joint pain.  I'm not sure what's up, if anything.  That's the internal debate.  Am I just aging?  No, something is not right.  Are you sure?  Everybody has aches and pains.  And on and on the saga goes.

My legs.  I have deteriorating knees.  That I know and I've already had one surgery to cut out a significant portion of the meniscus in one knee.  Dr. says that I don't have significant arthritis in the knees, but, they are sore.  My hips haven't been feeling much better of late.  And then I have this muscle pain most pronounced down the back of my legs and calves.  Sciatica tends to be one side only.  This is both sides.  Feels like a constant low grade cramping.  When I stand up it feels as though I have to slowly stretch out the muscles again in order to stand without pain. 

So I wonder.  One of the things my mother suffered from was hypothyroidism.  And she had much of the same issues.  This is not as common among men but it leaves me wondering.  I also wonder about side effects of some of the  many medications I take.  Or is it just the consequence of putting in ten hour days on my feet on concrete floors?  Or maybe this is just what 62 feels like.

I will probably go to the doctor.  I am skeptical about the outcome. 

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I continue to explore the possibility of going back into business.  Olsons WoodWorks.  I enjoyed being in business and have significant investments in tools, etc.  The challenge is to make a living at it. 

One of the things that is frustrating is the difference a screw makes.  Yes, one measly screw.  If I build a cabinet that is screwed into a house, it qualifies for financing and people are OK with the expense.  If I build furniture it is a cash basis, because there is no screw attaching it to a house.  That same screw also results in the necessity of a contractor's license.  Part of the frustration is that I love making dining room furniture.  Contrast the difference between a table and chairs for a dining room, versus the kitchen cabinets.  I can get a lot more money for the cabinets.  The dining set, however, is more work and finer details.  Bottom line, I'll have to do cabinets as well as furniture to make ends meat. 

_______________________________________________________

And retirement.  Part of the consideration about going back into business is that I now have the option of supplementing my income with my pensions.  I found out this last week that Portico Benefits doesn't deal well with the concept of semi-retirement.  I'd like to draw on my pensions, but am still employed by a congregation part-time and they pay for my benefits, including health insurance.  The tricky issue is that health insurance is not normally included for retirees because it is assumed that you will be on medicare.  "Retired but without medicare" is a special underwriting category that is more expensive than anything else.  Argh!

The solution is to simply take withdrawals from my pensions without formally retiring.  Another advantage of that is that I only need take what is necessary. 

Complicating all this consideration is the caution regarding bipolar decision making.  My wife is doubly cautious as it has been known to happen in the past that I've made decisions fueled by my disease that weren't always in the best interest of our well  being.  Let it suffice to say caution is in order.